Girls And Beer...I Dunno, Do You?
I’m ready for a beer. I love beer. And it blows my mind when bids don’t. I’m 22 years old and I STILL to this day hear (insert obnoxious biddie cheerleady whiny voice) “Oh, I don’t like beer”. You don’t like beer? You would’ve failed miserable as a medieval maid wench then. Here we go.
Ok…why don’t you like beer? “Eye Dee Kay. It’s just gross”. It’s gross…There’s about 500 different kinds of beer, each one being a flavorful punch to the teeth. It’s like if you could drink that magical gum from Willy Wonka that filled you up like a meal, tasted pretty fucking good, and also got you drunk. Why wouldn’t you want to drink that? That sounds like a cure all remedy for life’s pile of bullshit and I want in on that.
“Ohhh, well the carbonation makes me bloated”. Ok. So the 30 rack of diet cokes sitting in your pantry…those make you feel…ready to go up and run a marathon? Lucky for you, it happened a few weeks ago so you have PLENTY of time to down 6 a day to prepare. Good luck. I’ll be on the sideline cheering you on with a sign reading “You should’ve had a beer” and a full medical staff ready to go when you collapse from Aspartame poisoning.” But ok, that’s fine. Maybe you don’t drink soda. Maybe you’re the kind of girl that goes out, and drinks an easy fruityfucker drink and you go home drunk, un-bloated and happy as clam. My question to you is…how big was the shit you just took after going home after the bar and eating a triple-decker colossal mac and cheese cold pepper and onion pizza chinese chicken finger cake frosting cream cheese bagel spaghetti buffalo chicken calzone soooooprise? Because personally I would probably eat that and shit would come out of my ears. But if you’re going to sit back and tell me that you don’t drink beer because it makes you bloated, well then perhaps I should hop onto your Southwest Beach Diet to regulate my digestive track.
“Wahhh, it makes me fat”. 1 beer = 100-150 calories roughly. 1 SHOT of vodka = 100 calories, plus the 2 servings of cranberry juice it takes you’re “experienced” ass to gag it down = 2 × 150. Now, math has never been my strong suit. But by my deductive reasoning and multiple lab tests in my LABWHORRRRRATORY, that adds up to 400 calories. And I believe I could’ve had 4 beers for that cost. “Oh, well I mean that the carbs make me fat”. I’m not sure if anyone has alerted you to this yet, but Taco Bell is considered carbs. I also don’t know if you’re aware but your body recognizes fast carbs, like those found in beer, and sugars, like those found in your vodka cran, and says “Oh shit, I can use these for energy”. However, your lazy ass has been chillen on fbook all day stalking your ex’s new girlfriend and you didn’t move. So then your body says “Oh shit, this bitch isn’t getting off her fat ass today. Magical Geenie Snap Instant fat pouch without a kangaroo baby”. Beer doesn’t make you fat, drinking makes you fat.
“Beer is so manly. I want guys to hit on me”. Why would any guy give a fucking flying swizzlestick about your drink of choice? First of all, beer is dirt cheap. $1 draft nights. Bars basically throw that shit at you. Like unwanted Asian girl babies. If a guy’s buying you a drink, I’m almost positive that he really doesn’t want to buy you a Moet Mimosa. Unless he’s a baller aka lives at home with his mom. Secondly, if you’re hammahdrunk, stumbling across the dance floor, I’m pretty sure that your vulnerable vagina is a little higher on his to-do list then criticizing your Coors Lite. Because you know, when you were drinking caffeinated Chernobyl sludge aka 4 Loko and tasting like a carburetor filled with lighter fluid, that was REAL fucking sexy.
For ChristOnACross sake, try a beer bids. I’ve gotten many girls over the years to open up to it. It takes a few swigs to adjust to, but once you get used to it, it’s like a whole new world. Call up Aladdin and Princess Jasmine because you just won a trip on a magic carpet ride. Don’t fucking judge beer or assume you won’t like it. And if you tried a heavier or a lite beer your first time, mix it up. Try a different kind and maybe you’ll find your niche.
*4/10 people didn’t know that a kangaroo’s offspring is referred to as a Joey. Of course it fucking is.
