I’m Really Angry

Don’t get me wrong, I love being interacted with. There have been so many emails and letters over the years that kept me writing. Things from people who I A. didn’t think knew me B. didn’t read C. didn’t read what I wrote D. didn’t have, I don’t know, regular emotions? It sounds fucked up but when you discover that you don’t think like everybody else, it kind of blows your mind to have someone you grew up with and later bump into at college write an articulate two page email explaining how much she enjoyed your blog. To me, that’s cool. Because when I go to a festival, concert, event, club etc, I’m treated like Hugh Hefner. I’ve done my time; it feels nice to pretend for a minute that we still live in the ‘70’s era discotech - where a nod and a wave and a regular table and drink order keep everyone’s lives from falling apart. When everybody knew your name. I’m lucky enough to have worked in places like that and boy do I miss them. But anyway, when I go visit my girlfriend at work or just go to a bar or a store, people think I’m a fucking weirdo. I talk the same, I dress the same, I act the same. I’m pretty friendly and outgoing and I like to talk to people. I look at it like you never know who might’ve just been crying in their mascara or who got some bad news. For me, when I’m around people, I’m able to make people laugh and put on a show. Not show off, just take myself out of my own body for a bit, and be somebody else. Compliment somebody, crack a joke, even something as simple as have a nice day. I guess in this day and age, that’s becoming rude. People don’t really want to be spoken to. I get that. I just know in the times I’ve been most down, it’s helped me forget for a minute what I’m so frustrated or pissed off about.

I guess I’m checking in to let you guys know I’m still alive and my fingertips works and all that. I really can’t stand when people ask me “well why don’t you write as much as you used to?” Well for one thing, I’m on medication to slow my brain down so I can form human relationships and watch TV and be a fucking human being, so that’s there. But also, when I started this blog, it was 2012. I think I still had a Blackberry. People weren’t screaming into the Facebook abyss. #MeToo hadn’t started yet. Shit, you hand’t heard of Ebola, haha. I could talk about stuff and people had time to read and process. Now it’s like you go online and someone just wants to go “Fuck I had a bad hair cut” and makes some joke, and six people tag their barbershop friends, one lady tells him Jesus had long hair and he shouldn’t cut it, another guy tries to sell him a new razor kit, and then of course you get some guy who’s got the same profile photo 8x with a Patriots filter, a “we stand with healthcare workers” filter, some picture of his grandkids, a picture in the same shirt as the first with a palm tree in the background who comes in with “WELL IF THEY HAND’T CLOSD FORT HE PANDEMIX AND PEOPLE WERE WORKIN YUD GET A GOOD CUT BRO”. Thank you sir. It’s like all of a sudden we went from checking on our friends to looking for ways to piss them off and I’m over it. Join Scientology if you want to agree with your friends all the time. Tom Cruise seems real stable.

I don’t know. I mean I used to joke at the Den, “I’ll kill myself if I don’t have a club by the time I’m 30”. And I used to draw my plans of what it would look like and how it would function. It was a smart idea so of course I’m not going to post it here. And I’d talk about it with my friends in the Island of Misfit Toys. All things aside, they believed in me, so I believed in it. What a beautiful thing to live in a place where the people who come over talk about ideas and goals and want to hear about what you’re doing without talking over you or stealing your creation. I had never had that before. I don’t think any of us did. And at the time I was building up The OOZE. There were more underground parties in Boston; I feel like the ozone had more depth. Throwing parties used to feel like playing with ideas that were endless and could grow based on the space they were thrown in. Nowadays, it’s like playing with Legos. You’re still playing but the sandbox is structured with construction and that major warm air current of 2015 is long gone. You can even see it in the artists you fell in love with in that era. Whatever genre it was. They all BOOOOOMED the fuck out. And next thing you know, they got gobbled up by a label or broke up or make something else or moved to NYC/LA and drank that Kool-Aid.

Luckily for me, I didn’t end up buying that club or taking a job at one of the new clubs that did open. Because next thing you know, you couldn’t have a club for two years anyway so then I FOR SURE probably would’ve done a swan dive off the Tobin. I think a lot of people did in not so many words or ways. I’d be lying if I didn’t say the pandemic got me to where I needed to be because it did. I can only imagine what kind of place the US would be if we gave people a boost every now and again instead of spending $40 billion dollars on wars that make the people make the rules rich. We’ll probably never find out because they’ve convinced people to argue about all the topics at the bottom - masks at schools, kneeling in football, whether or not McDonald’s workers should make $15/hour - instead of why our Congress gets voted in for life, why everyone in Congress is paid by the same lobbyists, why people in Congress can hold stakes in companies while also holding positions in government, and furthermore why our country is so behind the rest of the world academically, environmentally, socioeconomically, culturally, and medically. And instead of that pissing people off, they just go “yeah you’re right”, and then bring up something that has to do with being a Republican or a Democrat.

To be honest, I don’t think I’ll be happy until I win the lottery and can start my own animal rescue. The older I get, the more disconnected I become with the things that once mattered to me. Don’t get me wrong - I think music is great, and I think my event helps people. But my dream is to start my own place - The OOZE Ranch - where I incorporate events, when I feel inclined, but an animal rescue that provides a home for animals and an after school escape for kids. A lot of my really close friends know in great detail what I hope to make happen. For awhile I felt dumb talking about it, because everyone is so caught up in hearing their mix being heard or what some asshole did at some stupid show I don’t care about. A lot of times, I’ll post my successes and people will just take that and go “cool I’m doing this now”. But honestly, this, I wish everyone would copy me and do this. There’s a lot more to my dream then what I’ve shared here because people really live for taking concepts and getting funding and half-assing shit and then giving up after a couple years and I’m just kind of over it. I’m burnt out of my feed being constant statuses about festivals and “I go by this now because I’m enlightened because I swallowed a pashmina” and I played on this gear, and this afterparty was SO SUPER FUN. Bitch it’s all the same major label, hot garbage, sold stems, 85% of the time.

Everyday I try to wake up and read the news but I struggle because there are so many stories about animal abuse or the environment and I just can’t fucking take it. I try to stay up to date because I think it’s important to have a good grasp on the world but it’s all just local shootings, animal violence, people abusing their kids, environmental scientists reminding us that by 2050 the world is going to end (thank god for health care), how much the Kardashian’s spent on a lightbulb, and Millennials ruining the housing market by ordering take out. When I leave my house, there’s just trash everywhere and people popping out kids, buying Nike, Mercedes SVUs, and and Juul pods. Yeah, I get it, we’re not living in the Dark Ages (THANK GOD, again, why was Game of Thrones enjoyable?) but honestly, this isn’t the renaissance. This is the self-absorbed, “do it for the ‘gram” what do I get by doing X, timeline. People do things to show people what they’re doing without any type of concern for anyone else. It’s disgusting. People recycled better in the 70’s. Like how is that possible? Cars got 3 miles to the gallon and were the size of a tree house. That’s not how that should work. People will take a selfie with a beach dolphin rather than trying to help it back into the ocean. Do you know how homicidal that makes me? There’s not a therapist on planet Earth who can help me work through this shit. I’m angry as hell. Because people don’t care. People take and take and take and then laugh and laugh and watch sports and whatever the new hit show is and say “I’m living this great life” without any concern as to their effect on the world around them “because it’s not their problem”.

It’s kind of like this. Consider this an addendum. The Cape, for example, you know The Cape, so forward-thinking and progressive, will vote unanimously on putting a Chic-a-Filet, a Taco Bell, a Starbucks, a fuck all who cares every single time someone wants to, which is shocking coming from a community who preaches that “we’re only home to who lives here etc”, yet won’t put up a, I don’t know, a One-Stop-Narcan-For-All Shop, or maybe a Teach-Your-Kids-How-To-Function-In-The-Real-World-Once-They-Leave-This-Place-So-They-Don’t-Turn-Around-And-Come-Back-After-Fifteen-Months-To-Get-Married-And-Have-Kids-In-An-Unstable-Economy Store, or shit, I don’t know a Don’t-Be-A-Racist-Haven’t-Seen-The-Outside-World-In-Twenty-Years-Closed-Minded-Asshole Mini-Mall, or even a Stop-Inviting-Me-To-High-School-Reunions-Where-95%-Of-The-Graduating-Class-Lives-Here-Anyway Mart.

I just want people to stop being so focused on the stupidest things please. Help your neighbor, help those in need, help kids, help animals, help people because you can, not because you can post about it.