Your Dick Is Really Just A Cover Up For A Big Fat Vagina

If anyone, man or woman, ever said this to me, I would probably punch them so hard that my fist would come out of their ass. Unicorns are not even that gay. And I understand that “every” girl wants some prince charming fuck to come sweep her off her feet and paint her house white with blue shutters or draw her like a French girl or whatever the fuck bids want these days, but I have to set the line somewhere. I am absolutely convinced that guys are bigger pussies than girls.

“Meh. I’m a guy a like beer and naked girls and explosions and shit.” First of all, you have no idea how many guys I have run into that don’t like those things. And I’m not here to say “well gay guys this and straight guys that”. No. I’m talking about your fucking stereotypical American male who just happens to not like drinking copious amounts of booze or going to the titty bar and would rather garden then blow up fireworks. And that’s fine. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. But when I hear these kinds of guys talking about psycho girls that are obsessed with marriage and Alanis Morrisette and their periods, it makes me want to laugh uncontrollably. Ok bro, so let me get this straight. I spent 6 hours last night throwing bills at strippers and ripping donuts in the parking lot shooting pedestrians with my BB gun that I purchased at KMart, and I’m the one obsessed with cutting out pictures in Good Housekeeping of my perfect life? Let me know how your basil garden turns out. That purple sun hat really brings out your eyes.

Here it goes. A guy is in a relationship with a girl. They’re normal. They’re not swingers or into bondage or anything cool like that. The girl has a problem with something the guy did. Probably an honest miscommunication because girls overreact over everything and guys are dumb as fuck. She brings it up to him and a huge fight ensues. Probably something along the lines of “Well you know what Jimmy, I didn’t really like that you went out to dinner with your ex last night”. Guy tells her to get off her period, nothing is going on, and my personal favorite, STOP BEING A PSYCHO. End scene. Move onto a couple weeks later. The girl goes to a party with one of her exes. Guy has a fucking meltdown. “CHRISTINA’S A WHORE MER MEH MER MEH.” Tells her he’s breaking up with her because she’s cheating on him and is never around and looks at him differently then her ex. You know…THAT look. End scene. You already know what I’m going to say here. Wahhhh. Let’s all fucking cry because my penis feels threatened by another dude even though I have 856 friends that are girls that I hang out with on a regular basis and never invite my girlfriend to hang out with. And the whole relationship is like that. Guys get pissed when you don’t do nice things for them but “don’t quite understand” when their girlfriends get mad that all they ever want to do is stay home. Can you please just admit that you fucking care, and that you’re a big fat pussy, and that you’re super annoying, and that I’m thrilled that this bitch is stuck with you and I’m not?

The sex takes the cake. I have had loving, romantic sex once in my life. And it was adorable and enjoyable and I will never forget it, mostly because it was so out of character for my ex and I. However, there is nothing I enjoy more in bed then being treated like a dirty hooker. I don’t want you to kiss me on the mouth. I don’t want you to hold me. I don’t want you whisper sweet nothings in my ear. I want you to pretend that you really do think with your dick for once and have you way with me. And after? Do you know how many men get offended when I kick them out? Excuse me. I’m sorry. It’s not 1962. I haven’t been home all day doing the dishes. I have shit to do. I don’t want to hear about your day or your problems or your anything about you. I called you because you have a dick, and I do not. I have enough girlfriends to tell me about their day and their problems, and perhaps you should get one of those to handle yours. But the things guys say and do when they don’t think anyone else knows is great. I mean, what girl doesn’t like attention? Constant texting and calling and “baby’s” and “I miss you’s” and pictures and updates. Jesus, I feel like a proud Grandma. But it makes me wonder. I understand that girls are lunatics and crazy people, but are we really the biggest pussies in the relationship? I’m not sure. Do guys do it because they think that we want it? Or do guys do it to get a reaction from us? I’m still not entirely sure. I don’t even think that they know. “Dude, I feel so cute doing this I’m pretty sure my dick just split off into the lips of a vagina”. (Not to be confused with Hinder’s “Lips of an Angel”, though that song is equally vagina-y.)

I guess what I’m trying to say here is that guy’s talk so much bullshit. They want to nitpick at girls that catch feelings and they want to play things off like they’re big, tough men who only need beer and blowjobs to survive, fuck bitches get money and whatever other retarded ass circa 2004 shit they happen to be on. But when it comes down to it, who are the people catching feelings and getting angry when that’s not what the girl wants? THEM. And I’ve had dudes get plain angry. Like, it’s my choice. Yeah chachi, I went to the fucking store and left empty handed, even though I needed all of these groceries. It’s not my fault that Stop & Shop was only carrying crunchy hippie bullshit, rainbow cupcakes and red drank and I needed some real food. I’m sick of getting blamed for when I  don’t want somebody or a “typical” relationship. I think so many bids out there are settling for a certain type of scenario because they’re paranoid. They’re terrified of their friends all getting wifed up and them being left alone. My take on it is that if you pick the right friends, guys or girls, they’ll be there to help you out whether they’re in a relationship or not. Those are the people you should have in your life, rather than be out there, searching for some dude that won’t necessarily help you and is probably A FUCKING VAJAY.

0/10 dudes understand the term “fuck buddy”.
*10/10 bids that say they want a fuck buddy, actually want a relationship.