Getting Past "Wanna Watch A Movie" And Actually Watching Something
TV Land is humorous. We have all these channels and shit to watch which is nice, but it also makes life difficult when it comes to agreeing with your significant others, fuck buddies, friends, and roommates. Sometimes, we’re nice, and give the clicker up and sit through a show we really don’t want to. Sometimes we get the clicker and make people watch shit that they don’t like. So when it comes down to it, I’m here to break down the ways that guys and girls watch TV and movies.
1. Sports:
Dudes – “Yeahjfnfdoivfdvyeahyeahstuffokjhrehgurgmerrrrrr”. Done. Leave them alone for the whole day if you want. Don’t talk to them. Sports are great as long as I don’t have to be involved. Let them yell and talk about it and whatever. I can go off and do shit now.
Girls – “Wes Welker is so0o0o0o awesome, blah blah sports vomit”. Most girls have a sport or sports that they like. Some are honestly into it; some just bullshit. Either way, guys think its hot and/or mildly annoying at times.
Me – “I’m sorry. I can’t hear over my imagination getting bent over and fucked by Aaron Hernandez.”
2. Crime Dramas:
Dudes – “Fuck this shit, my girlfriend thinks she’s going to get raped or murdered by a three legged man hooker”. It is a very real possibility. Just like semen is on everything.
Girls – “I want Stabler to do dirty things to me”. Crime dramas are like sports for girls. Don’t bother them, and especially don’t interrupt them during. She won’t even notice if you’re home or not.
Me – “My vagina is tingly over all the possible fucked up shit I’m about to see. Go Liv and Elliot.”
3. Romantic Comedies:
Dudes – Wahhhh, these stupid movies give unrealistic expectations to girls about men. Please note that I didn’t put that in quotation marks because dudes don’t know what the phrase “unrealistic expectations” even means, though they probably hear it about their sex life more often than not. The funny thing here is that what guys don’t realize is that their girlfriends will totally fuck the bejeezus out of them after the credits roll.
Girls – Sad sobs about how their lives are nothing like that whatsoever. Well, one thing is correct. You bitches cry over your love lives just as much as these fucking movies.
Me – “Ted is the ideal romantic comedy. 70% comedy. 20% bear comedy. 10% I’m in love with Mila Kunis”.
4. War Movies:
Dudes: “ROAR ROAR ROAR CAPS LOCK ROAR! THIS SHIT IS SO FUCKING REALISTIC! BAM WAR. I’M IN THE MILITARY. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU I’M RIGHT YOU’RE WRONG. WAR ROAR!” I don’t know why, but everyone seems to have some sort of connection and opinion about the military when Black Hawk Down or The Hurtlocker comes on TV. I don’t even want people’s opinions about the fucking military otherwise. Just because you watched a movie or tried to sign up at some point doesn’t make you Colonel Mustard.
Bids: “Wahhh this movie just reminds me of the last douchebag I watched it with.” Yeahhhh…don’t date military.
Me: ZzZZzzZZZ
5. Over-Sexualized Cable Dramas:
Dudes: “Ermehgawd! Biker sex.” FapFapFapFapFap.
Bids: “Ermehgawd! Vampire sex.” Bzzzzzzzzzzz.
Me: “Oh fuck! We get this channel?!”
6. Stoner Comedies:
Dudes: “Ha Ha we should totally try that bro!” Yeah, alright DUDE. Crash weddings. Let me know how that works out for you.
Bids: “This is gay. Why did I agree to come to this?” You came to this movie because everyone will be talking about it and it makes you feel self conscious that you won’t be able to.
Me:“ThisIsAHouseOfLearnedDoctorsWorks60%OfTheTimeEverytimeYourFaceLooksLikeAVaginaYouTouchedBecca’sFootWithYourDickOErroneousOnBothCounts”.
7. Reality TV:
Dudes: “Fuck! Did you just see that shit?!”
Bids: “OMG! Did you see what just happened?!” No, I missed it. Luckily MTV shows this shit on repeat 86 times a day.
Me: “I could totally be a bounty hunting parking police pawn store owner that makes duck calls and repos cars. That would be sick”.
TV and movies were invented with the sole purpose of bringing people closer, when in fact, they just pushed people further apart. People can’t really agree on shows or understand why their significant others want to watch certain movies. Just live with it. It’s a fucking show anyway. If my life was 10% as interesting as anything I watched on TV, I would probably not be writing this blog or drinking 1800 on the rocks. But I do and I am so fuck you TV.
*9/10 people require the beloved shows and movies to function as much as I require a steady flow of oral sex.
