The Anatomy of Getting Hit On
Being the babe that I am, I’ve been hit on by lots of different people in many different ways. These are the things that make America the great melting pot of the world. And also probably the reason why the above girls are covered in their own puke. Holy shit, that one girl on the bottom row is like sleeping in it like one of the drugged out sluts in Taken. Fuck bitch, I don’t even want my daughter’s jacket back anymore. ANYWAY...as I was saying, I’ve decided to compile a list of the different types of ways you can get hit on. Bros, take heed because this will bust your chops a little bit and bids, please take a step back and re-analyze your life if you’ve fallen for some of this shit.
1. The Hottie: The hottie is your typical pretty boy queer that your shallow friends love. He’ll come up to you and just expect you to drop everything you’re doing – your friends, your drink, your self-esteem, your panties etc. – and just fawn over how sexy he is. You’re supposed to laugh at all of his stupid ass jokes, show a great big smile at all his cheesy “compliments” aka “you look like a girl I used to sit behind in class that always smelled like cigarettes but she was hot and you look like her”, and worst of all, you’re supposed to go home with him. What most girls don’t piece together is that this fucker is boring as shit. He’s used his looks all throughout life to get laid and has no personality, no concept of fun, and most importantly, IS NOT SUAVE, DEBONAIR OR CHARMING. He just looks like a character in a movie that might be. What I enjoy doing when I meet a guy like this is get him wrapped him around my finger in five minutes to make stupid sluts at the bar jealous and then I release him back into the wild. This will drop his standards, as he’s embarrassed that I got sick of him, and go home with an ogre. It’s fun to watch.
2. The CEO: The CEO is a hottie that is hot based on the fact that he generally has money and his confidence from the money makes him desirable. He’ll usually buy you a drink, without asking of course, that he thinks you drink – cranberry vodka, sex on the beach, a cosmo, some girly shit like that. Boy, is he in for a treat ordering me a cranberry vodka. I’ll suck 6 of those bad Larry’s down in ten minutes and then slit your throat with my straw. That’s why I don’t drink vodka, but I guess that’s what girls drink. Or, and this one is even better…he’ll offer to buy you a drink. “Anything you want”, he says. And then expects you to sleep with him. So, let me get this straight. You bought me a $9 1800 and cranberry, even though you tried to shove Patron down my throat all night you yuppie, Beemer driving fuck? So, the fact that I’ve been drinking the same thing, all night, before you even came into the picture, should tell you what? Oh, that’s right, I don’t fucking NEED you. I mean after all, how romantic is someone purchasing you expensive bottled poison from a beer wench? It’s not. Neither is flashing money. Or a Black card. Or your S Class. Or whatever else you have to brag about. All of that shit isn’t real. It could be gone tomorrow. Then I guess you can flash me your velcro wallet.
3. That Awkward Motherfucker: This kid is so common. He’ll come up to you and start a conversation even though he’s dripping in sweat and shaking like I’m a dragon or something. And you know what? That conversation will probably be pretty good. But he’ll just want to eat up your night. Like cool, good talk bro, but there’s a lotta people here and I didn’t come to the bar tonight to start a book club with you. I’m sorry, I didn’t. And typically, a hottie will come up to you and he’s hot so he fucking distracts your vag for a sec and the awkward kid gives into it for a minute and is polite and keeps his mouth shut but then sulks away and drinks his beer in the corner. And the best part is, the next time you catch eyes with him or bump into him on the way to the bathroom, he won’t even look at you. He’ll ignore you like you guys dated for three years and you cheated on him with his brother, and gave him the clap.
4. That Rando Kid: Have you ever been somewhere, like maybe a different town, or out to dinner somewhere, or just walking down the street, and some kid will holla at you or ask for your phone number, and you’re just like what the fuck? No, but like really…what the fuck? Yeah dude, let me jot down my number because this is 1943 and I actually live in this down and I’ll give you my phone number so we can keep in touch while your overseas fighting the war on Nazis. NO! It’s 2012. You asked for my phone number so you could pester me for a week, probably less, and then inconsistently for a couple months, telling me that we should hang out or whatever the fuck nonsense you’re telling me, and then stop abruptly because I don’t have the patience for this shit and you’ve finally picked up on that. We’re not going to fuck, we’re not going to hang out, we’re not going out to dinner. You’re probably a level three pedophile or a juggalo or something and I don’t know you from a hole in the wall. Why the fuck would I just want to hang out? I don’t know shit about you or have ever seen you in person for more than two minutes. Our conversations of “Hey” “Hey” “What’s Up?” “Nothing, you? “Nothing, working” didn’t get my panties wet or let me into your world of danger and excitement. Like really? Fuck off.
5. The Drunk Texter: Everyone has one. I don’t mean a person you talk to on the reg or someone you see normally. No, this dude loves drunk texting you into the wee hours of the morning and then never talks to you any other time. Never asks to hang out, or even come over and fuck at 3 AM. No. It’s like they just enjoy talking to you all the time when they’re drunk. And you probably haven’t seen them in forever. It’s just weird. Like if you want to get to know me, I’m alive during the day time. I’m not on my Count Chocula time clock. If you just want to fuck, just let me know. I don’t like compliments at 3 AM. I like sleep or dick and you’re preventing both currently.
6. The Musically Inclined Dude: This has three sub-categories. See as follows. Please note that not all are like this, though most are:
-The Musician: Wicked big fat pussy. Probably sexy and plays an instrument but you can’t keep a conversation going for more than five minutes because he’s actually girlier and more of a vaj-ay than you are. He thinks that girls actually really do want to hear about his feelings in places other than his acoustic sing-songy bullshit. OK, Chris Carrabba.
-The Rapper: All he wants you do is listen to his music. It’s probably not good. Like outdated by at least six years. Actually, come to think of it, the “typical” rapper persona as a whole is outdated by six years. If you aspire to be a rapper, you should probably get some fucking grown man swag, learn a thing or two about instruments, and make real music rather than argue about why no one sounds like 2Pac or why no one wants to by your demo with you spitting over Dirty South beats via your mom’s basement.
-The DJ: The DJ just wants you to come to his club. He’s going to bribe you with free cover and free drinks and free dick later. DJ’s are just nerds deep down who got some confidence after being in the club so long. And what most girls don’t realize is that they can usually get these things without having to suck the DJ’s balls.
7. The Angry Soul: You’ve hung out with this kid quite a few times probably. He’s a great guy, a good person and you enjoy his company, but you just aren’t attracted to him. Oh, you didn’t know? Yeah that’s actually your fault. “Yep, you know what? He’s so awesome and cool and we have so much fun, but I’m going to turn him down because I LOVE being alone. More than anything”. You’ll get angry texts or resentful conversations one right after another. Usually after he’s been drinking, and he’ll go one about how he can’t stand to be around you or why he has no idea why you won’t give into his advances or why you won’t date him. And then later, you’ll usually get an apology text because he’ll always believe that you’ll just up and change your mind some day, because again, its your choice not to like someone. It’ll be a fun 4-6 text pages of reading for when you wake up or check your phone. Something to do while waiting for the snooze to go off again.
8. The Douchebag: The douchebag is a complete scam. Guys become douchebags because they believe its what girls want. That’s a lie. Most girls want someone that opens up to them, and that they can open up to. Not this mirage of Pauly D and bullshit. Personally, I like the idea of a douchebag because I would assume that they would have multiple girls to entertain, thus being able to keep their noses out of my shit, all while keeping their dicks in it. But I’ve come to realize that the douchebag is really just a guy who got crushed by one too many ex-girlfriends and likes to pretend he’s going all Rico Suave on vag all the time. Livin’ it up and not giving a fuck. Yeah, livin’ it up and not giving a fuck with everything except me. You’re actually the sweetest type of dude out there that it makes me want to throw up my intestines. Why bother pretending? You’re just the evolved form of That Awkward Motherfucker. Insteatd of Charmander, Charmeleon, and Charizard, it goes That Awkward Motherfucker, The Douchebag, and then finally death via baby mama drama.
9. The Ex: The ex likes to push you so far away when your intentions are good and then come back at in-opportune times and throw temper tantrums as to why you’re not catering to their every whim. It’s like they forgot they even broke up and spit on you the first time. Because the second they come around, it’s just baby’s and I love you’s and I miss you’s and a whole bunch of unicorn shit that you can shove up your Lisa Frank cornucopia and save for some dumb bitch who wants to fall for it. Too little too late. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me 23043214512074897135 times, shame on me.
10. The Current Boyfriend: “We’re doing so awesome. Everything is perfect. I love love!”
2 Weeks Later
“I fucking hate him. I wish he was dead! He’s so fucking shitty”.
Yawn. Vomit. Repeat.
11. The Hot Rug Muncher: Give her a chance. She’s probably better at it anyway.
You can nit pick these apart and get offended all you want, but I’m being 100% honest when I say that everyone chooses a path when they hit on you. It could be different for everybody, however that person wants to “read” you, or what they think will get you to put their dicks in your mouth, but it is always like this. Dudes should learn to take aspects from each category but not fully commit. I’m interested and turned on just thinking about it. Like if a Power Ranger Megazord hit on me or something. And bids, fuck! Don’t be so dumb as bricks and fall for fucking everything. Get a back bone or get boned. That is all.
10/10 bids wish I tagged real names and pictures for each of the above examples.
*10/10 dudes are thrilled I did not.
