New Disease Alert: FuckMyFuckingPerioditis
Dude, this period I have now is fucking hellish. Guys, just stop reading now. I’m angry and fucking bleedy so it’s best that you just look away until this runs it’s course in another day or two and then you can go back to fantasizing about me naked in your bed. “But Kerry, you don’t want to elaborate anymore?” Is there honestly a need? This shit has to be said.
First of all, not only am I bleeding out of my vagina, which is fucking shitty, but my period seems to turn all things into life into shit as well. Like honestly, all I want to do on my period is get it in. Granted, I understand that’s a normal situation for me. But in this case, there is a fucking cotton ball and some string where there should be a dick. That’s problem number one. Problem number two is that most people aren’t really looking to finish the night off by looking like they spent it wrestling around in the Hunt’s Ketchup Factory. Personally, I wouldn’t mind it. Some of the best memories I have are doing it on my period. And if you’re sitting here and saying how disgusting that is, well you’ve either never been in a military relationship or in jail. Or, you’re a guy still reading this and have never been in either but also haven’t seen a real live vagina in four years and would like to pretend that you get it on the reg. Let me speak my peace.
I often hear people complain that there is too much advertising at kids. I agree with that; I think that kids are victims in this situation and we shouldn’t be raising little commercial corporate hellions. Now, my question is, what about us fucking biddies on our periods and just want to fucking eat all of the time? What about us? Where are the political groups to save us from the KFC ads and the Chex Mix ads and the fucking hostess cupcake Flipz salted shit sammiches I see advertised all the time. Where are all the websites and foundations and petitions to prevent me from eating food I don’t even want or like just because my stupid ovaries are reminding me that I’m lucky enough to not have a gremlin growing inside me yet still potentially run the risk of having that be a possibility. Fuck dieting if you’re a girl. You go three weeks out of the months drinking broccoli and water milkshakes for every meal and then next thing you know, a bloody vagina, and along with it, some sort of lava cake Taco Bell filet drizzled in peanut butter sauce and buttered popcorn. I would actually eat that right now. Yeah, good luck with your fucking salad. Maybe if it was Snicker’s Bar Mac & Cheese salad I would believe you.
Dudes always make fun of cramps too. Like you fucking know what this is like. It feels like you’ve been on top of this guy who just won’t finish for 6 hours straight and you swallowed barbed wire covered in tar and also happen to have a Charlie Horse in your intestines. And you know the worst part? Working out makes these cramps go away. The problem here is that you’re too fucking exhausted all the damn time that you don’t even want to move. When that skank Eve was talking to the damn snake in the Bible, she could’ve taken a step back and thought for a second “Gee, what are the potential risks in going against God and talking to this apple tree serpent?” Who the hell accepts fresh fruit from an animal that hisses and talks shit about God ? There’s your warning sign. Anyway, thanks to her (and she probably only lived to be 25 as all people did in those times), now I’m stuck dealing with all this shit because she couldn’t just ask God for some goshdamn fucking apple seeds. Selfish.
I’m not sorry that this is a perverse post. I feel like shit and I don’t care. Be nicer to your fuck buddy or girlfriend guys. It’s shitty ok? It’s really shitty.
*8/10 guys still read this whole thing without flinching or vomiting, and potentially getting off
