I Wouldn't Marry You If You Were The Last Person On Earth, Oh Wait, I Am
Perhaps I’m exaggerating by saying that all my friends are married, but ALL MY FRIENDS ARE FUCKING MARRIED. Well, all my friends other than the like top 5 I talk to on a regular basis. There may or may not be a slight correlation. And also the fact that I spray myself with dog shit-scented perfume to scare away potential suitors. Truth be told, I’m over the whole idea, but let’s discuss it anyway.
It’s come to the point where I don’t even look at facebook nearly as much as I used to. I’ve cut back from 300 times a day to a cool 150 because it’s just bullshit pictures now that fbook owns instagram and also the fact that out of all those pictures, at least 2 a week are of engagement rings. Does facebook also own the Home Shopping Network as well? Did my dreams of it raining super market trinket machine rings finally come true? No. No I don’t believe so. So why is there a plague of “happiness” surrounding my immediate friend group (not trying to brag, but I have 1,016 facebook friends, which will go down drastically after this post goes up, as it usually does because people hate the shit that comes out of my mouth, both my words, and the fact that I spit when I talk)?
I’m pretty sure that the world has hopped into a fucking time machine machine where it was norm to be 16 and married with 8 kids. “Jinkies Kerry! You really think that’s the case?!” Yes, yes I fucking do. I don’t know why else this would be happening. Everyone has hopped into a time machine back to Plymouth Plantation and marrying your 12 year old cousin is totally cool. I’m 22 years old and I already am on a first name basis with my local cat shelter. Conveniently, I’m already allergic to all spring time things and look like I’m high as fucking Janis Joplin’s face on a kite all the time and this won’t be issue. Perhaps it was fate. I’m planning my life out as a cougar.
It’s not even cool to be getting married anymore. It’s not surprising. WOW A YOUNG MARRIAGE. Pretty sure every fucking biddie show on TV has one built in. Fucking prom is like a Mormon ball now. Everybody’s married and boring and talking about bunt cakes and floral arrangements. What happened to being crazy and experimental? What happened to having a “WTF HAPPENED?” weekend. I’m not saying go out and have sex with 6 people in a weekend and shoot up black tar heroin at the dinner table, but for St. Clementine’s sake, go out and drink underage and dance on top of pool tables and lie to someone of the opposite sex to get it in. That’s AOK to do when you’re “dumb and stupid and don’t know any better”. I’m still using that one. I’ve had 1100 “first” beers in the last month. It’s always my 21st birthday and I’ve never done this before. Get used to it.
And last time I checked, it’s fucking retarded to have your goshdamn facebook marital status set to fucking “engaged” for the past two years. Like really? How’s that wedding coming along? You book a place yet? People just toss that shit around like its a 6 pack of Natty Lite. I understand that rings are fucking expensive as shit…I get that. I was PATIENTLY waiting for mine for years. But let’s be realistic here. Being engaged for years is almost worse than being in a relationship with someone for years without any move to take it a step further. That’s like choosing between watching PBS all the time or ABC Family getting stuck and only showing commercials for Harry Potter Weekend AND NEVER ACTUALLY SHOW ANY MOVIE.
I was supposed to elope at 17 and run away and have this awesome life and this awesome fairy tale story with the love of my life and honestly, I’m fucking thrilled that didn’t happen. My life would be so different and uncool. I’d be living in some military town somewhere at 22 years old with my only other friends being married people. And there’s nothing wrong with being married, but people forget that you’re still so impressionable when you’re young and that being in a relationship with a person almost molds you into them. It’s kind of scary. I wouldn’t be Kerry. It doesn’t hurt any less but I tell myself that when I find that some other slut I graduated with tied the knot with some meth head who works at KMart. She’s definitely not pregnant.
*Mankind/10 is blown away that someone wanted to marry me. Me too people, me too.
