Vent Sesh #4: This Is Me, 2013
My name is Kerry. My favorite color is red but I buy everything in pink. My aura is red, my energy I mean. I’m an Aries and I’m pretty sure even the sidewalk knows it. I’m not religious in the sense that I attend Church but I’m a spiritual person and have a strong liking to religious things. People rocking Jesus pieces because of Jersey Shore…that’s that shit I don’t like. I believe in that bitch karma. I have a best friend who is my sister, and a roommate who is my best friend. I also have a shrink that probably scrubs his body with steel wool after our sessions. Girls make me nervous because all they seem to do is stare at me like they’re planning on imitating my mannerisms or style and then come out with a “why the fuck are you doing that? You should go get your eyebrows done here, use this brand of make up, buy this style of clothing, do this when you work out, do this when you rub one out, and read this book”. Men make me angry because I know that they can’t be trusted but I have to put up with them anyway because they have the right parts. I try and make friends but end up fucking most of them. My three bugaboos are coffee, bubble baths, and giving a fuck. I drink when I’m sad, happy, angry, hungry, empty, horny, bored, busy, tired, and of course, thirsty, because it gets rid of all of my feelings no matter what they are, and my mind can quiet down for an hour or two. I smoke pot because it helps me calm down after 11PM. If I don’t hear “Are you really wearing that?” or “Take that off. You already have too much gold on”, then I’m probably not done getting ready. I dress loudly because I am. I truly don’t think I’m photogenic. If I’m not thinking about sex, it’s because I’m thinking about what I’d like to eat next. I’d like to be called beautiful some day by someone that actually means is. Most days I wake up and want to get “CUNT” tattooed inside my lip so that it can come out of my mouth before yours. I can be very hurtful to others when I’m uncomfortably depressed, either by what I say about myself or how I speak to them. I’m a true, passionate romantic in every sense of the word, but so much to the fact that it makes people terrified. My friends tell me to give people a chance and so far, for giving people chances, I’m 0/5. I love my vagina and I love my hair. I haven’t had a Hot Pocket since middle school. My whip is cleaner than I am. The best drug I’ve ever done was live music, followed by a close addiction to playground swing sets. I was a mistake and as thankful I am that my parents made the choice they did, sometimes I get sick to my stomach by thinking about what I would’ve done in their position. I love making money but I don’t love money. I’m not materialistic; I’d rather do something than buy something. I was lied to about forever so I take things day by day. The luckiest people in my life are those I don’t get involved with. I lie about things that don’t matter and tell the truth about things that do. I miss 2007. I’m really concerned that I’ll wake up someday from this life and the good things I take for granted will be gone. Getting old scares me; death keeps me up at night. I like cartoons, comic books, and Sega Genesis. My childhood stuffed animals made better friends then most of the people that friend request me. I struggle to find someone I feel comfortable sleeping next to because I’m always positive they won’t be there when I wake up. My bedroom is about as confused as I am and as confused as you are when you walk into it. I always fucking play the claw game. Xanax showed me how to be a good house wife. People that try to get in my pants make me laugh – your fate has already been decided. It’s very easy for people to “know” me, but its much harder to know what to do with me. No, I don’t talk like this in front of my family considering how fucking disrespectful that would be. I love cooking in a crowded kitchen and feeding a ton of people. I will never understand people who don’t want to change a situation in their life that they hate. “I was drunk” stopped being a valid excuse around the same time that Flavor of Love aired in Vh1. My favorite music video is “Buddy Holly” by Weezer. I am not allowed near WebMD or vodka, though sometimes I jump into both when I’m alone and can’t annoy anybody. I like naminals more than people because if you give an animal love and affection, it will do the same; people tend to take your love and affection until it becomes inconvenient. I would do unspeakably horrific things to have 30 seconds with my Dad again. I’ve been on the FBI’s watch list since 2008 when I started importing and selling knock off bags from China. I am the real deal.
I didn’t choose these facts in any specific order or make them stand out in anyway. They’re just random sentences strung together for your amusement. But they’re all true, which I believe people struggle with. The tweets you post follow structure, the status you like may have a hiding meaning as to your feelings about someone, the messages you send are nothing you would ever say in person, the #rolledoutofbed #lazypics you post show you wearing more make up than I’ve ever had on in my life. YOU ARE A FAKE. We all are. We all hide things. We say things we don’t mean and re-word things we do. Am I any better than you because I embarrass people I love by showing them and not giving a fuck? Am I any more together than you because I work a big girl job? Am I any more interesting because I write a blog instead of taking selfies? No. I’m worse. I bother you. I show you things you don’t like about yourself but you won’t change. Why? The truth is fucking terrifying. Truth is you think I’m disgusting, perverse, rude, obnoxious, unfit for your cookie cutter (I like chocolate chip, by the way). And no matter how many times you tell me those things, no matter how many times you make me feel inappropriate, all the things I just wrote up above, you’ve thought about at one point. I’m sure you have gorged yourself on your favorite foods, I’m sure you get off to some crazy shit, I’m sure you’ve loved and lost and loved all over again. I’m positive you’ve done shitty things, fucked people you wish you didn’t, had feelings for someone you shouldn’t have. I am a terrifying creature to you because you see so much of me in the dark places of your mind, the back alleyways behind the sketchy Thai restaurant of your subconscious. Breathe in some honesty. People will either hate you for it or respect you for it, but you can never hate yourself for being real. You can dislike something that came to mind, the selfish way you behaved, an awful thing you said, but you can’t hate yourself for the imperfection of your own honesty. And that’s pretty much all I have to say this week.
*6/10 people have no idea what the fuck that meme is about. They must have silent dick skin.
