Where The Fuck Is Ciara When You Need Her?
I went out with my best friend Bri last night. Fellas, she IS indeed single. She’s pretty fucking dope and shawty has ass fadayyz. Holla @ her. When we go out together, things get a little vicious. We don’t do much except figure out which bartender has the best pour swag, people watch, and reminisce on when we were the shit in high school. At one point in the night, we left the bar to go watch people dance. Now this spot we were at basically has a second floor overlook down to the dance floor on the first floor. And when I say vicious, I mean pointing directly at people and imitating their moves – it got so bad that some kid ran upstairs from across the entire first and second floor to yell at us. Let me just clarify for the sake of the argument, we both dance fucking fantastically; ballroom waltzing, to white girls at a rave, to bachata, to ohshitshakethatassmamoveitlikeagypsy. But anyway, she turns to me and says “Kerry, you should write a blog on people dancing at the club”. So ask and you shall receive.
1. The Mom Dance: The mom dance is so awesome, especially when it’s not even a mom. Picture your mam off the side a little bit but still front and center of the action. She basically boxes herself out like a batting stance and gets to shakin’. It’s like a knee wiggle with a clap to the beat. And it doesn’t even matter what the song is or what genre of music it is; it will ALWAYS look identical to every other mom dance out there. The best thing is when you get a gaggle of mom dancers; it’ll remind you a little bit of how seagulls respond when someone loses a hot dog bun at the beach. They just get real vicious with it, like they’re feeding off of each other’s energy. Go go gadget wine coolers. (PS – my mom is way cooler, she knows to dance and have fun and doesn’t try to impress people will her stupid mom dance. She just rocks out. And isn’t caught dead with a pussy ass wine cooler).
2.The Lustful Body Touch: These biddies straight up just want to fuck. Band, DJ, Kerry-okee Master, doesn’t matter. They just get right the hell up in the person on stage’s face. They touch themselves so provocatively that I personally feel uncomfortable and perhaps a little aroused. Think about the cliche hot chick in every teen movie over the last 10 years. Now, remember the scene where she’s got a slow sort of up and down body shot to ’70’s porno music. Eyes closed, mouth open, feeling herself up like she just discovered what bewbz were, just asking you to smother her in sundae toppings and eat her on top of your kitchen counter. Or whatever guys fantasize about. Anyway, these girls look like fuckin’ rahtards. We’re at a townie bar ok? It’s not Woodstock for Christ’s Sakes.
3. The Cher Over-Head Snap: Before anyone makes fun of Cher, don’t. I fucking love Cher so back off. But she started this trend. And it’s usually larger biddies that do it. I don’t know why. But it’s like the one arm up sway with a snap to the beat, typically followed by a huge shit-eating grin on their face. Really? That’s an accomplishment? Who’s music video did you learn that in? Christopher Reeve’s? C’mon now. Stop that.
4. The Bunny Hop: Total guy move. This is actually the move that the guy who yelled at us was doing. It consists of nothing more other than being really drunk or really awkward or really drunkenly awkward. Beer in hand, bouncing along, Peter Cottontail-ing it all over creation. How the FUCK do you expect to pick up girls and get anyone to dance with you if you’ve got a pogo stick up your ass? Your shit is buttoned up way too high and I think I reserve the right to tell you that you look like you belong at some sort of druggie festival for crunchy smelly gross suburbanized hippies of the new millennium.
5. The Hair Flip: This is one of my personal favorites. I fucking love my hair. My hair is the equivalent of the best sex you’ve ever had in your life wrapped up in warm chocolate chip cookies and soaked in a scorpion bowl for years. I just want you to know that my hair is the fucking dopest shit ever and it’s way better than any other bid’s. This is NOT “Whip You Hair” by Willow Smith. No no. This takes skill and gorgeous hair. Plain and simple: Tussle the bajeezus out of it and make your own sex hair. It looks awesome.
6. The White Boy Shuffle: Please note that this dance CANNOT be performed with another human being, so only save it for worst case scenarios. For practicing purposes, it’d be best if you took that white tape stuff that the CSI unit uses for dead bodies and boxed out a 6×6×6 foot square on the dance floor. This is the area you must work in. There’s no real specific way to do this dance, but basically just keep moving and spinning. Make sure you keep your feet moving at all times and your arms completely stationary and tightly fastened around your beer, because you are just the coolest dude in the building and everyone wants to bum rush you for that $3 Bud Light Lime. Girls will look at you, but unfortunately not want anything to do with you.
7. The Biddie Huddle: Ah bids love this shit when they go out for “girl’s night”. Ugh. Everyone, drink in hand, migrates to the center of the dance floor for no apparent reason other than to drink and flop around like a convicted serial rapist in an electric chair. There’s a full body sort of bump to the beat which clearly equals dancing. No dude EVER will talk to anyone in a biddie huddle. Shit is intimidating. “Hey, do you wanna dance?” turns into a full out conversation with 5 girls. “No, asshole! This is girl’s night!” aka the girl that eats tuna fish sandwiches at the Y. One girl is too drunk to hear aka me. One girl just looks at you like helllllllllllmotherfuckingno. One girl perks right up ready to jump on it because she’s insecure about the massive hairy mole on her upper lip. And finally one girl says “Sure, but how about a bottle of champagne on you first?” You sir were too dumb to avoid the biddie huddle.
8. The Really-Hot-Girl-Best-Friend-I-Wonder-If-They’ve-Ever-Rubbed-Vaginas Dance: This is reserved for the elite club goer and those on Spring Break or attending a birthday event. You and your dance partner need to be at least an 8 to pull this off, girls, sorry. Now all really sexy best friend couples know how this works, and there’s not even a code word for what’s about to happen; it just does. Basically, grab your best friend. It helps if you’re both visibly different ie blonde and brunette, black and asian, sober and puking etc. Stand on top of anything, a couch, a speaker, a stage – bonus points for things that you’re ABSOLUTELY not allowed on like the bar or a person. From there, it’s just a whirlwind of moves including but not limited to throwing your hands in the air, fondling each other, staring longingly into each other’s eyes, dancing and singing so seriously that The X Factor would sign you if you were actually doing anything remotely good, and so on. Using this will get you all the drinks, GHB, and attention via creepers all night. It’s the shit.
9. The Employee Attempt: Female employees that work at these places are there for one thing and one thing only, TIPS. How do you get tips? Look good and act like you wanna do it with someone in the bathroom. However, girl employees dance and sing along to songs “like no one is watching” meaning that they are begging for anyone to be paying any sort of attention to them. It’s so pathetic. Like really? Just serve my drink. The way your boobs jiggle to “Hollaback Girl” will not make me tip you anymore. Maybe the old guy in the suit jacket, but not me good madame.
10. ...The Creeper: You can never see his eyes, but he’s there. Tucked away in the corner with his drink. Ususally at a lone table to the side of the dancefloor. If anyone remembers creepy Disney move scenes such as this one, then you already know who I’m talking about (and yes that is Ursula, 10 points if you got it right). If he makes eye contact with you, leave immediately with a friend and lock all doors of your house. HE DOES NOT DANCE.
Well, that’s about it guys. I just need to point out the ridiculous things people do when they’re trying to get drunk, get attention, and get laid. I’ve said it once and I’ve said it again – life would be much easier if everyone responded to “Let’s fuck”, “Fuck off”, and “I’m going to drug you” in a much more positive way. Questions would be answered, actions would happen, and people would have a much better time going out. No more of this bar foreplay to confuse stupid Americans across the country. Sacrebleu, the French Rejoice!
*9/10 people still danced like assholes on this particular Friday.
