Motherfucking A, I Forgot That Fall Just Meant More TV Shows

So, for those of you that aren’t aware or aren’t cat ladies (for the record, I don’t even get to have a cat), Tuesday is Law & Order SVU Marathon day. All day and night, USA just shows a fuck ton of episodes. It’s awesome. It’s now roughly 10:40, and there are no more episodes on. Some bullshit USA show is on like Burn Notice or White Collar. “Oh! I loved last night’s episode of ‘Covert Affairs’”, said no one ever. There should be SVU episodes on until midnight, so why the FUCK am I watching something else right now? I’m racking my brain, racking my brain…and it hits me. My roommate, @AlisonLemos asked me when she got home if I wanted to come watch Sons of Anarchy with her. “No, I’ve never seen that show in my life. Like I’d love to come out, but I have no idea what that show is even about”. Based on everyone’s statuses, it started at 10, and conveniently, that’s when I stopped getting to hang out with Olivia and Elliot. I understand I like JUST wrote about TV, but now that’s all anyone does, thus not wanting to go out with me, that’s what I’ll be writing about. WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH ALL THESE SHOWS I DON’T WATCH?

I’m assuming I was doing something. Actually, no. Let’s back track. I don’t really like TV shows that you have to follow. I don’t remember the last time I was doing something else, such as this blog for you ungrateful bastards, while watching TV. TV is just straight company for me because I’m not allowed to have pets and men are usually asked to leave after I sleep with them. I get lonely and TV provides a friendly voice. I’m going to use this post as kind of a research page to figure out what the fuck is going on right now with people’s show addictions.

I feel like timing is everything. Take Sons of Anarchy for example. That shit aired on September 3rd, 2008. That was my first week of college at a little school called Umass Amherst and I was working. Hmmm, shit, I don’t know. Do I watch this show…or do I make this paper so I can rage this fucking weekend at one of the biggest party schools in America? (Fun Fact: I got arrested a few days later for underage possession and providing false identification). Oh, hahaha, speaking of the day I got arrested…that’s when True Blood premiered. Breaking Bad aired on January 20th, 2008 – that would’ve been my senior year of high school. Party city right? No, I was working. “Kerry, how do you remember your work schedule back then?” Because I was working everyday because all my friends moved away to college and I had no friends. Jeeze, bet you feel like a dick for asking now huh? And to top it all off, shows are shown at night. I don’t know about you, but if I have the option of going out, getting it in, or doing something other then sit on my couch, I fucking will. There is not a damn show in the world that I will run home to watch. “Hey you, yeah, excuse me. Please stop. The whole tongue in my vagina thing is preventing me from watching American Idol”. FUCK NO. Try a little harder, maybe I’ll hit that note for you. The day they give me my own show, maybe I’ll be rushing home, but the oral sex guy can come too.

And then I was thinking about what these shows are actually about. I never started watching Sons of Anarchy because it reminded me way too much of Gangland. I just couldn’t get passed the idea of wanting to know the intricate hierarchy of their biker gang. I’m nosy! What can I say? The X Factor? I have some skills. I can rock a mic. I just had a dance party in my dining room on Saturday. True Blood is about vampires and fairies and warewolves that fuck. I’m pretty sure that will be my Halloween party, at least I hope so. Eastbound and Down? I can walk into a Cumby’s and get hit on by a failure of a middle-aged man with a mullet and jorts, the only difference is that 20-something year olds with office jobs don’t want to be him when they grow up. Grey’s Anatomy…dude. Everyone’s show takes place in a fucking hospital. Scrubs, House, Dr. G, even shows that aren’t supposed to have hospital scenes, show some sort of event in a hospital. Get me a reality show about a hospital. Call it “Who Wants To Be a Plastic Surgeon”. I would watch that shit. It’s really tough for me to get excited about a show and turn it on when I know the premise is just a joke to me. You can try and explain it to me sixteen times but until you force me via some sort of military torture, I won’t be able to get it.

What do I watch? Mostly just stupid shit I can laugh at like Family Guy or South Park. Shit that can be watched anytime in any circumstance. Shows that have predictable patterns so I know that I can leave the room or be doing something else and not miss my plot twists. Take SVU for example. You get a plot twist right around the 20 minute mark and then one right around the 45 minute mark. I can be making dinner, writing this blog, finding some new music, and STILL get that rush when Olivia and Elliot discover that the girl’s mom was raping her and her friends at their homecoming dance, only to later discover that the girl’s “mom” is really her dad. It’s awesome. I’ve become obsessed with that show Bar Rescue because I love seeing how fucking stupid people are. “Oh sure, I’m $900k in debt, but this pirate bar theme is staying! Arg!”. The biggest twist in that show is the guy’s face, and I don’t mean that he looks surprised at these people’s stupidity, but rather the fact that his face is always twisted into an angry, surprised, bug-eyed manner. You can never tell if the guy is pissed, excited, or taking a shit. I will say that I’ve been trying to get more into TV and stuff. I got hooked on The Walking Dead. That show is fucking awesome. It’s like if you took a soap opera and threw in into a zombie apocalypse and then killed off the sexiest motherfucker yet still have me hooked so bad that I’m stuck waiting for season 3. Oh and there’s guns. Quality programming. Finally, and I really hate to admit this, a certain roommate of mine got me hooked on that fucking biddie show Pretty Little Sluts, I mean Liars. Those bitches have the most interesting high school I’ve ever seen in my life. Everyday there is a new scandal, and by scandal I mean someone dies or gets killed or is stalked or someone’s parents will find out that they’re fucking their teacher, like oh my God, holy shit, I want to go to school there. The thing that keeps me coming back for more is the fact that it never snows there and the show takes place in Pennsylvania. Call up Robert Stack and let him know that he’s got a new Unsolved Mystery to uncover.

What’s my point? I don’t even have one. I’m just pissed that I missed out on all these fucking shows because I was busy being distracted by life. Never in my life would I rush home to sit in front of the TV. That’s what DVR is fucking for. I just really don’t get it and I struggle to get into TV shows when I’m like 6 years behind. Can I download this stuff and watch it? Sure, but even then, it would take weeks out of my life to do that. I typically just bank on shows getting cancelled and then I won’t have to feel bad.

*5/10 people need to pretend Sons of Anarachy is about to come on while driving on 95