Your Gym Etiquette Smells Like Balls
I am a gym rat. I have a routine that I’ve altered and changed up over about 5 years of working out and I’m proud of how far I’ve come in both feeling and looking better, especially after trying to reverse years of booze and fried shit day after day that would make Chelsea Handler question her life choices. That being said, fuck you if you come to my gym and ruin that for me. I understand that it’s a new year and you have resolutions and 300 lbs of fat to lose, and varsity sports to train for, and a reason to continue to stuff you face at BK Lounge, but honestly, stop, pick a new gym. I believe your mom’s basement is currently accepting new members and she always believes you’re handsome and special! Proper gym etiquette go!
First of all, regular members at a gym have “their” own things there. Whether that’s a favorite locker or a favorite treadmill or a certain spot they stretch out in. All the other regular members know who’s shit that is and they leave it the fuck alone. But oh no! You get some new asshole in there and like clock work, you show up for your 5pm work out, same as every Tuesday, AND SOME STUPID FUCKING SPOTTED COW IS USING YOUR ELLIPTICAL. Staring her down, peeing on the elliptical aka marking your territory (gosh, step up on your animal planet people), and even moo-ing do not get her away from your machine. Because of this, you must disrupt routine, even though you’ve been sticking to your RANDOM FUCKING SUMMER’S DAY RESOLUTION FROM 2007 for oh, I don’t know, 4 and a half years, give or take a week or 2. Stupid Moo Cows.
Secondly, and I know, people say this all the time, but it needs to be said by me but…when did the gym turn into an ice cream social? Yeah, you group of dudes standing around one bench chit chatting about your new Jordans and your penis herpes and how you cut your balls by scratching them too viciously, I’m talking to you. And the sad part is that it’s only dudes that do that! Biddies have more decency than that! They usually bring one friend for support and that’s it. And they (the guys, not the girls, unless…) actually do something! The icing on the cake, I know you’re waiting for it, is that they check you out when they do this. Excuse me for looking fucking dope even though I’m dripping in sweat and getting your dick hard. Is it my fault that your 17 year old erection is too small and slips out under your watchful eye. Well Detective Colombo, it appears as though the waistband trick failed in this situation. Your dick has escaped into my work out routine and your ice cream social.
I can’t leave out the the Nosy Nancy’s. These gym goers won’t just mind their own fucking business. They wanna stare at how many calories you’ve burnt, they wanna know how heavy the weights are you’re using, they wanna see you struggle. It’s like when the cops get called to a neighborhood fulla portagues and italians – everyone has to grab their popcorn, their plastic law chair from Benny’s and post out on their front porches and watch their entertainment for the night (it’s good to come early and avoide getting stuck behind a Virgin Mary or St. Joseph’s statue). I don’t know why, but this gym member’s pathetic work out needs a boost, and you’re that golden ticket. What do you want me to say to you? “Sorry you’re a dude and I’m better built than you are?”, “Sorry you’re girlfriend is a lazy slut and won’t get her bitch ass to the gym”, “Sorry, but I’m not the porn star you think I am”. Like what do you want from me? I really just want to turn to the person when I catch them staring at me and yell something out of how-to-fake-tourettes-for-dummy’s book (I’m sure your local library has one). FUCKINGNAZISATHOGWARTSDRINKINGLATTESMOTHERFUCKERFUCKFUCKSHITFUCKGOODNIGHTMOON. Something along those lines would likely throw the onlooker off. I don’t know, try it sometime. I always seem to get in trouble when I claim “Tourettes made me do it”.
Finally, and this pisses me off to no end. Why are you drinking a Super Jack’d Hyper Energy Crazy Time Beverage at the gym. I’m pretty sure that most pre-work out drinks don’t include a year’s worth of sugars, cactus extract and parrot jizz. Not to mention that your drink sounds like some sort of stereotypical Chinese-owned business. Put that shit down. Like first of all, energy drinks are awful for you in the first place, but while you’re working out bro? Seriously? “Oh, its fine, I’m just lifting. Flexin’ my guns you know?” Riiiiiight…1001, 1002, 1003, I can barely feel my right arm cause I did so many. Dude, you sound like a fucking dumbass. You’re dehydrating the shit out of yourself and have the muscle mass of a 12 year old girl. I understand that your mom won’t let you drink them in the house, but the gym is not the place.
Look guys, I respect anyone hustling at the gym, trying to better themselves. It’s not easy, it’s not always fun, but it’s well worth it, especially if you have the Diabetus Man on speed dial and you can’t see you feet. But just be respectful of those of us who try to make an effort everyday, every week, every month and so on. We’re not going to make fun of you for being over weight or not knowing the correct techniques but rather that you think that you do! Ask for help, take it step by step, and don’t fucking stomp around my gym for fun. I go their to work and you should to, regardless of if you’re a Moo Cow or not.
*4/10 people switched gyms for fear that I go to their’s.
