I'm Sorry, But Your Boyfriend Is Actually A Raging Homosexual

I was at my friend’s house last night for a small gathering of people, ya know, usually Friday things, nothing too crazy. I didn’t really know anyone there so it was enjoyable to step out of my comfort zone and meet some new people, show some new faces what Kerry Quirk brings to the table. At one point in the night though, this kid and this chick walk in and my gaydar immediately goes off. Only come to find out, they’re actually in a relationship. Awkward to say the least. How does one go about handling this situation? AND HOW THE FUCK DOESN’T SHE KNOW?! Wait no, more importantly, why the fuck doesn’t he know?...

Just to clarify, I have nothing against playing butt pirates or munching on rugs, though I would hope you have the decency to shave that rug. Go for it. It’s all just finding out what type of hole fits your dick best and what type of stuff you like in your vag. No harm in that, however, I would not recommend anything pointy such as a mechanical pencil, or weird shit like poop and throw up. ANYWHOOOO...figure out what you like, and make it work for ya. I’m not sure who invented sex but they probably tried a few different things before they stumbled across something that got their skirt lifted, so why can’t we all just re-invent sex for ourselves? Exactly. Your mind was just blown on a Saturday afternoon. But my thing is this – why lie to yourself? Why go out of your way to just ruin your day? I’m not saying you have to look like the unicorn pillow pet up there but fer realz dude, just try some shit before you sign your life away to the norm. Especially if it doesn’t feel right. Actually, more so if it doesn’t feel right. Even if sex is like pizza in the sense that even bad pizza is OK, you’d want it to be something worth looking forward to. Good, great, grand, wonderful. Glad we got that out of the way.

But back to my point…I’ve got these couples down to a science. The girl is moderately average. Like a chick you’d see anywhere. She’s probably a little bit pushy and is MADLY in love with her big, gay boyfriend. Like needs to touch him and laugh at all of the stupid shit that comes out of his mouth. It just spews out like sewage and she just keeps on laughing. And he’ll never give this chick the chance to say anything, always cuts her off. She has some self esteem issues and gets reallllll quiet out in public. Definitely not one of those friends you enjoy going to the bar with. Just awkward, like fly on the wall type of deal, no matter how many people you introduce them to. They think that this is the last man on the planet for them, or maybe it’s just the first one who’s given her the time of day. And I mean, you can’t really blame her, because he looks like this. (PS you have no idea how much gay porn popped up on my computer after that search. I probably have 17 boner viruses now). But that should be a red flag! Why is that with that? Does not compute. Were all the 10’s out at the model factory that day? You just had to settle for a 4 down at Benny’s? This dude is usually well kept, nicely dressed, and smells of the most beastly, sexual cologne ever created. But then he opens his mouth, and just emphasizes everything you stereotype as a homo man on a regular basis. And I’m not saying it’s so stereotyped that he has lisp and a lavender murse, but just the way he talks and his mannerisms, like icing on the cake. It all makes sense now. I get it.

This gathering was especially helpful though because there was actually an openly gay kid there. And he obviously knows, because he’s not a neanderthal. And they carry on chasing each other and frolicking around the apartment joking around. If this kid did not show up with his “girlfriend”, I would have assumed that they were together. I would have not even thought twice about it. They seem like they’ve fucked. And I’m not saying it because they’re gay; I’m saying it because anyone blatantly flirting with each other I assume has had some sort of secret sexual engagement with each other. Or, ORRRRR, this gay man actually knows that the other one is just being a big fat pussy about it and is waiting for him to slip up and do something wicked gay and homoerotic. Either or. Just bouncing ideas off the wall here. But it’s obvious. Even more so now.

The funny thing is, the whole night, this kid is constantly talking about girls. And I don’t mean like “Oh this girl is so hot yadda yadda”. No. Like going out of his way to point out that there were girls at the party. “Oh it’s because you’re a girl”, “Watch out, be careful, she’s a girl”, “Those girls should shut the fuck up” and so on. See the difference? Like yeah, there are girls here. The owner of the house enjoys vagina very much, so he let’s girls come over. This isn’t Burt Reynold’s Mustache Club. No, it’s a gathering for all sorts of people and sometimes chicks come to those types of events. Go figure, who’da thunk it. By this point, I’m pretty drunk. And its great. The thoughts are just flowing free now and I’m hoping they stay put in my head. Because then I get to thinking – what is the sex like? Do they have sex? Or does he just enjoy fucking the back of her throat 7 days a week? And I mean, there’s nothing wrong with a good throat fuck from what I’ve been told, but it could potentially be detrimental to one’s heterosexual relationship if that’s what “sex” consists of all the time. Or do you think he really does stick it in her icky gross clam basket and then scrubs his dick with steel wool after? And then I’m all like “Ok Kerry, relax. You’re getting cartoonish now. Put the beer down and have a pee before you start thinking anymore about their sex life.” But on the way to the bathroom, I’m thinking about him holding her and crying, and who’s family is actually stupid enough to allow this lie to ruin their kid’s lives and if she’s bought him anal beads all this crazy shit. I don’t know. This is just what happens when I meet people and drink. Even more icing for my cake though, because I do really love cake…I ask my friend if everyone knows he’s gay. His answer was “We actually sat him down one night and just asked him ‘Dude, do you like guys?’ and he got all offended and basically said no while avoiding the question”. Touche.

Point of the matter is though, what would you assholes do in this situation? Is the world that much of crazy place that you’d let one of your guy friends carry on with a chick who loves him, knowing that he loves whackin’ it to Ryan Gosling movies? Bids, would you let one of your friends date a guy that was seriously fucking dick-in-the-butt gay? And all religious ideas, laws, all that bullshit aside for a second. People should be kind of a safety net for their friends, call them out, call ‘em a fag if it makes you feel like your quarter roll-sized dick works better, but at the end of the day dude, you’re still friends with that person. You still share some sort of interests and enjoy each other’s company. Keep that in mind. Because in the long run, we’re all just trying to fall in love, get laid, be successful, and find happiness. So just go with it. But for the love of Hostess Snowballs, get your girl out of that shit before she falls in love with some dude who will never physically and mentally love her the way that she believes he does. DatShitCray. And she may hate you, and she probably won’t get anyone nearly as hot as that ever again, but it’ll keep them both from being miserable the rest of their lives.

*3/10 girls just realized their boyfriend has a similar unicorn suit in the closet.