Well Aren't You Just Fabulous At Fucking Everything

I’m just really sick of all the bullshit on the internet and all the problems caused by said bullshit. Like when did it hit a point where everyone was good at everything? And everyone knew everything about anything? It’s honestly fucking annoying. It makes me want to vom everywhere. Its gotten so bad that I’m not sure why people waste time being creative. It’d be like if you took anything cool or different from the last 120 years and threw it all into a blender, mixed it with a margarita bucket, and gave it to a freshman girl who has a mouth fulla jizz. She wakes up the next day, pukes, and realizes that over night she became the best PHOTOGRAPHERAUHORMUSICIANARTISTHOBBYENTHUSIAST. Go team Lindsay, who in high school spent a majority of her time being the Vice President of bullshit clubs, keeping quiet in class, regularly attending cheerleading practice, and dressing according to her parents approval. Now, meet Lindsay, hipster and all around CRACCCCCIIIIIII GURRRRLLLL in college. Suck my dick Lindsay.

I’m going to kick things off by saying that YOU’RE NOT A FUCKING DJ OR A FUCKING RAPPER OR A FUCKING PRODUCER JUST BECAUSE YOU DOWNLOADED SOME BULLSHIT PROGRAM TO YOUR ACER LAPTOP. I started mixing music and making beats around 2003 and started DJing in 2005. Am I the world’s best DJ? Fuck no. But you bet your ass that I’m not a gimmick either. Wanna know why? People LOVE the songs I throw on. I know shit about music and what will be liked. That’s my niche. How did I get there? How did I learn about music? Before I even went this route, I played instruments, borrowed 50 million books from the library, reading the different histories of music, and submersing myself around people and places that could further my knowledge. That being said, what the fuck did you do? Oh, you watched a fucking youtube video and said to yourself mid-ass pick “Wow. That looks cool. I bet it’ll get me laid. How can I do that?” Fast forward 6 or 7 years and the first question during a round of speed dating is “What DJ program do you use?” Are you shitting me bro? Why don’t you go rub some sand paper all over your hairless ballsack and cry yourself to sleep to whatever AviciiSkrillexDeadMau5 mash up you “bootlegged”. Try a different fucking genre. Step your game up. Good luck learning to scratch via youtube. And along that route, I hear so many “rappers” today with their noses up in the air, saying that they don’t freestyle. They don’t feel as though its relevant anymore, and truth be told, it’s not, it’s an outdated way to gain notoriety unfortunately. But regardless, you should fucking learn the backbone to this culture and hobby you believe so heavily in. Every douchebag today with ProTools is hating Mac Miller, “Fuck him, he only raps about smoking weed. He sucks, blah blah blah his dick is small I want it in my mouth”. Whatever your feelings are about this music, the kid can fucking freestyle and works with legitimate rappers and producers. Get off the fucking Biggie/Eminem bandwagon and realize that rap is different now. Gangsta Rap is done for a reason – black people in America were sick of white boys talking about gats and du rags. Fucking read a book about hip hop and quit thinking you’re a rapper because you bought a $50 mic.

Next up, we have writing. “But golly jeepers Kerry. You BLOOOOOOOOOOOGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!” I’ve always written You know how you fall in love with writing? You read. When do you read? When you’re not busy shaking your fucking head at your boys re-tweet for the win hashtag pshappyfollowfriday. Then you might have time to pick up a book, or even maybe write a book. Blogger.com has helped me reach a captive audience that I might’ve not had otherwise, so I’m thankful. But now it seems like everyone has something to bitch about on the internet. There are certain things that I want to read about. I hate to break it to you bro, but your babymama drama does not fall into that category. You knocked the bitch up. You could’ve run to Mobil and bought a condamn or at least a Snickers Bar and wrapped your dick up with that, but no, you wanted to be a cool guy and bust all up in oversize uterus and now the good people on your friend’s list have to listen to you everyday. And people who’s statuses are a grocery list of their daily activities should be banned, not only from Facebook, but from Planet Earth. Oh, I’m sorry…are you a fucking Kardashian? Do you have an interesting life in Beverly Hills? No. You wake up, go to your doc’s appointments, go to the gym, study for your 2 classes you’re taking this semester at the All-American CC, work at a townie bar, and drink with the same 5 people every night. And PS – who the fuck has as many doctor’s appointments as these people? I have at least 5 people who blow up my feed everyday with a post about their doctor’s appointments. ARE YOU HERPES THAT BAD THAT YOU HAVE TO GET THEM POPPED ON A REGULAR BASIS?! If so, I don’t want to hear about it.

Photography is a fun one. Shout out to all my photographer friends that use real equipment and know their shit. The IPhone and Instgram has everybody and their mom taking super artsy bullshit photos. I always get so amped up too! Because it’s like, “Oh! Did one of my favorite indie band from high school release a new album with a sweet cover!?” Nope. Just some stupid slut taking pictures of her favorite gas station or snack food. What the fuck man? And now everyone wants club gigs. Everybody wants to be a big shot club photographer. I have no idea why. Granted, its money in your pocket, but at what cost to your life? Weekend after weekend taking pictures of stupid fucking biddies when you could be out working shows or photo shoots or something creative. Let’s just let these assholes with their IPhone extended lens do all this bullshit. Let’s bring the creativity back.

And of course thanks to the internet, you can’t go like 30 fucking seconds without someone thinking they’re hot shit and found this awesome new song by this awesome new band who only tours exclusively in Europe. At least that’s how it was when I was in high school. Only now it’s way worse because heaven fucking forbid you don’t have the house remix, the dubstep remix, the bootleg, the mash-up, 6 different remixes featuring 6 different rappers, and oh my Jesus, the second you have a biddie in your car and you don’t have the original that she can sing a long drunk to…It’s just too much. It’s overwhelming. Like if I walked into some sort of store that was a mix between Spencer’s, the lickher store, and a Pizza Bite Emporium, I would probably be less overwhelmed than having to deal with fucking idiots bitching about a top 40 song and its 28 remixes. I can’t even enjoy music anymore! For fucks sake, maybe if I just sat around my dorm room smoking pot all day, maybe I’d have time to catch up on David Guetta’s life history and have the time to download a shitty club set from Germany in 1997. But I fucking don’t! I have a job, and a life. And truth be told, by knowing all this shit and having all these music files on your computer, it doesn’t make you any more knowledgeable or music-savy. It just allows you to put people down to make you think that someday you’ll get a call from someone with your big break. Unfortunately, you’ve been too busy breaking up your fucking drugs to pay attention to how the world works. Suck my clit. I’m sure your grandchildren will give a massive fuck about how awesome DayGlow was.

I won’t harp on this one…but fer realz…YOU’RE NOT FUCKING JENNA OR THE BITCH WHO DOES HUMAN CENTIPEDE MAKE UP OR THE WOW KID THAT SHOVED A CLICKER UP HIS ASS. STOP WITH THE FUCKING YOUTUBE VIDEOS. Tell you what? I’ll buy you 15 minutes of fame and you let me know how that shit works out. You’re still gonna end up in the same nursing home as the guy who picks up your trash every Tuesday. The same nurse that feeds you blended pork chops and applesauce will also wipe his ass. Tough shit dick bag. Last time I checked, Brad Pit didn’t get his start posting a video about him picking his nose. No! He put effort into his craft. And that’s why he’s fucking that sex pot Angelina Jolie.

Were you fuckers expecting me to be humorous? Because I’m not enjoying this shit anymore. Let people have things they like and leave them the fuck alone. Don’t one day wake up and decide you want to so something without thinking about what you’re doing to the people that actually do this. People need to realize that unlike what Barney taught us in Kindergarden – NOT EVERYONE IS SPECIAL. Sometimes you’re just destined to pop out kids or work behind a desk. Learn to settle and leave creativity to people that fight for it.

*4/10 people honestly are about to call my therapist and tell her I’m going to attempt to commit suicide. Fucking retards lol smiley face.