I've Heard Better Pick Up Lines On Sesame Street

I apologize in advance for this meme. It’s a shitty Gameboy Pokemon joke that made me lawl super hard and you wouldn’t understand it unless you were a super homo nerd like me growing up and the Blue version of your Pokemon game is hypothetically worth hundreds of dollars. But I saw it, and this is my blog so I guess it sucks for you not getting it and you shouldn’t have made so much fun of me as an adolescent. ANYWAY. Today we’re here to talk about pick up lines. No, I didn’t have any mind-altering experience this weekend. No one was that much of a creep. This is just kind of a compilation list of things I’ve noticed people use to try and get in each other’s pants.

1. “I’m a _______. I do a lot of stuff in nightlife. I could hook you and your friends up”. —- Such an epic fail. Who the fuck isn’t a DJ, photographer, video editor, promoter, VIP host, go-go dancer, club manager, and all-around social media event link rapist anymore? It almost makes me embarrassed at how much I actually give a fuck about this kind of stuff. It’s like all the super nerdy kids growing up banded together and we just decided to get into some aspect of nightlife to get back at all the people who ridiculed us. Now we run the club, so fuck you for not letting us in your “Everyone is going to copy my coloring today but you’re not allowed to copy me” club. I seriously CANNOT keep my shit together when guys try to bribe me with drink tickets. Sweetheart, I’m not throwing back house vodka and water. The shit I drink would run through your roll of raffle stubs before you can even give them to puking biddie in the bathroom who will fuck you much quicker than I ever would. And by much quicker, I mean that she would in general.

2. “I know people here. I get the hook up”. —- This is an offshoot of the previous number, but it’s even worse so I think it deserves its own category. Everyone has bumped into that kid that is friends with the bouncer or a bartender or whoever and thinks that they are just the pussy’s pjs. But when you actually think about it, what kind of pick up line is that? Why do I even have to talk to you, when I can just go make friends with your more attractive bartender friend over there. Congrats on getting to cut in front of every girl at the front door so you can talk to the bar staff and get a drink before anyone else. Glad you’re excited about getting picked for line leader. I’ll be sure to throw a note in your homework folder and tell your mom what an awesome job you did. I can get in free because I have a vagina, but apparently your butt hole also works. Good to keep in mind if I ever feel like getting bent over and fucked up the ass to avoid paying a $5 cover.

3. Subtle car key drop on the bar —- This one really gets me. Guys can be fucking retarded but most of them know that coming out and bragging about what kind of car they drive either makes them look like a guy named Steffan on Days of Our Lives (pure douche) or a flaming idiot because most girls don’t give a shit between the difference of Benz classes (“Um..I don’t know, it was cute, it had 2 doors”). I am just going to tell you now that no girl ultimately cares what kind of car you drive, and this is coming from a girl that would rather talk about cars than who Becky is humping via her facebook. After gathering years of research data, I’ve concluded that I decide before I see a person’s car whether or not I plan on having sex with them. It makes no difference if you drive a shit box or a lambo to me. I can spend hours drooling over your whip and pay no attention to you or vice versa. At the end of the day, I like my whip and it’s not like your forking over the car keys and letting me keep it whether it’s an ’81 Honda or a 2002 Cherry Red Ferrari Enzo. It’s your car, and you need it to get around, with or without me. As a side note, and I’ll just come out and say this, I would absolutely have sex with someone for a free car (if it was nicer than mine) and any girl that doesn’t agree with me is literally just saying so and disagreeing with me to feel better about all the public blow jays she’s given out.

4. “Where did you go to school? I went to ______”. —- College. Not the most fun I’ve ever had. I was going back and forth in a Turkish twist mind fuck of a relationship, working full time, DJing full time, busting my ass to graduate in three years, and living in my shrink’s office because I was an alcoholic, sleep-deprived, unbalanced asshole (I did have some fun though). I’ve been out of school for two years. It’s over, it’s done. I could really care less that you were a frat boy at BU and played football and whatthefuckeverelse. Guaranteed you don’t play said sport anymore, I should hope you’re not in a frat anymore, you’ve put on 20-40 lbs since then, and the only people who remember all that funny shit you did are your boys you came out with tonight. That’s like me bragging about how I was such a good girl and sat still for my shots as a child. If it’s not happening now and if you’re not actively doing it now, it has no affect on me or my reflection of you. I’m sorry that you don’t like your office job but go brag about the past to Marty McFly or someone that gives a shit.

5. “Give me your number and maybe we can hang out sometime”. —- Hold up. I know exactly what this line means. It means that I’m going to give you my number. You’re going to incoherently text me as 3AM, spelling my name incorrectly, and complimenting me with some over-used line about how pretty I am that is probably just a lyric from like a Savage Garden song or something, and then I will never hear from you again. Why the fuck even ask in the first place? Just to say you got my number? Ask any of my friends… I give my number to EVERYBODY. There has never been an instance where I have not given out my number when asked. It doesn’t make you special. It makes you special if I respond back to your text, which happens about as often as Khloe Kardashian looking fuckable.

6. “Maybe we can go out sometime?” —- This is a different way of asking number 5. It means something different. It means that you want to take me out on a date. Like a real live man date. I’m boss at running dates. I treat it like it’s my job, because really when it comes down to it, sales and dating work the exact same way. I’m not going to tell you everything you want to hear, but I’m going to tell you things in a way no one else has ever before to make you like me. It’s easy. My whole thing is…aren’t we out now? We’re in public, together, having a drink. Isn’t that enough? Like now we have to actually do this again before it’s ok for us to have sex? Dating is awkward. I don’t really like it. Getting to know you is only going to hurt your case. It’s for the best that we just X out the whole learning about each other portion of the night and move right on to the most enjoyable part so I can get on with my life and don’t wind up being told years down the road that our relationship was a complete waste of time.

7. Insert description of where you live —- All this means is that you want me to come back to your house and fuck. Or that you’re the craigslist killer and I’m going to be stuck watching my demise on SVU or Lifetime or something. It’s such an empty pick up line. I don’t run into guys that live in mansions. They’re usually out picking up smoke shows that rock wear mom satchel purses and give a fuck what their make up looks like, not girls throwing back tequila shooters and screaming the lyrics to “I Believe In A Thing Called Love” at the bar. Even if you had a mansion, it doesn’t matter. I like my house, I like who I live with. Maybe I’ll come over and swim in your pool, but again, it’s like a car. At the end of the day, I’m not moving in with you and your mom.

Just stop with the bullshit please. It’s ruining my night out. I don’t remember nights where some suave, debonair, prince charming picked me up from the bar and we just had the most amazing time, riding off into the sunrise. It doesn’t happen. You’ll probably go through your three strikes before I’m even done with this one drink.

*7/10 people are pretty sure I’m making up getting approached by gentleman callers when I go out.