Come Look At This Awesome Shit I Took!
Happy fucking birthday to me. I’m awesome. I had a request the other day by my good friend @TomSpencer to write about how grimy and annoying it is when people don’t flush toilets out in public. I could not agree more. It’s fucking disgusting. And I’m sure you’ve seen it, and or done it, actually I’m almost positive you’ve done it because it seems to be very common in the public places I go to. Then again, the public places I go to are typically dive bars and Taco Bell. Taco Bell makes sense actually. Anyway, here we go.
My first question is…do you people do this shit at home? Like trying to cut back on the water bill that bad that you just let piss and shit pile up in your home bathroom until you NEED to flush? Solid idea family. Do people even pay water bills anymore? In all seriousness, how does this trend even fucking start? That’s what I’m trying to figure out. “Mommy, I took a poop! Now what?” Good question son. Now, this might just be me, but I’d tell my brat to flush his shit no matter how big it is. Take a picture if need be, if you’re THAT proud, and hang it on the fridge next to his hand turkey, but LEARN TO FLUSH THE TOILET. But I have a sinking feeling that people are telling their kids “That’s awesome, leave it there. I love how the Fresh Rain Yankee Candle mixes with the small of rancid shit and ammonia. Yesterday’s corn on the cob looks great too”. I don’t know who these families are, but it must be some family tradition that someone started. Whatever it is, it’s disgusting.
If it’s at home, that’s your own business. As grimy as it is, that’s your choice as an American. We don’t live in Korea and have the military busting in and telling you to flush the toilet. Do they allow indoor plumbing in North Korea yet? Anyway, when you’re out in public, PUBLIC being the key word, that means that other people must also endure your lack of flushing. Do you forget or something? Does your Alzheimer’s kick in as soon as your pee stream stops? If you forget to take your birth control, you’re only screwing yourself and your vagina over, but if you don’t flush the toilet, then you start fucking with my life. Maybe it’s just people being impressed and want to show off how yellow their piss is or how big their shit is. I flush the toilet because my piss fucking smells like Jose Cuervo. That’s common courtesy. I’m not proud of that. The sad thing though is that 9/10 times, people only don’t flush the toilet when their ass explodes in it. Like really? Not even like a normal pee. Oh, no, go big or go home. Did you just shit out Chernobyl? I’ve seen some disgusting stuff come out of me, but these people are bad. Like what the fuck did you even eat? Raw seafood and pork left in the sun drizzled in Nacho Cheese and then fried up at a Popeye’s? Dude, your poor body. Your stomach probably needs a therapist. The gastroenterologist must be on speed dial next to the Pepto-Bismol HQ and Domino’s (guilty about Dom’s, had their number memorized in high school).
The biggest example I can think of though is living in the dorms at school. Now, I went to Umass and if you have to ask which one, you’re clearly pissed you went to one of the lesser-known ones. Woohoo, party! Yeah, shut the fuck up. ANYWAY. If you think about the shit people do in college, you can see why this is an issue. A day in the life of a Umass student consists of eating like shit for every meal – out, cafeteria food, whatever – drinking shitty fucking alchohol – Natty, Poland Springs, jungle juice whatever – tons of caffine, and lots of sex. Now picture that coming out of every orifice in someone’s body. Preferably a girl’s body because girl’s are fucking gross. The toilets in dorm bathrooms look like this. You’re lucky if you find one that only has period blood on it or man seamen. It’s so bad. And girls are gross. Like if you’re a dude that doesn’t think that girls poop, go to the nearest college and check ou the bathroom. It’s a scene out of Friday the 13th. Only more brown.
People please. For the sake of my sanity and stomach, flush the friggen toilet. It’s one move. Anyone can do it. Chuck Norris can probably do it with his dick. And if you can’t learn to flush the toilet without your mom reminding you – yes, I’m talking to you 34 year old man – then perhaps you should strut your pretty little ass down the Depends isle. If I was president, that would be law. The best part of this whole post is that I wrote it while eating dinner.
*6/10 people would move out of America if I was president and move to France where poop and pee is considered OK sexy talk.
