If New England Weather Had A Yankee Candle Scent, It Would Be "Depression"

Sooooo…Fall. We meet again. Am I excited for sweatshirts and cider and crunchy leaves? FUCK NO. I don’t like it. Not a fan. I like the beach, and umbrella drinks, and being tan aka I should’ve moved to Florida when I had the chance. But I didn’t. And because of that, I am now in my unhappy place. As I’m thinking about it though, I feel like no matter what season it is, there is someone bitching and complaining about the weather. Today, in the pouring rain, that was me.

I could dedicate six posts to just going on about the fucking rain situation here in New England. When it rains in Florida, it downpours, like tsunami status. People keep trucking along, 85 mph, no problems. There was a slight mist this morning and it took me an hour and a half to get to work. An hour and a half. Apparently, rain up here turns people into 16 year olds attempting to pass their driving test for the first time. Apparently, most people drive cars that don’t have breaks either, which would makes sense as to why they slam on them 3097292493208622 feet before the guy in from of them. Oh, right, and apparently rain causes blindness, which is why you couldn’t see me with my blinker on for the last 5 minutes. Sorry my need to change lanes is getting in the way of you speeding to work in this stop and go traffic. You must be in such a rush to sit on fucking facebook and check how your fantasy team looks coming into the weekend. I have no idea what possesses people to drive like complete shit when it rains. We’re not driving Barbie Jeeps here, as much as little Kerry Elizabeth would enjoy one, no thanks to you Santa Clause. Most cars have good tires, good breaks, can get to point fucking B pretty alright. You’re not driving across Dante’s Peak. You can step on the fucking gas just as easily as you can when it’s sunny. Like fuck you. These are the kind of people that tell their kids “Ohhhhhh when it rains, those are just God’s tears”. Yeah, God’s up in Heaven balling is eyes out because he can see how fucking stupid we all look sitting in traffic because of a little drizzle.

Fall and Spring are fairly the same exact seasons except Fall sucks and Spring is awesome. “Oh yayyy! Pretty leaves!” Yeah…no. Pretty? They’re fucking dying because it’s freezing out and the sun is never out. The leaves are beginning to hybernate. That’s not attractive. It smells like death and cold outside. Spring on the other hand includes new plants, new baby naminal friends, and most importantly my birthday and warm weather. So many people rave about how fucking balls awesome Fall is. If I have to put on more clothing to be comfortable, I am officially uncomfortable. That foils all of my plans of giving out naked licenses for people to enjoy being naked (after passing a rigorous visual test that I would be in charge of, of course). I don’t like the smell of “fall”, like Yankee Candle’s version of spice nut apple spritzer pie crackle mcgee or whatever such nonsense they jam pack into candles today. At least in the Spring you know its just going to get better. Granted, its a little wetter, but since when has that been a complaint with anybody. “Gosh, you’re just far too wet for my liking. I’m sorry, I can’t do this. Where’s my sand paper?”, said no one ever. It continuously gets warmer and people are able to wear less and less and I’m not such a miserable bitch. What’s not to like about the Spring, or better yet, why like the Fall more? Granted Thanksgiving > Easter but all things aside St. Patty’s Day kicks the shit out of Columbus Day, day off or not. Oh, and did I mention that my birthday happens, which should of course should be a National Holiday if you’ve ever celebrated with me.

Fuck you if you like Winter. “Aw bro, I totally snowboard!!!!!11! I can’t wait to tear up some fresh powder all weekend!” You know what I can’t wait for? Another Winter like this past year where it’s 50 degrees everyday so you can shut the fuck up and stop doing your Voodoo Mountain Snow Peak Dance. I don’t like cold, I don’t like snow, and I especially don’t like to two together. It was one thing entirely when I was in school and got days off and could build forts and eat snow and OJ slushies but now it just reminds me that New England is basically Alaska’s cousin in the East. A far less communist cousin at that. My body and my mind are never properly prepared to deal with blistering cold temperatures and four hours of daylight that I typically sleep through. My life in the Winter should not be an episode of “I Can’t Believe I’m Alive”. I’m not scaling Mt. Everest. I should be scaling pool boys in South Beach, but I’m stuck with 12 layers of clothing because I don’t own any goshdamn Winter clothing. Fucking two bras, six tanktops, a long sleeve shirt, a sweatshirt, and 2 pairs of socks, I’m ready to start my day. And don’t even get me started about people that like Winter because of Christmas. Lezzbehonest here folks, they start preparing for that shit in September.

Thank God we’re onto Summer. Spring is actually my favorite season but Summer is great to talk about. Now, people of New England love to fucking bitch about how hot it is. Yeah, it’s fucking Summer. Of course it’s hot. Why do you think you never got invited to a pool party in February? EXACTLY. Because you weren’t popular enough. I can sit here and bitch about Winter all day, but never in my life will you ever hear me complain about being hot. You get to wear little to nothing, look fucking awesome and tan, and give yourself excuses for staying out and drinking until 3AM on a Wednesday night. Summer still means Summer Vacation in my book, even though that doesn’t exist for ad-ultz…which in my opinion, is straight up bullshit. Unless of course, you’re a teacher, but then you’re stuck with kids all day  and if that was my job, I don’t think I’d get past September. I’d blow my brains out by that first Thursday back. If you don’t like being hot, sit in the AC. If you don’t like sweating, take a shower. And if you don’t like the summer, find a good spot in Santa’s Village and stop ruining it for those of us who were born in the wrong part of the country.  

Good, great, grand, wonderful! You like the Fall! Well I fucking don’t. I know it’s coming. And I know I’m going to be miserable. And I already don’t want it to happen. So please don’t rub it in my face that I have to wait another six months to be remotely content. More people should learn to like Spring and Summer. And I mean really like it, stop bitching about the heat, or the clouds or whatever. Befriend those big, fat, grey fluffy motherfuckers. Learn to embrace it. That is all.

*6/10 people are straight bumpin’ Bing Crosby’s Christmas Classics while reading this.