I Strongly Dislike You, But You Bet Your Bottom Dollar I'm Keeping You On Facebook Orphan Annie
We all do it. Everyone has one person that they keep around just for the pure, orgasmic enjoyment of watching their life fail. Though it’s much better to watch it happen in the halls of your high school or that train wreck show up to Friday morning classes looking she got raped by a rocket powered sloth attached to a bulldozer, Facebook has really helped keep certain people in check post-school days. The best part about this post is that you’ll probably be stalking that person out right before you click on this shit. And who knows, maybe I’m that person to you. And if so, well then you’re already looking at my sexy mug on the internet.
Take this above family for example. The upside is that it actually appears like they’re all related. Fucking John Cena Tees and ICP arm tats and red neck tanktops and the preggo biddie with her Mobil On The Run lunch. Can’t quite tell if she’s actually bearing a gremlin or if its just all those slushies and corndog trips. Anyway, these are the kind of people I like to stalk. Am I perfect? Not even close. However, no matter how trashy you may think I am or what life choices you don’t agree with of mine, I got my shit together enough to get a degree and have a job. I’m not here to judge, but it gets old when the people I keep around on fbook are far worse off then I am, yet honestly believe that their life is Buzz Lightyears ahead of my fragile mind set. Snarky, pretentious fucks, and for what? Your split 3-way nationality baby, your “job” at Taco Bell, you’re fucking awesome bus pass, or the fact that the most expensive thing in your living room is a pill bottle? Pick one.
Easiest target to stalk out – people with kids. Now, no disrespect here to my friends out there that have well-behaved, adorable kids. GOOD PARENTS. I’m talking about the people that layer on the bullshit and cover my news feed with fucking baby mama/daddy drama and plaster their wall with trashy ass photos of them with their kids in next to nothing. First of all, these people are fucking talking to themselves. It’s pretty damn obvious that every song lyric, every misspelled rant about “him/her” (because it’s never officially stated who THEY are), and every in and out of a relationship change is about the same person. The fucking douchebag who knocked you up or the stupid bitch that lied to you and say she was on the pill. You really think that people care? Fuck no we don’t. We keep you under our friends list because I wake up everyday and watch your shitty life get shittier and watch you do nothing to fix it. I don’t have kids; I don’t presently want any. I know its tough. I WAS MISTAKE! But really? You think our parents hopped onto fucking facebook posting depressing ass Ashanti youtube videos and bitching and moaning? No. They fucking worked hard to make it seem like that shit didn’t phase them. And really? Bids posing with their kids on webcams dressed like hookers or dudes in their parent’s basements with fucking black light weed leaf posters and all this shit like your kid is a fucking fashion statement. The whole DSS situation is fucked up and I’d never wish for any kids to get put in that system but honestly, it sickens me to think that some people out who didn’t quite fall into Darwin’s Survival of the Fittest are out there are raising children.
Type of person number two – the people with “jobs”. Now, when I say job, I in no way, shape or form, mean you sit in an office everyday. That’s not even necessarily a job. I consider people with jobs as people that work their ass off for a living. Selling drugs is not a job. Working 15 hours a week is not a job. Getting paid under the table by your parent’s business is not a job. Motherfuckers write and write and write and bitch and go on about their “jobs”. You’re lucky that it’s the norm for kids to live with their parents and not work at all because honestly, I don’t know anybody’s parents who didn’t either get married and stay home with the kids, get a job, go to college, or some combination of those three. What gives you the right to not do anything, burden your parents with your bullshit and then have the nerve to write on facebook or twatter or fucking whatever that you had such a LOOOOOONNNNGGG day at the mall arcade where you worked from 12-3pm? The way these assholes go on with it, it’s like they were picking cotton from 5 am until 5 pm and then went to the saw mill after to grind oats to feed the town’s high demand for fresh baked bread. And there there are the people who just don’t work at all. They still have their last job circa 2008 listed as their employment but just sit around all day and smoke weed and let their parents make them breakfast. Why do you even fucking have internet? There should be some sort of “you must be this interesting to use the internet” law. What the fuck do you have to talk about? Maury? Your blankets? A headache? Shut the fuck up.
Person number three – pure trash. I’ll admit it. I’m trashy. Suck my nuts. But there are some people that just go hamNcheese with the retarded shit they post. Whether it’s writing bible passages about your list of things you have to do that day, spelling like English is your sixth language, or inviting the police to raid your home because of your constant posts about the drugs you sell, there are some things that no one gives a fuck about. The only people who comment or say shit on any of those posts are either family members or people that are equally as pathetic and comment with a “call mee!!!!!”. Just shut the fuck up.
Finally, person number four – the social media whore. Fuckin’ hashtags and instagram and statuses and check ins and tumblr posts and holy fuck your facebook is overwhelming. Like I’m surprised you’re not linking your myspace to that shit. Just chill. You’re not a Kardashian. No one gives a fuck how savy you are with this bullshit. In fact, its sad. It’s like no one in the world cares about you as a person, you’re just entertaining as fuck in terms of the train wreck you just drove into a nuclear waste plant. Over the course of the last 3 hours, you instagramed a picture of an old Toyota Tacoma with the tags #YO #ToyStoryShiz #WhiteTrashBeautful, uploaded 7 pictures of you with your dog that looks pissed it’s stuck as your fucking dog, tagged your boyfriend with you at Hess, Mickey D’s, Dunks, and his mom’s house, and proceeded to bitch about how bored you are and how no one wants to be your friend and you’re not sure of what do anymore because you don’t go out or drink or fucking whatever. I LOVE YOU AND YOUR PATHETIC LIFE. I WILL NEVER DELETE YOU BECAUSE I MEASURE THE SHITTIEST DAY I’M HAVING BY YOUR BEST.
I didn’t write all this to be a bitch. I’m just here to state the obvious. EVERYBODY has someone like this on their facebook. Maybe you fall under one or more of these categories, but lezzbehonest, YOU STILL HAVE SOMEONE WORSE OFF THAN YOU. And you keep said person under your friends list because you like waking up everyday knowing that are fully incapable of beating you at life. Lesson learned here though – if you don’t like where your life is at, change it! Don’t bitch via the internet and expect people to give a crusty dick about it.
*4/10 people have me listed under “People I Keep Around Strictly For Entertainment Sake”. They’re waiting for this blog to run its course so I can be deleted.
