I Wish The Rotary Would Turn Into A Giant Whirlpool, Sucking All The Tourists Up

I’ve had a few requests to write post dealing with tourists. Lucky for us in Mass, we are constantly immersed in the culture of so0o0o0o0o0o0o many WONDERFUL fucking retards, especially in the summer months. I’m unsure as to why these people visit the places they do or why they’re such fucking idiots when they visit, but its time to put an end to this now.

When I go on vacation, I like to hop on a plane and go as far south as my wallet will take me. I’m convinced I was switched at birth by some family who lives in a tropical oasis far away from the shitty North East. I want palm trees, sun, sand, umbrella drinks and to be tan all the time. I think I would be less of a miserable cunt if I could play that game but for now, I’ll live here and vent on the internet. ANYWAY...I don’t really see why a vacation for anyone would involve visiting Massivetwoshits. We drive like shit because our roads are always under construction, we’re rude because its cold here 8 months out of the year and happy hour is illegal, we have an accent that makes people think we have down syndrome, and to top it all off NO ONE IN THE REST OF THE COUNTRY LIKES US. If I’m taking a vacation, it will involve a plane or a very long road trip far away from this arctic asshole valley.    So that being said, if anyone can let me know why it is people come here, feel free to do so.

There are two primary places in Mass that people choose to go to: Boston and the Cape. We’ll start with Boston. Now anyone who says they go to Boston to be on the water has to be from Iowa and have never seen an ocean before in their lives. Salt water to them is like the fountain of youth, even if it smells like Nicaraguan sewage and egg salad sandwiches. I think that they come to Boston with the intent of swimming and only realize that they can’t after witnessing other tourists come out of the harbor missing limbs and an extra vagina on their elbow (on the non-missing limb of course). OK, so they realize that they can’t swim. So instead they choose to roam around the city and photograph EVERYTHING. Take pictures of the streetlights, and the buildings, and the historical sights, and all the gorgeous T stops we have scattered throughout the city. I think that they’re amazed that we’re still using on the same trains that people would take to go see a Boston Braves game. It’s Boston you touristy fucks. If we put in bullet trains, not only would people from Mattapan get confused but the city of Boston would crumble under the pressure of said train thanks to the fact that the corruption of the Big Dig allowed buildings and tunnels and roadways to be built on top of a milk crate. But my point is that people have work, people still need trains and cabs and the sidewalk to get to places. We’re not all on vacation land. Not everyone is running to catch the nearest Duck Boat. We have places to be and you standing in the middle of the sidewalk trying to get the perfect shot of a lone cloud over the fading sun behind the John Handcock building need to shove off. Go to Allston for that shit.

The other place people travel is the Cape. Just an FYI, there are like 3 main roads. So no matter what, the people that live there year round, HATE YOU because traffic is bad enough when tourists aren’t there. I will say this though. There is a test for people coming on the Cape (and yes, it is ON the Cape, you don’t fucking tell people “Yeah bro, I’m in the Cape right now!” because then girls know to use you for drinks). Anyway, the test is simple. If you take the Sagamore Bridge (typical for people driving down 93), they make you drive past a Dunks and a Mickey D’s as you go over the bridge and instantly throw you on the highway, preventing you for stopping for food. If you don’t give up and turn around, I guess you can take your few days off. If you take the Bourne Bridge (typical for people driving down 495), you get something called a rotary. The way one goes around the rotary is by driving. It looks terrifying if you’ve never been on one, but it’s the most ideal piece of a road ever constructed. If everyone just drives, no one has to stop or let others on. Everyone can just be on their way. YOU DO NOT FUCKING STOP, BREAK OR ASK FOR DIRECTIONS ON THE ROTARY. IF YOU MISS YOUR TURN, LUCKILY FOR YOU, YOU PROBABLY JUST MISSED IT AGAIN FOR THE SECOND TIME. People struggle with this and the Cape just keeps adding them all over the place. It’s hilarious. It’s obvious that tourists come to the Cape for the ocean and that preppy lifestyle that the Kennedy’s made famous. On one side of the Cape, the beaches are freezing cold and rocky. On the other side, they’re filled with sea weed and there’s no where to really sit because the ocean is eating the beach. Pick your poison. Oh, and to get to the Kennedy Compound? Yeah, that’s in Hyannis where everyone believes that they’re in a Cam’ron video circa 2003. You’ll get shot or robbed by someone in stunna shades and a white tee who probably sells pot out of their mom’s basement and raps over 2Pac beats. Enjoy!

Everyone deserves a vacation, but please don’t slam on your breaks or leave your blinker on or stand in front of wherever I’m trying to go just because you think you’re helping the economy of my home. Don’t be so damn naive about where you visit. Bring a map, do some research, and don’t get offended when people make fun of you for taking pictures of seagulls. They’re not majestic sea birds. They would eat your hat if it smelled like dog shit. Buy a plane ticket somewhere else next time.

*1/10 United States citizens do not know that Hawaii is a state. They believe it is it’s own country. (True Fact).