7 Simple Rules For Dating A Creature With A Penis
That puppy is friggen adorable. Can’t say no to that shit. Anyway, with the worst holiday of the year and my need to stock up on vodka quickly approaching with its huge boner ready to fuck me up the ass, I’m certainly feeling the biddies getting antsy. I sure as fuck don’t want to be your Valentine. I have plans to sneak a bottle of tequila into the new Die Hard movie. But in the back of every girl’s mind, I know that they’re going through the (hold nose and talk like a whiny 15 year old girl) “I really hope my boyfriend or guy-I’m-fucking-but-not-really-dating-even-though-we-sleep-in-the-same-bed-every-night-and-I-haven’t-had-sex-with-someone-different-since-2008-when-I-got-really-drunk-on-spring-break-and-hooked-up-with-that-kid-from-Texas does something really nice for me on Valentines Day”. Just a quick little tid bit of information bids, guys could really care less about Valanetines Day. They don’t hate it, they just don’t care one way or another. Just another day for the books. So0o0o0o0o0o…that being said, if you want your bro to be totally bawse to you on this homo day, try to do more of the following:
1. Let him play video games: You know what, bitches always be like “Mer meh mer mer, my boyfriend loves his XBox more than me”. Yeah, no shit he does. It always wants to play with him and doesn’t nag. Your boyfriend likes playing COD because he no longer plays competitive sports and its the closest thing he can get to reliving his prime years. If he wants to yell at 12 year olds all night, for fucks sake, let him. Get your own TV/DVD combo, diddle yourself to Magic Mike and let him be a boy for a little bit. If your boyfriend doesn’t own a copy of COD, buy him one. He’ll think you’re the pussy’s PJs. That’s like an automatic trip down to Pleasure Town for a little boxed lunch picnic, if you smell what I’m stepping in. This is a great one if your boyfriend is a fucking psycho too. He won’t want to hang out with you on the weekend. He’ll be too busy trying to score Double Kills to notice that you’ve escaped from Alcatraz for a marg down at the Applebees. 100% though, make sure you know his gaming system before you try to be all suave and shit because contrary to popular vaginal belief, they’re not “all the same”.
2. Give out blowjays like hugs: I’ve never met anybody that likes oral sex as much as I do. That being said, whatever you’re doing now for your man, its not enough. “But Kerry, he loves having sex. He says he feels so close to me”. Yeah yeah, that’s all wonderful princess, but in the grand scheme of things, your boyfriend is a lazy piece of shit and doesn’t necessarily feel like burning 1200 calories while listening to you scream like a banshee to get his nut. A couple more blowjays in your relationship won’t kill you and it’ll help clean your skin up. If you’re really looking to bust out all the stops, deliver him a beer during half time of whatever sport he’s watching, get on your knees, and suck his dick like it’s your last lifeline on the planet Mars. Then after that, you won’t have a need to worry about those shoes you bought, or the weekend trip you’re planning with your friends, or really anything for the next couple of months.
3. When he does something genuinely nice for you, don’t make him feel like shit for doing it “wrong”: Sometimes guys can be super cool and sweet and do something nice for you. The bathroom might be clean or your laundry might be done or dinner is made when you get home. This is super hard for guys to do. Not because they’re necessarily messy or don’t care, but just because a level of acceptable for a dude is a lot different than a level of acceptable for a girl. If the bathroom looks clean, don’t bitch at him for forgetting to wipe down the bathroom mirror. If your laundry isn’t folded like you’re in Forevvs21, don’t bitch at him. If he used bow tie pasta instead of Angel Hair, be glad he didn’t nuke you up a Kid Cuisine (which personally, I wouldn’t be all that pissed about). He tried! Give the man some fucking props or else he’ll never do anything remotely cool again because he doesn’t feel like getting yelled at because men are basically pussies.
4. Give into his sexually fantasies: This past weekend, I was caught in a Storage Wars-style biding match between a few gentleman callers at the bar for my roommate and I to have a threesome. One of them may or may not have been the bartender. And his name and number may or may not be on our fridge. All things aside though, it got me thinking about the male fantasy of girl on girl action. It made me laugh honestly, because its like really bros? Yeah alright Stiffler, smokin’ hot lesbian couples ALWAYS venture out to the bar to pick up seemingly clueless men to retire back at the pussy palace for a teen movie orgy. You know which American Pie I saw that in? American Pie 17: You’re A Fucking Idiot. There is not one guy that does not want to see his girlfriend go ham sandwich on another girl’s vagina. I have run into guys that have been all like “No, that’s not for me.” Ok Donald Downer, why don’t you reach down your pants and feel around for your nutsack that crawled away in agony after your cut it off during a Sunday afternoon adventure to Pier 1. Fucking homo. C’mon bids, throw back a couple wine coolers, find one of your more attractive friends and play it off like you don’t really know what we’re all here for on a Saturday night. Or invite me over and we can skip all the awkward bullshit and I’ll turn your relationship woes upside down. Just ask my ex-boyfriend for a reference.
5. Let him go out with his boys every once and a while: Yeah sure, you’re cool, but you can also be really fucking annoying. Sometimes your boyfriend wants to go to the bar, or play a couple rounds of golf, or watch the game without you. Like, back off sometimes. Your boyfriend is a guy and is therefore mildly retarded. If he says he’s going to Dave’s house to watch the game, he’s going to Dave’s house to watch the game. It’s not like when you get a text from your 8th grade ex-boyfriend and you make up this elaborate story about why you had to go to the mall to get new rain boots for Christina’s sister and how there was a huge accident leaving the mall parking lot and then Zeus threw down a lightning bolt from the heavens, blowing up said rain boots so you had to go all the way back to the mall and that’s why you didn’t answer your phone. No. Your boyfriend isn’t that good. It’s when he doesn’t answer that should draw concern, so you know. But if he wants to go have some guy time, enjoy it. Have the girls over for drinks, flick your clit, paint your nails, watch some stupid movie about Matthew McConaughey, whatever the fuck you want. Just leave him alone. Don’t ask if Liz is working at the bar, don’t ask him if Jeff’s girlfriend gives a fuck what he’s doing, don’t ask how much he’s had to drink. Leave him the fuck alone.
6. Don’t pester him to do date-y things all the time: As I’ve been trying to tell you from thing #1, dudes don’t care. Don’t ask him 24/7 why you guys never do anything romantic. Romantic to your boyfriend is having sex in any other position other than doggystyle. If you’re dating a half way decent guy, he’ll be cool sometimes and take you out to nice places and be a fucking sweetheart. But seriously don’t bother him to do it every single day. Richard Gere is not your boyfriend. Ryan Gosling is not your boyfriend. You met your boyfriend at a college bar and he wowed you by buying you a drink from that jungle juice concoction that sits on the top of the bar. Cut him some slack.
7. Don’t whine and bitch about your period: Yeah it really sucks. It sucks worse than he knows. If I was president, men would get pregnant and I wouldn’t have to deal with this shit. But you blaming everything on PMS and Hurricane Bleedy Box brewing in your ovaries doesn’t help make his life any better. Your period is not an excuse to act like a cunt. It is however to have an excuse to have awesome, raunchy sex, and you shouldn’t deny your boyfriend sex on your period. That’s rude and he honestly doesn’t give a fuck if you’re covered in blood and guts and your vagina has a little stubble on it. He’s got a rocket in his pants and “I just don’t feel like it” stopped being a valid excuse six months into your relationship. Just do it. Your bidfriends are doing too. They’re just too ashamed to talk about it.
Welp bids, that should help you out. Follow these rules and maybe you won’t have such a shitty Vagina Day. And either way if you do, I really don’t care. This is why I’m single and getting drunk to Bruce Willis kicking ass and taking names and not giving a mother fuck. End of story.
*5/10 people are wondering why, if I know all this, am I single. Well, my ex-boyfriend hated blow jobs and was extremely bi-polar. The rest of you just know it’s because I’m a fucking psycho.
