Let's Put The Book Down And Have Real People Sex.

Everyone that I know is reading this fucking book. From what I’m told, its like 700 pages or something outlandish. Blowing Harry Potter out of the fucking water. Putting Lord of the Rings to shame. JK Rowling will be slaving away for years about Qudditch and Voldemort and the mysterious source of the ticking and this chick writes a porn soap opera novel with British accents. It’s like all of a sudden people are in tune with their sexuality and doing it and erotic shit. When the dick did this happen? Shit’s retarded.

OK, just to clarify, I refuse to read this shit. “Ohhhh, well Kerry, you just must not be that sexual of a being”. Bitch please. I could write a comic strip that could get people off in three boxes, not a fucking 700 page novel about fuckery. That’s what? Like 15 pages just describing someone’s junk? My goodness. I don’t even want to see it in the dark when it’s inside me, never mind being written out in every veiny detail. I’m sorry, but no man is attractive in bed. Dudes hulk around and pretend to be The Bounty Man or some shit when its really just like “Can we please just get this going so I can forget how much of a fucking goon you look like?” Plus, the look on your faces when you cum is priceless and it just makes me want to gallivant around the public place we’re doing in it, I mean your bedroom, and laugh hysterically, which I typically do anyway. I’m not sure how in depth these descriptions are but there are things I block out in real life that I sure as shit don’t want to read about later on. Let’s just keep the music loud, the tequila flowing, and don’t forget to WD-40 those hand cuffs.

Now that we’ve gotten over that hump, and by hump, I mean your obnoxious dick thrusting into my back at 5 am, I’ve gotta ask. ARE THERE PICTURES IN THIS BOOK? I don’t believe so. I feel like I would’ve been more likely to get into this. OK, so there are no pictures. So a written book, with no pictures, about sex. I’m usually an advocate for reading the book before seeing the movie, because its a zillion times better, but I’m pretty sure that porn came out before this fucking erotica book nonsense. All these biddies reading this book about doing it and have never even watched ONE porno. “Um, Kerry. I’ve totally watched porn. And it was totally awesome”. I’m not sure which frustrates me more – the fact that these biddies truly believe that their weekly True Blood fix is porn, or that they HATE when their boyfriends watch real porn without them. So the fact that you fingerblasted yourself six times yesterday to a fucking book makes it OK, but not the fact that your boyfriend downloaded C-list porn and beat his dick and came into your bathrobe? Granted, it sucks about your bathrobe, but do you see what I’m getting at? I won’t get into the fucked up shit that gets me off, but fuck! Watch a porno with your boyfriend. It’s fucking awesome. What do I care if he’s watching some blonde bitch get double penetrated and blowing a woman load on some red head? He’s fucking me now, and he’ll be making me breakfast tomorrow. And I’ve already asked for breakfast pizza so I win.

I’m also curious as to the physical descriptions of the characters. I’m a fucking fox.The slut author should’ve described me, but probably make me less of a crazy person and post boob job op. But my point here is that how attractive do you think these people are in the book? Like, its not Megan Fox and Channing Tatum going at it like rabbits. From the Amazon description, it’s a “literature student” and a “young, entrepreneur”. I picture my high school English teacher and the drug dealer that lives next door. I’m sorry, but let’s be realistic here. You biddies are leaving wet spots behind to the soundtrack of To Kill A Mockingbird and the concept of selling one’s birth control pills as Ecstasy. It’s a fairy tale, and what’s going to happen when the books run out and you have to go back to having non-fantasy sex? I guess you biddies will be ready to settle for an English teacher.

I understand people have needs and enjoy to play alone sometimes but honestly, why pretend like you’re reading this book because it’s SUCH a good story? I like to think of my vagina as being in someone’s mouth, not being the strong, leading protagonist of a Stephen King novel. It’s nice to see people reading, because I love a good book and I love writing and I think that both things are becoming a lost art (possibly due to this blog). But at the same time, a 700 page book about doing it? I could do it 700 times in the course it takes me to read that book, and that sure as shit works a lot better for me.

*8/10 people would be more likely to read 50 Shades of Gray if it was a Choose Your Own Adventure.