A Dick By Any Other Name Would Smell Just As Ewwy

No fresh melon amazon rain lilac fruit punch douche over here in aisle 11? Hm. Chris Brown will have to do I guess. Well, the way he’s been up Rihanna’s vag lately, it must be good. Warning: side effects include the fucking ass beating of your life. Sorry, I’ll stop the playful pop culture banter. Anyway, I had no idea what to write about today but I remembered I promised everyone I would go back to my previous post about names that dudes call girls. Well revenge is sweet motherfuckers. We’re going to flip the script. So here goes the top names that girls call guys. These are in no particular order because when have I ever done something so precisely?

1. ASSHOLE: Congratulations. She wants your dick in and around her mouth bro. “Oh, Johnny! You’re such an asshole. Teheeehehehehehehe weeeeeeeeeeeee!” Awkward arm punch. Girls love assholes. It means you’ve done everything right. Just enough asshole swag but still mysterious aka “sweet” enough to present the mirage that you could be hubby material, or at least a boyfriend for a month because some dumb ass broads are into that shit. I’d recommend cashing in your pokeNchoke chips now before she gets clingy and wants to date. Keep up this behavior to get laid.

2. DOUCHEBAG: Welp, you’re fucked. She hates you. And with good reason I bet. What’d you do man? Embarrass her? Make fun of her? Tell her that she had a small rack? That’s a zinger by the way. Never heard that before in my life. Well, the upside is that your boys probably laughed. You all had a little chuckle at the bar. Finished your beers, hell, maybe even bought another round to celebrate. In that case…why don’t you have a drink on me – the girl laughing at the look on your face you when you realize that you’ll be waking up to your boy’s dick in your back because you pissed off all the vaginas in the room. What can I get for you and your spoon? A Zima?

3. DICK: A dick is a lot like a douchebag, but not as bad. The best way I can explain it would be like a douchebag is something you might call a stranger or an ex-boyfriend. A dick is more so something you use on someone you love, but they said something they shouldn’t have. For example: Sarah says “What do you think of my new hair cut?”. Jason replies “You look great! It makes you look younger!”. This is not a nice compliment for a girl who still gets carded to see Rated R movies aka me. You might mean it nicely, or might not mean anything by it at all, or might not even be thinking when you say it, but it still hurts. And that’s all that matters. I unfortunately possess this quality too, and it sucks. I’ve hurt some good friends because I don’t think before I talk. Try working on your brain to mouth process. Dick isn’t a name that sticks. Unless there’s some sort of jizz involved. Then it sticks.

4. DUDE/BRO: Enter the friend zone. Not necessarily a bad thing. I mean, I’m a fucking lunatic. If I’m calling you dude, it’s probably for the best. You get me, just not my vagina. Which must really suck because I have a million dollar clam. An impeccably hairless clam at that bro. Actually, I call everyone dude and bro. I think that biddies call guys dude and bro to be more “in” with an all male crowd. Which is fucking retarded because I’m pretty sure its not attractive. Like smoking. Some people find that attractive, others find it repulsive. If she smokes, she pokes. And if she calls you bro, she’s a hoe. Well, currently, I’m at about 2 packs of dudes and bros a day (maybe 3 when I drink) and there is no slowing me down.

5. BABE: Girls love their pet names. You don’t have a first name anymore. You shall be my babe and do things for me that I can easily do myself. Pretty self-explanatory. It gets out of hand though. I’ll call you babe because we date and I love you and whatever fairy-tale nonsense such and such, but then it’ll get out of hand. You’re babe even when we’re fighting. “BABE! You fucking cheated on me and crashed my car into a mountain of hookers! ANNNNND you went to Dairy Queen without me!? What the fuck babe, I thought you fucking loved me!” This is a warning sign you’ve been together too long. You know what I’m talking about. You probably don’t even have a sex anymore. When was the last time your dick saw a blowjay? Hurricane Katrina? Ouch. Maybe you should take it easy for a while babe. You know babe…see other people. It might be good for you. Babe.

6. FAG: I’m sorry if this offends you. But it’s used quite a bit. Girls like this one for guys that either A. dipped out on them and embarrassed them, thus implying that he takes it up the pooper and wouldn’t actually hook up regardless or B. did something a little too feminine or cutesy for impressive-ness purposes, thus implying that he takes it up the pooper and wouldn’t know a vagina if it smelled like the Lobster Mart and slapped him in the face with it’s Roast Beef Curtains. “Like oh my gawddd, what a fag. He sang you a song he wrote you? AND PLAYED THE TAMBOURINE?” You officially went from being an asshole to a fag. Ironically, this typically follows the opposite pattern.

7. GUY: You officially made no impression, for better or for worse. You’re just some rando from the bar that bought me a drink and I left. Sucks to be you. You could be a hot guy, a weird guy, or just a guy, it doesn’t matter. I’ll tell my friends that I met a guy at a bar and that’ll be that. Actually, stop that. They already know I met a guy at the bar or 6. And probably told them all off. Avoid being just a guy. Because that’s worse than being a douchefag.

8. MANWHORE: You sleep around obviously, but unlike a regular whore, the more you sleep around the more enticing you become. “Lucy, that guy over there, he slept with 57 girls on Spring Break.” Lucy then proceeds to run over to him and let him know how much she hates condoms and loves drinking cumcockshuns. It’s like every man’s fantasy e-harmony ad. And if you think about it, it’s like why has he slept with so many girls? Is he just that good in bed? Or does he actually suck and girls are leaving him? And it’s not like you can check. Manwhores never have traceable relations with anybody. Go ahead Lucy, ask that bid if she knows even the first name of any one of those 57 girls. Probably fucking not. And when she tells you, don’t fall for a generic name like Jenny or Becky because we all know who Becky really is. So basically, being called a manwhore is like telling me you bough a brand new car and it happens to be a stock 2010 Honda. An oasis. A facade. You look good on paper, but you can’t quite get there in real life.

It’s far easier to be called something rude as a girl. Girls are clearly less creative. I read some where that our brains are the size of peas. It must be true. Either that or girls would rather spend time dating or hooking up then plotting in their mom’s basements names to call you. To be honest, I don’t think you want to be called any of these names. The nicest thing any girl can call a guy is some orientation of his first name. You always want your name on the tip of any girl’s tongue (among other things). Any dude can be her babe or your douchebag but if you look at a girl’s phone, it’d be pretty easy to tell who that random stranger is she keeps talking about. Don’t be weary of pet names, but appreciate hearing your name, because it means she cares. Anyway, see you all this weekend. I’ll be calling guys douchebags at the bar.

*8/10 guys aren’t even listening when you call them by any name.