Ex Boyfriends Are Worse Than Mouth Herpes
It seems that lately, the bids and I are swimming in a disgusting sewage swamp of on again, off again ex boyfriend filth. I’m not sure where this plague was in the Bible or why it’s happening now but it’s beginning to get really out of hand. I’m sorry to get all Crypt Keeper, urhm excuse me, I mean Carrie Bradshaw on my blog here, but I need to get all this shit out before I vomit everywhere. This is more of a vent rather than a rant. And if you don’t know the difference, you should’ve read more and spark noted less in high school English class.
For myself personally, my mysterious ex-boyfriend that is the driving force behind why I began ranting, is like a Sour Patch Kid, like in the commercials. He can be so sweet, it sickens me. There was a time in our relationship where I loved him so much it hurt to breathe. I was physically in pain I loved him so much. I would lay in bed next to him and cry myself to sleep because I was so thankful and happy that I had someone like him. But then of course, the sour side. He has a nasty side that comes out when he wants to get a point across, a very mean, cold-hearted side that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. The problem is that the sour side keeps me coming back for more. I like the taste of it. The whole Sid and Nancy thing, in more self-destructive ways I feel like discussing on my fun blog…well it’s addicting.
And is that what it is for everyone? I mean, why do all my friends currently have something going on with an ex that just won’t seem to go away. Why do we continue to respond, to reach out, continue to hope that things some day will change? Are we just afraid of the “what if”? Where is that person? How would my life be different if this fight didn’t happen, or that wasn’t said, or in my case, if I had moved 400 miles away? I was having a conversation the other day with my ex and he honestly said to me “I don’t know why you still continue to talk to me. I’m an awful person that’s done a lot of shitty things to you.” And that’s a very good question. Because to be honest, even after saying that to me, I’m still wondering where he is and what he’s doing and why he’s not responding to me. Not because I care who he’s with or what he’s actually doing (our relationship is very laid back) but just because I hope he’s OK and his voice helps me feel better. I know all my bids can agree when they say that their relationships with these people they’re regrettably still talking to is beyond repair. Deep down, we all know. But we hope. We hope that someday things will just work. The slate will be wiped clean and we can go back to the fairy tale. Kind of like what they show heaven to be like on TV. Where you’re just covered in white light and you can have a re-do in a controlled environment with none of the bullshit that made us ruin the relationship in the first place.
I made sure throughout my life that this person would remain my only ex. The trust issues I have for people are far worse than most people’s and so I guaranteed myself independence and the ability to not get hurt. Looking back on things, what did I lose by doing this? I honestly don’t want to know. I think that by preventing myself from getting hurt, I hurt myself more. It scares me, because over the years, my friends slowly all lost their nievity. They’re all on my playing field now. And I think that’s why we hold onto our ex’s. It’s like a little piece of that belief that true love and marriage and a happy ending are all coming our way. Why can’t there be other story book endings? Why do we regurgitate a picture in our minds and a fairy tale that we read in a Nicholas Sparks novel or saw in Disney Movie. Is it impossible to find happiness in a different scenario?
And guys, I get it. It’s like a fucking death wish to talk to a girl with an ex fiance or an ex boyfriend of many years. You know she’s fucked in the head. Like a stray dog you wish you just left at the pound or something. But it doesn’t make us feel any better when you poke and prod about why it didn’t work out because of their job, or where they lived, or what they looked like or whatever. Now you’ve just gotten a drink thrown on you. What makes you a better person than them? Because when it fucking comes down to it, YOU’RE NOT THEM. So show me then, why I should sit at the bar and have a conversation with you. Because as of now, you’re just a dick, and I’ve got lots of those on speed dial on facebook if that’s all this is going to be. So just don’t be that fucking bro. Please.
Bids, you can only fight so much. And you should always fight for what you love. But never lose sight of yourself. Never find all happiness in a man. Find consolation in yourself and work outward, regardless of what that may mean. Compliments and sex are easy and cheap, but if you don’t learn to make yourself happy, how can a random person that you have yet to meet do that any better or wholeheartedly for you? And if you’re more like me, learn to let people in. Not all people are out to hurt you. The ones we care about most do because we care so much about their thoughts and actions. But generally speaking, I don’t think that all people are that malicious. At least, I hope not anyway.
*10/10 people are fucking pissed that I actually wrote something honest and emotional and believe me to be bleeding profusely out of my vag. Until next time kids.
