That Hot Chick You Like? Yeah, She Probably Doesn't Own A Toothbrush

I’ve been researching this topic for some time now. Taking family feud polls, studying rats, hanging out with Pinky & The Brain, and any other scientific way to gather evidence. I’ve finally reached the conclusion that hot girls have god awful hygiene and are basically all-around disgusting. I’m assuming it has something to do with a system of checks and balances but I’m not quite sure. That’s just a hypothesis, an educated guess if you will. So be forewarned gentlemen, the hottie that you creep on from work probably has skin herpes.

Now, I’m not saying that we’re (and by we, I’m referring to us hot bitches) all across the board grimy. No, no, no. I mean that there are certain aspects in our life that are just plain gross. For example, the concept of bathing comes to mind. I fucking hate showering. Do you know how many times my ex boyfriend would have remind me to shower? But to me, it’s like why? You just woke me up with sex, I want to eat first, you let me “sleep in” until 9 even thought I’ve been up slaving away all night finishing a bottle of tequila and practicing the Kama Sutra, and you’re already saying how we have to go to Game Stop to get your ass a new Playstation game. Whoa whoa whoa. When I wake up, the last thing I want to do is shower. I want to eat and lounge and play some Bloons Tower Defense and watch at least one full episode of Law & Order. And to me, what does it matter? I’m just going to get dirty again. I’m sure I’ll spill my Mini Wheaties on myself or we’ll have a sex again before we actually leave for the store. And it’s like, I know you’re just going to want to shower again. Guys seem to love showering 3 or 4 times a day. I fucking don’t. Do you know how long it takes my hair to BLOW DRY? An hour. And we know I’m not doing that, so make it an all day drying event. I understand that I look great after a hot, wet shower, but I don’t feel so great. Cold, actually. Stop picturing my nipples. Anyway, dude stop getting pissed when I just throw on clothes and go out like that’s disgusting. My ideal shower time is like 3-5 pm, and we both know you’ll be due for your 4th shower around then anyway. Deal with it.

Along with bodily hygiene, I’d also contend that some hot girls live in a fucking pig sty. They probably haven’t seen the bottom of their floor in months. There’s probably some sort of odor coming from their car. There are plates in their sink that have Thanksgiving leftovers stuck to them. It happens. I get it. Life goes on and you don’t think about the shit that piles up. As long as you can find one pair of heels, a pair of semi-clean undies, and your purse which contains many of the other life essentials (ie a brush, gum, a spare make up bag, Wendy’s coupons, body paint, a camera, a raspberry Smirnoff nip, lotion, 3 things of lip glow, and some loose tobacco stuck to the bottom from when you were quitting smoking). It doesn’t bother you because you know where everything is that you need. Again, lezzbe honest…if you’re some random dude that I called on once to get me off, I don’t want you in my bedroom. So don’t be commenting that my shit’s messy. Oh right, we couldn’t go to your house because you live with your grandma. And granted, I have lots of friends that live with family, so I can’t really knock it. But if you’re trying to lay around and chill and cuddle and blow me up about me being caught up on my ex and whatever the fuck else that’s really none of your business BECAUSE I USED YOU FOR SEX, well, you really just don’t have any right to be commenting about my dirty laundry (literally). Fucking get your own place, there’s the door, I have to work, goodbye.

Now, poor personal hygiene I believe also extends to just the way you carry yourself and how you are in general. Hot girls are the grimiest people. Hands down, we burp, we fart, we smoke butts, we wear clothes out of the hamper multiple times a week, we get drunk and put mayo and bacon on a PB&J and think it tastes great. Like we just don’t care. People let it slide because we’re dope. I’m not saying its OK, but it happens. Not to mention that if you get a group of hot girls in a room, the conversations will be comparable to that of a room full of 45 year old, balding, business men. Eavesdroppers wouldn’t even be able to distinguish which room held who in it. “Holy shit. You should’ve seen this shit last night. Titties, dick and cum shots all night. I woke up to a condom wrapper floating in my vodka and I haven’t used a condom in 3 years. It was just an all around solid night.” It really wouldn’t even surprise me. I’ve heard a story like this a million times. A zillion times even. I don’t know why. It’s just to make up for the fact that we’re attractive, because we’re not really. Like the old timeless saying “You should eat make up to be pretty on the inside bitch”, yeah it’s the same thing, only I’m not a bitch. I’m just gross.

On that note, guys, just be forewarned. We might be attractive, but there IS indeed something wrong with us. That something wrong is the fact that we consider gum a healthy alternative to the toothbrush. Here’s a good gauge: If she’s hot, she’s either a bitch, or she’s disgusting. Sometimes both depending on the day. You might settle down with a 4 or a 5, and she’ll live in a spotless house, won’t burp in fancy restaurants and LOVES blow drying her hair 16 times a day to fit your shower schedule, but really? Who wants a 4 or a 5? Checks and balances my dear friends, checks and balances.

*8/10 bids used this blog as an excuse not to shower yet.