Dumbass Bar Questions To The Max

Yesterday I was sitting at the bar after the Pats game with @AliLemos and was thinking about the dumbest fucking questions I have been asked while out at a bar. Like some of the shit that comes out of people’s mouths because they really have no clue what to say amazes me. And then it struck me that this dumbassness only goes on because people expect it. Certain things I’ve been asked at a bar make sense in that scenario, but when it really comes down to it, and you think about what was asked, you really just want to punch that person square in the eyeball with a steak knife. Let’s take this afternoon to highlight all of this shit. Aaaaaand go.

1. “What’re you girls up to?” – Ah, a classic. Talk to both bitches and then get a feel for whichever one is less of a fucking psycho. Good call sir. The only problem with this question is that, oh wait, what the fuck am I doing here at this bar? GETTING FUCKING SHMAMMEREDFACED BECAUSE I AM AT A FUCKING BAR. I get asked this all the time. And it didn’t strike me until yesterday how absolutely retarded people sound asking this. You know what, yeah, I’m actually in the middle of of a gripping novel and am studying for a pre-med exam right now. Could you please fuck off and take your free drinks with you? Thanks. That’d be great. God, people are so rude approaching me at the bar when I’m in the middle of all this me time shit.

2. “You’re beautiful, are you a model?” – Wow. Yep. I’m a model. Bitch I’m 5’3 and 125 lbs on a good fucking day. I’m chugging beer like its the 12th century and clean water isn’t the cat’s pajama’s yet. I had pizza bites at 8:30 this morning. My chin is crooked and I look like a retarded hooker in EVERY picture I’m in. But yes. Modeling is my passion. I’m all up on that Vogue shit. If you think I’m attractive, cool. If you want to fuck me, cool. If you’re just really hammered and everyone else is taken, cool. But don’t ask if I’m a model. I doubt I would be chillen in this dive bar right now. Come up with something better.

3. “Can I buy you a drink?” – Yeah, you know, I’d prefer if you didn’t. Free booze just sounds plain terrible. I’ll stick with water. With lemon. Maybe find a 50 cent shooter girl trolling around. I’ll be good with that.

4. “Are you in school?” – This is an honest thing to ask. It’s a good convo starter. I just hate being asked. No matter how you answer, you look like a failure. “No, I’m not” – you’re either going to think that I never went and work at Wendy’s, I graduated and just never left the area like someone that can’t let go, or that I graduated and want to hear you tell me about all the awesome weekends you spent at the school I went to that I didn’t like being at. Go Umass. If I lie, and tell you I’m in school, you either think that I’m underage, just turned 21, and in either scenario, spending my parent’s hard-earned money and probably plan on driving my brand new whip they bought me into a guard rail when I leave shit faced. No matter how I answer, I look like a tool.

5. “Do you come here often?” – Again, a decent thing to ask. It helps the other person get a feel or a read by what type of person you are by coming to this trashy ass bar with a shitty DJ all the time. Maybe they’ve honestly never been here and want to know what it’s like on a weekend, not that going out on a Monday is wrong, they tell you. I just don’t like this question because its fucking cheesy and creepy. If I tell you, “yeah bro, I come here all the time”, you may be showing up at this bar more than I would ever like to see you. “Ohhhh, Kerry, fancy running into you here at this bar I never use to go to but now come 6 out of 7 days a week in hopes that I’ll coincidentally bump into you”. If I tell you no, then you might get the “Well, you should” with a winky face. Yeahhhh. Unfortunately  I want nothing to do with you good sir, but that flirtatious wink face soaked my panties all the way through and now I will come here all the time. Thank God he likes me.

6. “So what do you like to do when you’re not (insert previous topic, for me it’s “being a sales slut, DJing, yelling at complete strangers, making fun of people etc etc etc and so forth”) – This question sucks. And only for the simple reason that I have to answer by saying “this”. I’m 22 years old. When I’m not stuck working or doing any of my fun little side projects, I’m looking for new ways to get drunk and meet people. That’s not to say I’m a lame person. I love doing other shit too, but by the time 9 o clock rolls around, my mind is focused on what I’m doing tonight involving booze and the potential to laugh at some dude’s expense. I just feel like a drunk when people ask me that and its not nice.

7. “Can I see you again?” – Just for the record, people don’t ask me this. They know better. I’ve just heard from some of my nicer looking and nicer in general bidfriends that they’ve been asked this. This is a stupid question because you’re backing yourself into a corner. Do you know how many excuses are out there that I can come up with do avoid you if I want to? I have an ear infection and my mind is swimming with ways to turn you down. “My car is going to blow up on Wednesday and I won’t have any way for you to pick me up”. Makes no sense, but you asked, and there is your answer. Now leave. ORRRR, or…what if I say yes? Guys automatically think that they have to be all impressive and what not. Maybe my bids are honestly looking for dinner and hand holding and snuggles on the couch. I’m looking for drunken conversation, a good sense of humor, and the potential to get it in. I understand that your dick is trying so hard to not just come right out and say so, but really, you don’t have to mask that bad Larry by pretending you have some wonderful romantic evening planned out for us. Just say it like it is.

Welp, that’s it folks. There is your 7. Now bar conversation is classically awkward and annoying, but I love it. I really fucking do. I love meeting people, I love laughing both with you and at you, and I love the ability to be able to make someone’s day and ruin’s someone life in the course of one Tequila Cranberry. Sometimes, you just have to point out the obvious.

*6/10 people used one, if not all of these lines over the weekend. My favorite pick up line? Click here.