Ocean State Drivers Should Drive Directly Into The Ocean
(*Note – Miss Keller’s personal information has been blurred out for her own protection. **Note – I respect the fuck out of Helen Keller, but it’s too easy in this case.)
Just so you guys know, I live on the boarder of Rhode Island. Because of this, I often end up in Rhode Island, mostly by mistake. Having been born and raised in Mass, I just assume that people are like me everywhere. New Englander’s just have the American mind set in concentrated form – WE DA BEST @DJKHALED. Granted, we slack on fast food chains – Chix Felet, In N Out Burger, Jack In The Box – and come to think of it, the statement “Excuse me, I left my pet shark Marky Mark in the car. He’s probably getting wicked warm, but I can’t find the lot I parked in, I think it’s R4? Can you help me out?” would probably leave the person I’m chatting with under the assumption that I’m 2 DNA strands short of mental retardation. The thing is that, Rhode Island is like RIGHTTHEFUCKTHERE. It really shouldn’t be all that different from Mass. It’s like our broke ass, younger sibling who can’t keep the mob out of his pockets. Badump chhhh. No, but really, it is very different. And it’d be safe to assume that most RI drivers are the anti-Christ. For the sake of my argument, we’ll just say that they teach you guys how to drive like shit at the DMV; it’s the state’s fault, not yours.
The first thing I’d like to discuss is the passing lane. Now, in most of America, the passing lane (one on the very left) is to be used to pass slow pokes on the high way. In Mass, we use that simply as a lane to go really fast in, passing or not. In RI however, people seem to not comprehend that concept. 95 going into Providence is a clear example of this. Bro all the way to the left is going god knows how slow while I’m speeding past going FIFTY FIVE IN RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC. Last time I checked, the passing lane isn’t supposed to be used for new drivers to dilly dally on their way to Asspickers Anonymous. It was built with the intention of allowing people to get to their destinations in 20 minutes rather than 3 hours. This guy just reminds me of the assholes at the mall that shuffle about like the old people’s home ran out of walkers that day. That’s fucking fantastic you want to window shop at 7pm on a Friday, but to be honest dude, I have 2 hours to find new shoes, eat pizza bites, shave my vagina, and get my ass to Boston. SAME IDEA. Get the fuck out of my lane, and in all honesty, get the fuck off the highway.
The next issue I have is merging and changing lanes. I swear to God, RI drivers want me dead. If I’m boxed in, trying to get off the highway, and you choose to drive neck and neck with me like you’re Speed Racer, I really honestly want to punch you in the teeth. There is NO need for you to drive at the same exact speed that I’m going if you’re in a different lane. It’s like all you asshole RI drivers want me to stay in your little friendship box and stay on the highway with you. Next thing I know, I’m down in fucking Narragansett because no one will slow down, speed up, or move the eff over. Great. I’d love to go to a vacation community in mid January. But merging itself is way worse. Why the hells bells must you stop completely in the middle of the on ramp to 295? And it’s only 295 this happens on. It’s the biggest on ramp I’ve ever seen in my life, like Mass and RI got together and decided that it had to acclimate it’s drivers and did so by building this massively ridiculous on ramp to give those of you from RI going 50 enough time to realize that a Mass driver is flying on at 85, and move the hell over. But oh no, you get stuck behind someone from RI getting onto 295? Fucking fuggedabouit. They stop completely before mosey-ing onto the most empty public highway in America.
Now, on your regular everyday roads, that’s where people get funny. RI drivers still drive slow as fuck on these roads too, don’t get me wrong. Honestly, I feel like I’m often times in the midst of a funeral procession, only I have much better places to be at on a Saturday afternoon then stuck behind 27 cars going 15 mph in a 30. But the thing is, say you come up to a place you’re looking for all of a sudden and take a quick turn into the parking lot. No harm done, people do it all the time. Oh no, to these assholes, you’ve just committed a mortal sin. Pulling into Taco Bell too quickly just got you a one way ticket to Satan’s block party with all of your best pals – Hitler, Pontius Pilate, the Uni-bomber, and that VanDerSloot Fucker. Oh! And while I’m on topic here, Right on Red doesn’t seem to be a known law. Every time I go to turn right at a red light, people have no idea what’s going on. Half of them look terrified like the herd of animals from Jumanji is following my car. The other half just looks pissed off as all hell. “I can’t believe that girl just turned right, AT A RED LIGHT! Can you believe that Harold? She must be a terrorist!” The last time I checked, there was no terrorist organization fighting for lowered tequila prices, free boob jobs, and a hour of each work day dedicated to playing with cute, widdle naminals.
Like I said, I have no idea what causes this. RI isn’t east bumfuck. It has main roads and chain stores. I just really don’t see why everyone drives like they’re 85 and have Medicare. And technically, yeah, I suppose I am intruding. It’s not my state. But shit man! We’re all New Englanders, like just fit the mold a little bit better I guess. Or at least add 10mph to however fast you’re going and just get the fuck out of the way if you see someone with a Mass license plate. Wise words to live by.
*10/10 Rhody drivers think I’m nuts and this isn’t true at all.
