7 Tips On How To Be A Classy Ass Broad
Recently my homegirl @BriGalanto shared with me this particular blog post about How To Be a Lady. It appears as if the blog site itself is some sort of blonde facist propaganda and whatever other filth is posted to the internet these days, but regardless I decided to take this as an 8 ball to the corner pocket for team Classy Broad. Now, there’s nothing wrong with being a laaaaaady. People have tried to get me to hop on that priss ship before. I’ve never given 100%, or even 25% at it because I’ve realized that it really doesn’t matter to me. I am just one of the classiest o’ broads around and I enjoy being me. What’s a classy broad you say? Well, to put it bluntly, the exact opposite of a laaaaady. And you make think “oh well that sounds awful and people probably treat you like TRASH or worse…NON-MIDDLE CLASS”. Well yeah, you’re actually partially right. The upside is that I get to have 3209842371234723987 times more fun and I still get people begging to do me. So fuck you yuppies and especially you, Frieda FancyPants because these are 7 tips for how to be a classy ass broad.
1. DRESS LIKE AN ASSHOLE: Treat everyday like it’s Spring Break or you’re going to a Rave or it’s 1985. Think Avicii meets Bananarama meets nude beach. Bright colors, low cut, and as bold as need be to tell people “HEY YOU FUCKS! LOOK OVER HERE! I’M AWESOME!”. People appreciate that. It’s like a form of pea-cocking. Every classy broad knows what form of attire and accessories work best for them, it’s just a matter of making sure everyone else knows that their bullshit laaaaaady clothes from Lord & Taylor need to shut the fuck up. You can’t Pop, Lock, and Drop it in a Prada business suit, but you bet your ass you can in a $7 dress from Deb.
2. DRINK YOUR FACE OFF: I hate when guys come up to me at the bar like “ohhh, let me buy you a drink. You look like a (inset awful fruity drink that will coat my teeth with sugar cement and/or give me the runs the next day) kind of girl.” Per usual, this poor bastard set himself up. Actually, we’re about to throw back a couple shots of warm Jameson. I don’t even like Jameson, but if you’re a Classy Broad, you learn to chase with a Natty Lite. I remember I had to watch this documentary for some class I took about why girls try to out drink guys and the repercussions of that. Basically it said that Classy Broads are trying to out-do the male population to certify their place in the world. WRONG. Classy Broads drink because its made the bar and various other social gatherings fun the last 3 million times, so why stop now? And it’s rude to turn down a drink from what’s-his-face anyway.
3. FUCK A LITTLE BLACK BOOK, HAVE A BIG, BLACK... ENCYCLOPEDIA: I would NEVER condone sleeping around but I certainly don’t approve of waiting around for Mr. Right to get your rocks off either. I believe in the policy, fuck me once – shame on you, fuck you twice – shame on me. People always say that sleeping around is bad and whateverthefuckelse, but it’s like why? God invented sex fully knowing that people would enjoy it. He’s God, I’m pretty sure he knew the repercussions of creating such a fun physically activity, whether it’s to pro-create or not. Then there’s always the debate of condoms vs. birth control, because lezzbehonest, if you’re on one, you really don’t need the other. This guy looks legit. He said he didn’t have the clap anymore, I just met him, time for the no pants dance. As long as you get a nickname from him, it’s totally fine. Don’t worry about anything else. You probably don’t wanna know anyway.
4. DON’T LEAVE YOUR POTTY MOUTH IN A PUKE-FILLED TOILET: I can’t even begin to try and cut back swearing. I try not to curse in front of my family or little kids, but it still happens a lot. I think it emphasizes realness. What’s an F-Bomb between friends? To me, fuck is an adjective. It’s gotten to the point that usual swears don’t cover the full color spectrum of life and I’m forced to invent new ones ie what the tittieshit. People appreciate that and it’s always appropriate, especially when trying to make new friends.
5. BAD HABITS FER DAYS: Rip butts, spit ice cubes across the dance floor, burp after you chug a beer. Fuck it! Treat the world as Planet Fitness and embrace the judgment free zone. I hate to say it, but I avoid people with manners. This isn’t the Princess Diaries audition sugar tits. You’re in you’re early twenties and have years to become full-fledged librarian. Better get the bad habits out of your system before you have kids and have to tell them to stop said bad habits. Then again, don’t bad habits cause kids? Anyway, I’m convinced that the more you have, the more attractive you become. Shout out the the broad burping the Ninja Turtles Theme Song, pulling her booty shorts out of her ass who has yet to notice that her nipple fell out of her shirt sometime last week. Hate to say it, but she’s going to hit rock bottom after Lent when she can stop wearing underwear again.
6. MEET THE ANTI-CHRIST’S YOUNGER BROTHER, ANTI-POLITE: By anti-polite, I don’t mean rude. There’s no need to be a douche bag to people if they don’t deserve it. I just want to clarify that I only treat men like shit when they have it coming. Anti-polite is more like being normal. Don’t be an asshole to all people, but if someone says something sexist, rude, or stereotypical, I’ll return the favor. Do unto others as you want done to you. Jesus knew that one. He knew how to be anti-polite. Fucking assholes trying to collect taxes on Sunday? Shit’s going down, fires of hell. Jesus went all up in there knocking people’s tax collecting tables over and what not. He didn’t see a need to be polite to people being rude to the man upstairs. And you bet your ass that if you approach me in a public gathering place and ask to hook up, I’ll make your beer explode so it looks like you pissed your pants.
7. DO EVERYTHING BETTER THAN THE NEXT CHICK: Dance, sing, kerryokee, talk, look, walk, drink, smoke, piss, any and all things, do them better. And if you see someone else doing something better than you, pick something else to try. Biddies see you do something different then them and other people liking it, they try and do it, until before you know it, you find yourself in a bar room dance off. Hope you packed your case of humorous dance montages and popular hip-hop moves. The bid over there is blowing smoke rings, well hot damn, you better get some pink smoke to come out of the cigarette. Girl pees in the sink; use the urinal. MAN UP.
I don’t think this is the best route to go for just an evening. This is a lifetime commitment. Classy broads will pick out the fakes in no time. And then you’re fucked. And let me just clarify that Classy Broads don’t pull a stunt like this and then ask how their dress looks after ripping a shot of 1800. Stop being a little pussy. Don’t post pictures of it on facebook, don’t tweet about your dance off. This shit is a lifestyle choice. You’re so cool. You posted that awesome video of your swear rant. Biddies liked it. You’re an official classy broad. WRONG. Go the fuck back to your state school (UMASS COUGH COUGH) and only do that shit on the weekends and then spend all week laughing about it and hauling around your Vera Bradley with a picture of you at your Cape House and your license reading JEWTON, excuse me Newton, and oh my gosh be careful to avoid that dog shit in your pair of Sperry’s, just so you can do it all again and pretend that you’re so fucking bad ass. Shut the dick up. I hope I catch you in a mosh pit sometime singing ONE SONG. PS – Your dad’s a yuppie.
*7/10 biddies don’t know what a yuppie is.
