LABOR DAY JOB FAIR!
My friend @Tom Spencer today sent me a few fun ideas for a post. He mentioned that he hates when people bang on the closed and locked door of the place he works at, asking if they’re open. I really hope he answers the door by saying “Yes, we’re most definitely open because locked doors allow people to come in and procure goods and services. The Stephen Hawking gods must have provided you with an extremely high IQ for knowing that I’ll answer your insentient banging on my glass door to prevent you from busting through it, cutting your hand open, and suing the fuck out of me”. FUCKING IDIOTS. Anyway, I can’t write an entire post about one instance so I decided to make this post-Labor Day post all about the ways fucking retards ruin our jobs.
1. Sales: I’m a sales bitch when I’m not writing this orgasmic blog. Part of my job, which I actually love by the way, includes a task to find new customers by which the industry has coined as “cold calling”. This is basically me barging the fuck in on your business and trying to get you to talk to me about the shit I sell. Typically, I just swap business cards because the person I need to talk to actually has an office with a window and isn’t a bitchy receptionist minion. I do however get the pleasant sluts who respond with a cuntly “We’re probably all set, the owner isn’t interested, we don’t have any money, the economy is bad etc. etc. etc.”. My FAVORITE thing to do is cut them off and say all these things while they’re in mid-sentence so they can just take my business card and cutesy little Bill Cosby grin and shove it the fuck up their $10/hour fat asses. I must have been unaware that some girl coming in and asking for a business card would COMPLETELY ruin your day and drag you away from your ever important job as a general front desk bullshitter. Sorry to interrupt an exciting afternoon of Windows updates. You don’t make the decisions so therefore you get no opinion about me, my job, or the fact I am happier and more attractive than you are.
2. Restaraunt/Bar Bitch: Before sales, I was the food service industry slut of America. I know a good chunk of shit and have a seen a lot of chunks of shit. My favorite thing is going the extra mile for a fucking annoying ass customer and getting nothing more than rude ass remarks and side comments. Apparently, most people have not seen the moving “Waiting” and are familiar with the line “Don’t fuck with the people that handle your food.” In all seriousness, if I knew that a collective group of drunk, hungover, strung out, annoyed, and/or creepy motherfuckers were dealing with my food and beverages, I wouldn’t be a douchebag. Plain and simple. You’ve got a creepy pedophile making your food, the recovering drug addict handling take out orders, the hungover bar tender who had to run to the bathroom to vom for every drink that was made and her bar tender friend who doubles as a stripper, you have the hostess who is either getting fucked by your boss or secretly hoping she will get fucked by the owner, the high as a motherfucking kite delivery boy, and me, who typically shows up to work intoxicated to stomach dealing with retarded customers. Do you really want any of these people serving you pissed off? No, I didn’t think so. Don’t fucking substitute twelve things, don’t ask for extra shit and expect not to get charged, don’t think that you can be rude because you’re a regular, and most importantly, DON’T TELL ME THAT YOU’RE DRINK IS TOO STRONG. Who even fucking says that? You should be writing us a thank you card.
3. Retail: Luckily, I’ve never had to work retail EVER. People who work in retail have weird ass inside jokes that no one in any other work environment understand. I’ll be that guy that comes in and fucks up your stack of shirts. My question to you folks is – why fucking fold and stack screen print tees? How am I supposed to read what the fuck is on the shirt? Retail just sucks because its always generally busy, you don’t get any extra money for it being busy, and when it’s too slow, your hours get cut. Oh, not to mention that you probably work for a crazy fucking corporate hierarchy. Anyway, if you work retail, you have to deal with people’s stupidity more so than other profession. You have fucking retards that come in, try and return things that they fucked up, legally “steal” shit by bullshitting their way through three coupons at once, and enjoy shopping for thousands of dollars worth of shit 20 minutes after you close.
4. Medical Shit: If you refer to our customers as “patients” this one is for you. Your job is tough because you HAVE to try to be nice to people. It’s like basically necessary. Only you have to be nice to people that are sick or miserable or gross or dead. Or cancerous. Or have herpes. Oh, and you tend to work shitty hours. The upside though, is that you know people’s deepest and darkest secrets. Things like bacteria growing on their ass or lung infections from huffing paint or cataracts from watching some of that crazy “girl gets fucked up the ass by an elephant XXX horny fuck sexy” shit. When it comes down to it, I feel like the good might outweigh the bad for you guys.
5. Service: By service, I mean people who work in fields that require a more hands on approach – people you would pay to fix something for you, build you something, make you something, do something that you can’t do yourself and so on. People in the service field have a bad rep typically because they deal with customers who have a bad past experience and now are either coming to you to fix a worse problem that they themselves created orrrrrr are going to pretend that they know everything and not really believe anything you say. “Oh, I had a bad experience with some guy who charged me too much to build me a patio so I read a book called ‘Patios and Construction For Dummies’ and I think I’m ready to start building Notre Dame in my backyard”. OK Quasimodo. Next thing you know this guy’s house is half burnt down and his dog got cemented to the garage. The upside here is that there are typically some sexy fucking people working in this field. I can dig it.
6. Office Slut: You sit around all day and stare at a computer and fill out “reports”. Honestly, I’m not really sure what types of customers office sluts deal with. I guess if the reports come from your boss, than your boss would be your customer and that just sounds fucking shitty. Not only is the man – or woman if we must be politically correct – who is breathing down your neck every 30 seconds your boss, but also your customer. You just cut out your middleman right there. Go to you boss for work; go to your boss with completed work. Boss gives your more work…work sounds fake. This is like some sort of Office Slut vortex that is confusing the fuck out of me. I’m sorry. Does not compute.
7. Entertainment: I guess we could categorize this under services but this is more performance based rather than finished product. People that are actors, musicians, DJs, models, photographers, dancers, strippers, and so on. One of the best feelings I ever felt was getting paid to DJ. I was making money doing something I loved, and I think that anybody with a job like this would feel the same way. The problem comes in when you realize how much bullshit goes into it. You have a boss that controls if you’ll have a customer, and customers that control if you have a boss. If you’re good, you get paid, but in the mean time, you have to deal with drunk fucking douchebags, stupid ass biddies, and the person paying you out treating you like a commodity rather than a person. There are really good days, and really bad days, and a lot of days where you just wished you knocked the fucking bitch out who yelled at you for not playing her song (which she was getting fucked in the bathroom during), or tried to snatch your camera, or whatever the fuck else. THE WORST PART IS THAT PEOPLE DON’T FUCKING BELIEVE YOU ARE WORKING AND WILL ANNOY THE FUCKING SHIT OUT OF YOU. Sorry I get paid to do something cool and you’re a 6th year senior with a degree in Botany.
We could always say the grass is greener, and maybe depending on your current work sitch, it might be. But honestly, everyone has good days and bad days. No one’s job is necessarily better or worse, it just depends how you handle the typical neanderthals from outer space you meet on a regular basis. Or worse – foreigners. Kidding. That was a joke. I know with all this political shit going on, someone is bound to slap me with some sort of fine or Obama back hand that would put Katt Williams to shame.
*8/10 people are still pissed they have to wake up for work tomorrow. The other two? One’s a stripper and the other is enjoying that awesome Wednesday off that so many other people have off.
