PlentyofDicksNClits.com
Hi, I’m Kerry. I wanted to choose a picture that really emphasized how much of a friendly, out-going gal I am. I also chose one that emphasized how I was not selected as the offspring in my family for braces. Also, please note that I’m not wearing any make up – I’m such a natural beauty it’s sickening. I’m an Aries – so I think I’m the hottest, most awesome bitch on the planet. I’m Italian and Irish so I already have a destructive, guinea-brat temper, but I choose to make that a trillion times worse with alcohol. This also means that I pray to the god’s of Sally Hansen and Venus, while Sunday dinner includes 17 courses of carbs and sometimes meat sauce. I require constant attention – more so then a newborn puppy that is birthing a newborn child. I’m really awesome to be around because I can hang with the guys, that is until we date and then my goal when I wake up every morning will be to make your life as difficult as possible (I’m working on this one, I swear). My personal style includes that of a 16 year old boy, a stripper, and Slick Rick. I’m in sales by day and the entertainment business by night so I’m a boldface liar and often times put myself in risky situations to further my career. I’m sexually insatiable and require hours of foreplay before you put your man penis anywhere near my really tight, awesome vagina. I take immense pride in my sex hair and how well I perform in bed (how my hair looks above? Yeah, that’s pure luck. It never looks that good, especially when I go out). I could really care less where you went to school, what you do for a living, how big your wallet is, or if you live with your mom because to be honest, your knowledge of ’80s movie trilogies and the size of your car’s engine are much more important to me. If we end up dating and you choose to sleep around, I accept bribes. On that note, I can tell you now, we won’t date. If you’d like to get to know me better, please message me with a creepy headline such as “Older Gentleman Seeks Under-Age Looking Female – FREE RING POPS!” HOLLLLLL@@@@@@@
If you assholes couldn’t tell, I’m thinking about joining a dating website. My love life has been in the shitter and until writing this little blurb about myself I couldn’t tell why. Kidding, I’m awesome! And, I don’t think I’d join a website based around sorting through douche bags to find my Prince Charming. I don’t think that Prince Charming is chillen online waiting for me to join his site. No way. My Prince Charming is busy in front of the mirror, staring into his piercing blue eyes, fixing his gorgeously-styled, dark, tussled hair, trying to figure out where to put his next tattoo on his perfectly chiseled, rippled bod, while debating which guitar he wants to serenade me with and if wants to pick me up in his lambo or on his unicorn. I’d probably go out with Prince Charming a couple times, I’d find out we have nothing in common and the sex can only get me so far, so we’d break up. This is why these websites don’t work! The person looks great on paper or in their picture, but when you meet them, they’re absolutely nothing like what or who you thought they were. This is because no one is perfect. My real-life Prince Charming is actually nothing like the above gentleman I described, though he would make a great fuck buddy and a great tool to make biddies jealous. Most people are weird or crazy by nature; we have weird ticks, or QUIRKS, as I like to say. The person of your dreams will most likely piss you off a lot of the time because it will frustrate you how much you want this person but how much their of their personality doesn’t fit with yours. The nail biting, the chronic masturbation, the stupid shows they watch, the way they drink their chocolate milk etc. – it just goes against what we believe to be our soul mate.
Now, back to dating sites, first of all, this shit is a waste of time. Half the pictures and people are fake. Do you really think Victoria Secret and Calvin Klein models need a crappy dating site to meet people? Fuck no. That’s why they’re attractive; they don’t need to meet anyone, people meet them (models and I share this problem). Anyway, you start chatting away with a “hottie” and next thing you know you’re on To Catch A Predator, and I don’t mean as the old guy talking to Chris Hanson. No way, they have you on there as the bait. “Hi, I’m just going to towel off my 13 year old dripping hot bod. But I made you some ice tea!” Totally used and played because some creeper lied and you didn’t run an illegal background check before meeting them. Secondly, you have to sort through all the assholes. Yeah, the guy with the tribal tat, making out with his pit-bull, on top of his Chevelle. “Hey baby, wanna come take a ride in my car with me and Michelle? That’s my pit-bull terrier. She’s a rescue and she’ll always sleep in our bed”. There’s about 500 of those guys for every 1 half decent guy with a desk job and no kids. Guys, you have it worse…all the fatties hitting you up for mustache rides and what not. You’d be doing them the biggest favor ever just to tell them to go to the gym and get some self-esteem (and no, self-esteem isn’t a flavor of Jenny Craig snack bar). Finally, and this is the most important, the dating game just sucks. I don’t like playing good cop, bad cop with a person who is really just trying to get in my pants. Like I said, it’s a game. It’s just knowing what to say and getting what you want; it’s so easy that it’s sickening. If you actually meet someone that’s a good fit for you, there won’t be a need to play such games. It’ll just work. It’ll just happen. All these sites are good for are rebounds and people looking to get laid. Other than that, you’re wasting your time. Pick up a hobby.
*5/8 people continued to look for a good dating website and clicked here . Holy fuck…$60/month?!
