People In Relationships Should Move To Their Own Private Island
There have been more times than not where I’ve honestly thought to myself, “From now on, I’m not talking to anybody in a relationship”. Just so fucking over people and their relationship with another person. And, no, I don’t have a problem with being in a relationship; I’m actually exuberantly jealous of anybody in one. BUT FER REAL. The way people are/talk/act/think/respond to normal situations when they are in a relationship is frighteningly scary. For that reason, I’d like to instate some sort of law that ships you assholes off to your own island some place where you can be gay and frolic and suck on Lisa Frank’s unicorn’s happy-go-lucky dick and leave us unwanted ugly people in our own world of vodka and misery. Also, I’d like that law to carry over if I’m ever lucky enough to have that lifestyle back. And I’d like an umbrella drink waiting.
Yeah, ok, so this might offend some people, sure. But honestly, I don’t give a fuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaackkkkkkk. It needs to be said, because it’s true and you fuckers don’t realize because you drank too much love potion #9 and/or sex juices from your partner of choice. What’s the first thing everyone says when they start a new relationship with someone – “Change? Me? No way. Not this guy.” WRONG. You do change. A lot. And I’m not saying that I’m pissed that you no longer go out and party your brains out like you’re single and Paris Hilton’s coke dealer hooked it up. No, because that’s not a good habit to get into when you’re working toward longevity with a person. By change, I mean you act like a complete fucking retard. You are locked in a bubble with your significant other and you both start to feed off of each other like satan spwan until more often than not, you become some ghastly spouse mutation like Benifer. You both lose part of yourselves, so when you break up you’re like a kitten in the bath tub clawing up at the surface like what the fuck. So you get back together. And every thing is fine and you’re no longer drowning but then it falls off again and you’re back to square one – stuck, bitching, complaining and drowning. You can only crash the Titanic into an ice burg so many times before everyone in your social group just wants to tell you to shove it up your ass and shit it out elsewhere.
On the flip side, there are the couples that are so lovey-dovey that I hope to God it starts to rain after birth on them. But regardless, you’ve seen them at the mall, on the way to class, in front of you in the 12 items or less line at Stop & Shop. They’re just there to mock you and kiss and giggle like WE’RE JUST SO FUCKING IN LOVE WE HAVE TO HOLD HANDS WHILE PUMPING GAS! WEEEEEEEEEE! Like fuck man. When I’m with someone, PDAs are fine and dandy, but there are times when I’m just like no, this has to end so I can get shit done. We’re not on our honey moon. I’m trying to find the right-sized tampons and you wanna make out next to the Depends. Fuck yourself. My vagina is bleeding and I want Flipz and Chinese food. You wonder what these people think of themselves. Like we get it. If I see a guy and a girl together at the store, I automatically assume they’re fucking. You don’t have to make it a point to emphasize that you’re also in a loving relationship. That just makes it worse. That’ll just make me put all my food back except the Smiley Fries and head on over to the nearest place I can get sangria.
The word “love” also comes to mind. Fucking biddies and throwing that shit around like it’s a descriptive curse word. I know girls who have “loved” every single dude that’s sent them a text that one time at 2am. Out of the people I’ve had sex with, I I’ve cared for probably 1/8th of them. And I’m not even talking love. Cared about. This doesn’t make me a bad person; it makes me realistic. It makes YOU people crazy in the head. You never just went out one night, pissed off, spiteful, annoyed, and got way too drunk and just did it with someone? Like if not, you should try it, it’ll clear your head. Sometimes a text is just a text, sometimes sex is just sex. Girls read WAAAAAYYYY too fucking much into things. “Should I text him, should I call him, he wore red today, what does that mean, he said he likes apples, is that sexual?” Like no! Relax. Fucking grow up. Sit at home and watch Disney movies if you want a good fairy tale, don’t involve some poor asshole who was sick of getting blue-ballsed by a chick at his job and met you after you had one too many sex on the beaches. Just put your clothes back on, call a cab, and make yourself some breakfast. Be an adult. It doesn’t make you a whore; it makes you human. Mistakes happen. Love should never be one of those regrets so don’t force it to save face in front your friends when you get fuckedNskunked.
Truth is though…to some degree, I’ve been there. I’ve been that guy. Especially with the first example. I come from a very crazy relationship that people are terribly sick of hearing about. So this post isn’t to say I’m in the clear. We act crazy when we’re in love; I know I do. I’m a different breed of hopeless romantic, and people will never fully accept my style. My love only comes at 150 mph and there’s no off button. It’s terrifying. My point is though, you should try your very best to catch yourself acting like a crazy person and keep in mind that you should always remain true to yourself while also working towards a healthy goal with your significant other. Stop making people want to vomit in their mouths a little when you guys come around. It’s unhealthy and no one enjoys throwing up except for people with self-control issues. There’s nothing more I enjoy than a cool ass fucking couple who is fun to hang out with and doesn’t make me feel awkward or self loathing. Please fix this.
*0/10 couples are legit this cool all the time
