WTF Do People Do When They're Not Drinking?

God I hope someone clicked on this because they thought I was pregnant. KIDDING! You fucking goons. I’m not pregnant. Unfortunately, I can’t drink due to my chest cavity being sawed open by a nice man with a PhD who then filled it with plastic bags of contact solution this past Tuesday. Yes, yes I finally got my boobs done. Yes, yes I know. Now we can all applaud because the psycho guinea can stop going on about how much she wants it done. But that’s not my point here. I’m not allowed to drink. I don’t really know for how long, but I guess a safe bet would be a couple of weeks just until everything is getting nicely healed up. But seriously…WHAT THE FUCK DO PEOPLE DO WITHOUT ALCOHOL?

By all means, call me an alcoholic, but I’m fucking not. When was my last drink? Last fucking Saturday. When was yours? Probably drinking it right now. And if you’re not, it’s Friday, so maybe I should be polling you people as to what’s holding you back. Tequila and cran to me is like what Go-Go Juice is to Honey Boo Boo. She needs that shit to compete in pageants. I need my alcohol to cope with all the dumbasses in the world – work, people blowing me up with nonsense, people telling me they want to fuck but then remember they’re actually still fucking their ex, people pretending they want to fuck but are too big of pussies to do it, people that are just pussies, girls being fake as fuck, guys being stupid, like it’s a wonder why I haven’t found a nice bridge yet. And then I remember…BOOZE. So if anyone has any ideas for me, shoot.

I have to say, I’m lucky that my awesome roommate @AliLemos has been a doll these past few days. Major fucking props to her. But like most NORMAL people on Friday nights, she went out to do fun things and now I realize that my only other friend to hang out with tonight is my blog. Normally in this type of scenario, I would drink and then hit up some people I haven’t seen in awhile. Unfortunately  along with drinking, my life has also disappeared. Alcohol is a great way to bring people together that A. you don’t really want to see or B. that you feel incredibly awkward around. Along with alcohol comes people, and along with people comes alcohol. Being social and booze are just two things that go hand in hand because the alcohol makes not only the people around you more enjoyable, but your perceptions of those people more enjoyable. That “really hot, really cool guy” you met the other night? Try hanging out with him again. Guaranteed he’s got a hair lip, lives off of his parents, and wants to sit around and tell you how you’re the most beautiful goddess he’s ever seen in his life, all while serenading you with The Rocky Theme Song on the harp. I’ve got a lot of friends that I go out and drink with, and then ask myself later “Why the fuck did I go out with that person? They suck so much dick!”. And then I try and tell myself that they just got a little too drunk, when really, we’ve just been doing it so long that it’s hard to find new friends. Kind of like marriage. Only I don’t have to fake an orgasm.

So what else can I do if I can’t be social? Movies? Hmm, yeah I could watch a movie. The only problem is that all my movies involve drinking one way or another. Transformers? Have you ever played “Drink When Megan Fox looks hot”? Superbad? The whole movie is about a fucking house party, and fake IDs, and a guy that robs a liquor store, gasoline tanks filled with beer, and foods that look like dicks. So maybe I don’t stay in and watch a movie. Maybe I go out and see a movie. My typical movie going experience involved three pitchers of Sangria and pushing the movie times back later and later. The last time I saw a movie soberly was when I went to go see Narnia with my sister about four years ago. I will say that movie was dope. All things aside. But I guess the movie thing is out because I can’t sit still long enough. Enter: Booze Coma.

FACEBOOK STALK! Woohooo! I’m gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of the world. Now normally after a drink or two, which if you have your Kerry Booze Converter you would know that would equal three to five bad Larry’s in your book, I would love to fbook stalk everybody. “This bitch just got knocked up, let’s go back four months and see who she was dating then, oooh that’s not who she’s bangin’ now” or “Wow that kid was so sexy six years ago, let’s facebook chat him, ‘Hey baby I havent talk to u in forever, hope ur doing good, im totally sober now i got help but i gotta go bc my face is numb from this line ttyl’...And that’s why we don’t chat Kerry” or “This song that came on shuffle is so awesome! Status! 10 minutes later…Oh fuck! This is my jam! Status! 28 statuses within 32 minutes later…” But soberly, you can handle facebook stalking in all of five minutes. “Baby mama drama, bitch broke up with him, yay sports, cool picture of some instagramed food you made or some shit you bought, fuck you Brian I don’t care that you listed to Bobby Brown on Spotify, no one cares you have homework and then of course…I’M SO FUCKING HAMMERED AT THIS AWESOME BAR!” Motherfuck. And we’re back to square one.

Knit? Read a book? Fucking do some online shopping? Like what the fuck? I could go on for years about all the things a person can do when they’re not actually out drinking on a Friday night, but I hate to say it EVERYTHING IS BETTER WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK. If it wasn’t the case, why would people drink!? And yeah, I could’ve written about more shit, but obviously things like the Carnival and dirt biking and going to the beach and walking around aimlessly are better when drinking. I’m straight up here to discuss what to do when I’m stuck home alone at night, on a weekend and I can’t drink. This is America. Why hasn’t someone invented some sort of miraculous booze that doesn’t slow down your immune system? And along with that, why hasn’t time travel been patented yet? I could really use that shit.

*2/10 people didn’t go out last night because they were doing homework or working but we’re still actually drunk while doing those things. Free pass.