The Mega Pussy Posse
This is not a rant or a vent but mostly just a really cool idea that I think would be kick ass if real life happened at all like my vivid imagination. And by vivid, I mean I live in this world and don’t care if anyone else wants to play with me. Now when I was in high school, I would basically roll up into parties with @BriGalanto and whoever our third wheel at the time was. And I always thought, “Shit, what if I had a fucking kick ass mega posse of sluts that I could go out with?” There’s nothing wrong with who I go out with now, I just think that if I had this group of kick ass bids to rage with, life would be fucking cool for a day. So since that time I’ve always kind of had in my head who I’d want in my posse.
First of all, my bitch, TSwift. Absafuckinglutley this slut is going to be in my posse. She makes killer music. Just like really, really good shit I can sing and cry to in my car when I feel like showing my vag a little bit and not being such a hard ass. Now, I know what you’re thinking – Taylor Swift – not really that bad ass of a chick. But I really think that she has a crazy side. I mean after all, she hypothetically cheated on a Kennedy with a Schwarzenegger. CHEATED ON A KENNEDY WITH A SCHWARZENEGGER. That shit is bad ass whether or not it happened. That’s like taking Marilyn Monroe to the next level. I think it’s safe to assume she’s like a freak in bed and has probably fucked many county boys in the back of a pick up truck. It’s just unfortunate that we don’t get to hear about it. And the red lipstick is a dead giveaway. She’s single-handedly keeping Maybelline alive. TSwift is the kind of bid I want around because if you think about it, you would always win Kerryokee. Always. She’s Taylor Fucking Swift.
Ke$ha is also going to be in my posse. And definitely not for Kerryokee purposes, because lezzbehonest, that bitch cannot sing. I would probably pick Elizabeth Warren over her in an American Idol competition. Regardless of if she wants to mumble over bangin’ beats, I love her and the music she puts out. She’s straight up grimy and probably smells like Britney Spears Curious and Marb 100s. She is the kind of girl I need in my posse. I don’t know what I need her for exactly, but I think it’s mostly just the fact I need someone around me who is more trashy than I am. And I think that the only person on the planet who fits that profile is Ke$ha. She’s the kind of girl that would get so fucking hammered that she would probably try to make out with a urinal (its safe to assume she’s been in a men’s bathroom once or twice, probably safe enough to assume that she doesn’t use the women’s bathroom anymore). But you know what? I’m totally ok with that.
I need someone reliable and that slot is going to be given to EmmaFuckingStone. She just seems like the coolest effing broad on the planet. I don’t really know what she’s like in person, but I’m under the impression that her personality is very similar to her roles in movies. She just seems like “Hey I’m Emma Stone, I’m fucking weird but also really cool, let’s hang out”. And I would love to. I need someone to kind of balance my need to punch people in the face when I go out. She’s the kind of girl that wouldn’t even have to get violent or be a straight up cunt to get you away from her. She would just be all like “Haha, yeah no sorry” and the douchebags would scatter. She’s like the asshole whisperer. The Ghandi of bar time etiquette. I’m way too off my rocker and just look for the most awful shit to say to people if I don’t want to waste my time shooting the shit with CollegeBoyPrettyEyes with the Baby Gap tee and cross tattoo on his forearm. Emma Stone would keep me from wasting drinks via dumping them on people. She’s a move for my budget.
Chelsea Handler is a drunk and therefore has to come too. I think the better question is, why the fuck wouldn’t I want her to come? Her job is filming a talk show where herself and other popular comedians sit around and rag on Hollywood and other dumbassness. Her personal assistant is a fun-sized mexican Easter egg, and she gets to sit around and drink free Belvedere on television. She’s fucked 50 Cent. Why the fuck would I not want her around? She’s made millions of dollars being her damn self. And that to me is bad ass. Chelsea Handler gets to come because I want to be her when I grow up.
My next biddie is a little less well-know but if you don’t know her, you should order a pizza and get really messed up on drugs and booze and watch one of her comedy specials. Amy Schumer is that bitch. It might be really tough hanging out with someone funnier then me but if I have to make that sacrifice, I will. Her typical conversational topics would include ways to avoid smasmortions while still being a total slut, really inappropriate jokes involving race and underage boys, porn, getting her vag waxed, and calling her mom a cunt. I really just need someone fucking hilarious in the posse, and it’s going to be her.
Finally, because I think that six bids is enough for any posse, I need someone to be a straight boss. That slot is going to none other then Beatrix Kiddo aka The Bride aka Black Mamba aka Uma Thurman’s character in Kill Bill. I’ve always loved these movies and as I was watching it the other day, I was thinking to myself that this bitch would be the icing on my posse. She just does not give a fuck and I need that type of broad when I go out to the bar. Could you imagine a chick in a yellow jump suit hop out of the “Pussy Wagon” with a Katana sword, toss the keys to the valet and order a round of shots at the bar. And the best part? If Emma Stone couldn’t keep away all the creepers, I’m pretty sure that all would be handled the old fashion way. And I would love to see some crazy Quentin Tarantino choreographed fight scene go down over an 1800 & cranberry in a crowded bar. In fact, I would probably stir up some trouble to see some asshole’s head wind up getting flung into all the shitty tequila that bartenders try and feed me. Especially Patron.
And that ladies and gents concludes my ideal all pussy posse. Some of you may be wondering where the likes of Megan Fox, Olivia Wilde, Angelina Jolie, and those sex pots on Pretty Little Liars are on my list. Honestly, it’d be irresponsible and stupid to have any of my girl crushes in this posse of mine. C’mon now, like you expect me to get things done if I’m out with Megan Fox. Bitch please. Also, no disrespect to my main bids. Wouldn’t trade my real posse for the world. Awwwwwwwwwwwww. Gay.
*9/10 people are pissed that they waited like a week and half for a blog post and ended up getting nothing except my imaginary group of friends.
