Internet Sucksations
Ok. So I’m always that asshole that is the LAST person in the world to see viral internet videos. It makes me mad because people make such a big deal out of them when it’s like “Dude, are you fucking shitting me? You just made me sit and watch this 2 minute video that wasn’t even funny, you just laughed to make me feel like I was missing something awesome as we shared this special moment at my cubicle?” It was way worse when I was in high school because that’s all anyone talked about. “Haha let’s make fun of Kerry because she hasn’t seen [inset retahhhhded video here]”. Yeah, ok, let’s make fun of me, sure. It’s unfortunate that you can’t laugh at the fact I saw your boyfriend fucking my friend on a picnic table at the party I was at because you weren’t invited. That’s also funny (and true by the way). But I hope your one Smirnoff Ice and potential lesbian encounter with your biffle after watching this fucking stupid video this past Friday night were to die for! I’m sorry I don’t stalk youtube for pointless shit. That’s someone’s job who spends most of their weekend stalking their right hand. On that note, I’d like to touch upon each genre of internet sucksations and explain why I believe them to be so exuberantly popular.
1. ABSOLUTELY SEXUAL WEIRD SHIT: I had to comment on this video. Part of the reason why I decided to write this blog was to comment on this video that popped up a few weeks ago. The whole reason everyone on the internet has been talking about this video is because of it’s immense popularity that legit came about overnight. This video and other’s like it are popular because they get people thinking “What the fuck would I do if my life could be this video?”. However, my point stems from the people that comment – I read this one comment on youtube , and it was basically saying “Why is this video even popular?”...excuse me? Obviously the guy comments were perverse and obvious, as are men in general typically are. But the girl’s comments made me laugh because any bid to comment basically said “This is sooo0o0o0oo0 weird” and “wtf???”. Now, I’m not one to just come out and say that these girl’s have some secret LESBIAN CRUSH, but why comment? It’s my assumption that these girls are thinking worse shit than the dudes: “Ew, gross” translates into “My fucking boyfriend can’t do that shit, what the fuck?”. If it’s weird, shut it off. But oh no…your closeted-rug-munching-strolling down-to-the-fish-market-down-to-the-clam-chowadah-festival creeper ass watched the damn whole thing and commented. And you, my biddies, should check yourself into some sort of anti-confusedsexualityanonymous clinic, because this video is so icky gross and anyone who spent hours on end thinking how the world would be a better place if everyone could do that should be burned at the stake.
2. HOW TO VIDEOS: So, I’m guilty of using this video because Jenna is marketable as fuck and I’m jealous. You caught me. Anyway, people like these videos for usually 1 of 2 reasons. The first reason, is that they’re extremely over the top. Just be the stupidest, prettiest bitch EVER. You drop 5 stacks on that make up bag! And then proceed to waste it on a pointless video that absolutely WILL NOT not launch a multi-million dollar promotion, modeling and vlogging career. Gosh, if I knew people could make money doing that, I’d fucking try! Reason number two is that by the end of the video, people, or in this case biddies are thinking to themselves “HOLY FUCKING BALLS. I’M DOING MY MAKE UP LIKE THIS TO GO OUT TO FRIDAY’S TONIGHT. I’LL LOOK AMAZING”. Like yeah, Jenna looks dope, but I’m pretty sure the wife of the owner of Friday’s (because women don’t own things) doesn’t put on that much make up when she goes out to her own restaurant. You don’t want your fake eye lashes falling into the Jack Daniel’s sauce.
3. WEIRD ASS NIGHTMARE SHIT THAT WILL EVENTUALLY HAVE A CULT FOLLOWING AND T SHIRTS AT HOT TOPIC: Quick, grab some friends, grab an edition of Photoshop and get to crackin’. Throw a bunch of letters together to create a mythical creature that talks to other Lisa Frank looking critters that speak like they spent too much time with a tank of laughing gas and add in one very hungover unicorn. And then! The grand finale! Some asshole steals your mythical creature’s liver. MOB ENDING BOOM! Give it about 5 days and the next thing you know, six 12 year-olds and an Asian all have some sped up, auto-tuned version of your video mashed up with a DJ-scratch cut in of “Rust, rust, rust, rusty spoons CHARRRRRLIIIIEEEE”. Why is this video popular? Because people smoke pot and often drink too much.
4. CRAZY MUSIC VIDS: First things first. How fucking loud is this kid’s amp/video camera turned up so that it actually catches an entire minute of fret taps to the tune of Super Mario? One false move and this kid is blowing out half of Tokyo. But no, it doesn’t care, going to town on its home made Spanish 12-string. It wouldn’t even matter what this kid was playing, though it does help that it’s Asian and playing Super Mario. Yeah, I said it, an IT. What is it? I don’t know. It has girl hair and a girl body. It has a nicer fucking body then I do. It’s anorexic for Christ’s sake! This video is an outrage! Again, maybe all these questions are why I’ve personally watched this video countless times, but I think that these types of music videos get everyone asking silly questions like this and that’s why they’re popular. Not the tune or the talent, but the what if’s.
5. WHEN POP CULTURE GOES WRONG: So think of what’s been maybe a little popular for a few months, you know, got its 15 minutes in the spot light, got some good criticism, maybe made a few bucks…what’re you thinking of? HARRY POTTER. Right! Exactly. The best way to do this is to make your pop culture icon of choice creepy as fuck. Finger puppets, awkward music from a 1993 elementary school Mac computer. And poof! You’re golden. My question to the creator of this video is “what kind of drugs to you place in the orifices of your body to come up with this?” And then I realize, no, no Kerry, these are probably the creeps that don’t do drugs, maybe had a beer once, but don’t sit around high in their parent’s basements like you’d think. Nope, they probably actually closely resemble the Snape finger puppet and have plots to commit cult suicide one day.
6. JUST PLAIN FUCKING WITH PEOPLE: I love fucking with people. I just absolutely adore it. People are so awkward that you can do anything to them and they just really won’t absorb it. Like do you really not see a creeper 20 feet away with a massive Channel 4 news team video camera? Are you not only as awkward as a leper but have a massive eyeball tumor completely blinding you as well? But this guy is awesome. He’s so over the top – and you have to be when you’re fucking with people – that it’s just hard to believe that people don’t get it. The best part is that they think he’s actually retarded. Like this guy trying to sell his car doesn’t at one point think “Golly, this guy will not shut the fuck up, not stop saying ‘WULDJALOOKATHYAT’, and there is a guy in a beenie hat filming from behind my hydrangeas. He’s clearly…what’s the word I’m looking for…retarded.” Not “oh, I’m a fucking idiot and I’m about to become a youtube celebrity”, not “this guy doesn’t wanna buy my car” but rather, this guy is a window licker. And that right there, is the icing on the cake ladies and gents.
7. COOL ASS SHIT: Now these videos are actually fun to watch. They’re honestly cool. Clearly, these kids are physics majors and/or nerds but I respect the fuck out of their style. You wouldn’t catch these kids at any party I’ve ever been to. When I go out, I just get the “I’ve won every game I’ve ever played bro. I’m the shit. Bitches love my wet balls. I came out of the womb sinkin’ shots and flippin’ cups.” No dude. You’re just a 22 year old freshman. Congrats, you’ve bought everyone in the room Poland Spring vodka and you can’t hit a cup to save your life. Woohooo! I know who I’m inviting to the next party. I’d rather party on Seaseme Street to be totally honest. But whatever, these kids are nuts. And guitar solos put hair on your chest. Unless you’re a hairy I-talian and already have some there.
8. CUTE NAMINALS: I SWEAR TO JESUS THAT IF ANYONE BUYS THIS DOG BEFORE I DO, I WILL COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND STEAL IT AND THEN KILL YOU IN THE COOLDEST OF BLOODS. I want a pom. His name shall be Rufflestiltskin and he will be all mine for the snuggling.
That’s all she wrote. Unfortunately, I’ll still be behind the curve ball on everything so don’t be that asshole and shove videos down my throat. I have a a few careers and better shit to do and food to eat and booze to drink. I’m good for now, thank you. However, feel free to sit around and pick your ass and make fun of me for not doing the same. That’d be great. Oh, but if a video is really good, work hours are the best time to send me one.
*9/10 people instantly respond with “WHY THE TITS DIDN’T SHE TALK ABOUT _____ VIDEO!?” Shit, I don’t know. Write your own damn blog.
