The Worst Kind Of Parties

So I was at this house party last night. Actually no, let me rephrase that. I have house parties – ghetto ass house parties with roofies and blood and me ending up naked. I was at a fucking mansion party last night with my main bid. I was afraid to get dirt on the driveway. But anyway, I go to this party and I was so repulsed by the guys there. I would have better luck going to the zoo and and walking past the monkey cage. I just think that dudes need some updating on how they are, what they’re doing wrong, and why they’re leaving the party early with a stolen bottle of Jergens they found in an upstairs bathroom. This post will not be nice, it will not be pretty, and I hope you all take something from this and change yourselves for the better.

Within the first minute of me  entering said party, I have already found a problem. My friend that invited me to the party was talking to this dude. He was the token sexy guy at the party. But let me just clarify…there are sexy guys at a party and guys at a party I would have sex with. He was in the first group. Beautiful people have this uncanny sense of entitlement. “Ohhhh, I’m just soooooo0o0o0o0o0o gorgeous that everyone would want me and be thankful that I selected them out of this crowded room to talk at tonight”. So, finally pretty boy shuts the fuck up and turns to his Abercrombie & Fitch bros so I can say hi. I have to warn this girl. I sensed it from the moment I walked into the room. SMALL DICK SYNDROME. Now there is nothing wrong with having a small dick if you know how to make it happen. Girls will run off at the mouth about small dick this and small dick that and “hahaha I couldn’t feel you fucking me with your toothpick” or whatever mean things girls say when they’re sitting around drinking wine and watching Grey’s Anatomy. But to me, I appreciate any man who is good enough in car to make me think for a split second that he can get me off. Big dicks ruin my vagina. There’s nothing like a solid 7 or 8 inches to get the party started. But these pretty boy motherfuckers are pretty boy motherfuckers because there is something else wrong with them. He is well-dressed, nice hair, great smile, bids drool over this kid. But once we peel away the layers of bullshit, you’ll see what you’re really getting yourself into. Now, let’s have some at home involvement here – pick up the water bottle you’re drinking from, because everyone who reads this shit stained online trash blog is a drunk, and take off the bottle cap. Now imagine lying underneath some dude flailing on top of you, telling you how good he is, with that bottle cap as his penis. And there you have it. Please keep in mind here that I do have this awkwardly strange ability to know a man’s dick as soon as I meet him. It tends to get me in trouble, and of course, last night was no different. So I tell my girl as he’s looking away, to be warned that not only does he have a small dick, but he also won’t know how to fuck you with it. He catches an ear full and then starts to whine and cry that I’m being mean, and hating on him, and I’m judging him and so on and so forth. I tried to tell him that I’m not mean, and I’m not judging him because I don’t know him, and I was simply letting my friend know about his condition. It became sad when he couldn’t even come up with a comeback because he knows I’m right. But really guy, next time at least throw out a “well, I don’t have sex with ugly fucking cunts so how would you know”, because not only do you look like an idiot, you still have a small dick that only knows one speed and one position.

Onto the next type of guys – Quincy bros. Now there was no one there from Quincy, but it’s just how they are. Picture him. Mildly attractive but is so drunk ass red in the face, tries way to hard with an accent that no one in his immediate family has, is really loud and kind of obnoxious, oh, and typically dresses really nice with a button down, nice sneakers or shoes, nice jeans but always seems to have his four times too big shirt half buttoned, untucked and down to his ass, and some sort of stain on his pants no matter how early in the night it is. The problem with these kinds of guys isn’t the clothing or the fake accent, its the fact that they go to parties to pick fights, hang out with their bros, and get way too into ruit and flip clup. It’s mind blowing to me that the whole day, they’ll be hanging out, watching Sports Center, talking about bitches this and blow jobs that, but when they go to a party later on that night, it’s fuck him and blow me and come at me bro. It just seems very contradictory. This particular kid was shouting about getting locked up by the end of the night, yet no fights took place and he was of legal drinking age. I don’t really know.

Then you get the fucking annoying fucks who don’t know anything about booze. The one kid comes up to me and introduces himself. He actually seems pretty cool. He asks what I’m drinking. “1800”. Everyone who has ever partied with me or knows me, knows it’s silver tequila or shut the fuck up. I ask him if he’s ever had it. “Yeah, yeah, all the time”. I’m sure you readers at home already know how this turned out. Now, for those of you that don’t drink tequila, first of all start, and second of all, please reference this picture of 1800. When you turn the bottle upside down, it pours a perfect shot into the cap. One of the most ingenious ideas ever to come out of a liquor company. Unfortunately, it doesn’t actually work. The cap isn’t easy to get off, and obviously if you do get it off, you lose some tequila. What people don’t realize, is that instead of taking the cap off while the bottle is upside down, you should take the cap off while the bottle is right side up. Even then, it’s much easier just to pour a shot like you normally would. I don’t know why, it’s a difficult concept for people, and a concept that needs to be re-worked by 1800. Back to this fucking freak. Anyway, he’s playing with the bottle, tries to get a shot out, and spills almost all of it on @AliLemos. First of all, you don’t take my tequila without asking, you don’t waste my tequila after I tell you that you’re about to, and finally, you don’t spill my tequila on my bid. Though I was very close to taking my almost empty bottle back and knocking it over his fucking gremlin head, I refrained from doing so and told him to fuck off. THIS FUCKING KID would not take no for an answer. He thought he could redeem himself. Those were you three strikes. Every dude gets them, and you wasted yours on my bottle. After this fiasco, I decided to have some fun. Playing Jesus Christ over here, turning tequila into water. So I take my half-filled 1800 bottle of water and put it back on the counter. The next kid comes in and asks if I want to do a shot of Loopy. WHAT GROWN MAN THINKS THAT IT IS OK TO DRINK CEREAL-FLAVORED VODKA FROM A RAINBOW BOTTLE?! So I tell him that I don’t drink that shit. He thinks he’s cool now. “Oh, ok, how about some tequila?” Grabs my bottle, fills up two shot glasses, and does a really bad ass shot of water by himself. I was trying to get drunk, so I left my shot of water on the counter. You sir, are absolutely Charlie Sheening the fuck out of your early twenties.

Then of course, we have a whole collection of Lax Bros, a kid so hairy that he makes Chewbaca look Norwegian, and of course the two Mexicans who yelled at me when I touched their IPod – “Sorry white girl, there’s no Kelly Clarkson on there” so I put on Biggie  rap the first verse and than freestyle about them being fake as fuck and stuttering the words out. All in all, it was a tiring night. I’m looking for guys that can hang. The three coolest kids there were a 26 year old pizza delivery boy, a gay kid from Jersey, and a personal trainer who let me make fun of his name – it was Biz Mark, so you best believe I went out in full “OHHHH BABBYYY YOUUUUU, GOT WHAT I NEEEEED...”. It amazes me how badly dudes find the need to show out and impress other fucking dudes when they’re out. Nick was cool as shit because he was a pot head delivery boy and didn’t give a fuck, Alex was cool as shit because he doesn’t like vagina, and Biz was cool because he can laugh at himself. End of story. You don’t have to be the hottest guy there, the manliest guy there, or have a ton of money. Stop being fucking stupid and annoying at parties. And get a good wax.

*8/10 guys have admitted to stealing lotion at parties