A Broad By Any Other Name Would Smell Just As Grimy
After chit chatting with a particular ex boyfriend of mine today, I realized that I have quite a few choice names for a lot of un-choicely girls. For some reason, the names that men once gave women to degrade them are now used by other girls to ruin their day. I try not to hate on girls nearly as much as I used to, but still to this day, it’s difficult for me to get stupidskankyslutfuckbitchtitsfattywhaleheaddicklickingwhore out of my vocabulary. “But Kerry! Aren’t you kind of a feminist type of gal? Aren’t you all for girl power and all that type of shiz?” Well, yeah, but these names weren’t created without good reason. Girls get so pissed about the things that they’re called, but sometimes it’s deserved, and honestly bro, you fucking use them too! I can honestly say that I’ve been many of these names before. And because of that, I’m going to explain a list of the most common.
1. SLUT: One of the most common things to call a girl. A slut is a girl who is a really cute widdle cheerleader type, with the perfect life and for some reason I picture her to have perfect blonde hair and the best clothes and the hot boyfriend on the lacrosse team and maybe she happens to show up to a party I’m at and I dump beer on her. ANYWAY. These types of girls eat up being perfect; everyone knows this girl as being the epitome of what you would want a daughter to be. But oh no. Sluts have a dark side. They’re incognito sex addicts. They fuck so much that their vagina could potentially scare away Chuck Norris wielding a black hole. They probably require ecstasy to get off and use double-sided dildos as tampons. They’re just all about it and will NEVER tell you.
2. WHORE: Whores are always brunettes. Hate to say it, but it’s true. Much like sluts, they’re also sex addicts, but they’ll straight up tell you. One minute you’re getting your nails done, gabbing away with Yi Cho, and the next thing you know, a girl you’ve never met sits down next to you and says “I just got tag teamed in the McDonald’s bathroom across the street.” And then the out-cast Brazilian doing her nails rounds them instead of squares them and she throws a fit and you get distracted. But then, you remember what this girl just said. Like really? Yep. That’s why I respect whores – not because they have sex, but because they’re honest.
3. SKANKS: No constrictions on this. These girls are showy to say the least. They LOVEEEEEEEEE taking pictures of themselves and posting them online for attention. You don’t think they get laid at all, but they actually have more STD’s than any of the other names. I don’t know how it works. Maybe it’s the camera’s fault. Whatever it is, they’re oozing with the clap.
4. BITCH: Bitches are usually wives. I don’t know why, but that seems to be the evolutionary cycle of women. Like you got your Charmander, then Charmeleon, and then Charizard. But for girls, it’s like little girl, hot sexy chick from the bar I fucked, and then finally pregnant bitch wife. The title of bitch is usually brought on by a bitch move. A “bitch move” is an act that is totally going to fuck up a dude’s day ie unplugging the Xbox mid Call of Duty session because he won’t listen to his significant other complain about her ticking ovarian time bomb. Side note – a “stuck up bitch” is a girl that you would meet at a bar. You buy her a drink and instead of having the decency to talk to you, she walks away with the drink and chalks it up with some other douche bag.
5. CUNT: Girls HATE this one. Men should be warned to never use this on or around a girl for fear of castration with a blunt rusted nail jutting out from an even rustier pipe covered in feces. I’ve done some pretty cuntly things before, mostly with the aid of vodka. There’s nothing really specific that signifies a cunt move. It’s basically just like a bitch on steroids, but instead of doing something rude, it’s a move that’s hurtful and messes with the emotions. Ladies, honestly, and I hate when men are right, but if a guy calls you a cunt, it’s probably within reason. They may think with their dicks, but they have feelings too.
6: BID/BIDDIE: I use this one all the time. Biddie can go one of 2 ways. It can be used to describe a close group of friends – “Holla @ mah bids”, “Love My Biddies xoxoxogayshitxoxox”. It can also be used in a discriminatory way. A biddie is like a cliche state univeristy (for some reason I picture Umass, go figure) type gal. She follows all the trends, even the fucking god-awful hideous ones. She’s that girl walking to her 8am discussion on Friday with leggings, uggs, Northface, and her Indiana Jones satchel. Total greasy as fuck hair cuz she puked last night’s Rubinoff in it, but it’s straightened and she has her Snooki tan on. And she probably has jizz in her teeth. There are millions of her and she’s not special whatsoever, but she always has a pen for me to borrow to do Sodoku because I seemed to only bring a sneaky snack and my Ipod to this class.
7. BROADS (synonym – chick): A broad is a tough one to explain. Broads are just fucking stupid girls. Like when a girl does something utterly intelligent, disgusting, or turn-offy, she’s a broad. It can also refer to a whatever girl, kind of like the Blockheads on Gumby. “Sorry I missed our souffle night, I was fucking this broad”. They’re never worth anything other than a rain forest for your dick to go in. I like to keep it positive though. If I like ya, I’ll call you a classy broad.
8. CRAZY [INSET NAME]: Yes, newsflash dude, GIRLS ARE FUCKING NUTS. I’m not only crazy, I’m insane. It makes no sense to me why guys are bewildered by this. Every girl is crazy, even the cool ones. We yell, we scream, we fight, we argue, we’re conniving, we’re scary. How do you think we get to be so good in bed? Be careful, because if she’s from the old country – any southern European country that produces fucking dope ass girls who are cursed with being grease monkeys and/or possessing Yeti hair – you’ve got it twice as bad. But c’mon now, sometimes we’re crazy in a good way like crazy fun!!! Wooohooo! And I mean, if you bled from your vagina, you’d be crazy too.
9. PSYCHO: Psychos are a special kind of crazy. Psychos are girls who have been stuck in limbo between girlfriend and wife for far too fucking long. They’ve either been dating the kid for years who doesn’t attempt to make it more, or have been dating the guy that promised too soon and never followed through. We, ahem erm, excuse me, psychos get labeled as psychos because they begin to get so frustrated with their significant other that they nit-pick about every little thing. They start fights just because the make up sex is the only reliably good thing in their relationship. The fix for this – break it off, or suck it up and get married and stop being a fucking pussy queef about things.
10. NAG: These are the worst things. Nags are awful. They whine and bitch and complain constantly. There’s no pleasing them. They were once super awesome, cool babes and they’ve now been transformed into nags, kind of like the dominatrix queen in Snow White and her creepy old lady one-eye-bigger-then-the-other-massive-growth-on-your-nose alter ego. Girls that are nags deserved to be left. Hands down. Sorry sweetie, but men aren’t servants that you can turn into your little companions for shopping dates and book clubs. They still gotta keep up their man hood and you’re ruining it. MEN – GET OUT NOW. YOUR DICK WILL MELT AWAY THE LONGER YOU STAY WITH THIS CHICK.
That’s 10 and I’m exhausted. But there you go. Moral of the story is that girls need to get less offended when they’re called one of these names and people as a whole need to stop hating on bitches so much. If you’re ever called one of these names, you probably deserved it. Don’t get so fucking offended when you purposely dump a drink on a dude that he just bought you with his hard earned paycheck because he asked you out and you wanted to look like “THAT BITCH” to your gaggling gang of girlfriends. That guy probably busted his ass to pay for this night out, and at least decline politely. And guys, please remember that not all girls deserve what you call us. If you’re being a fucking psycho creep and reading a girl’s texts over her shoulder and throwing in your 2 cents, don’t be so surprised when she gives you a disgusted look and walks away. She’s not being a bitch; you’re being a pussy for not growing a pair and talking to her properly. We all know guys and girls don’t fucking understand each other from a hole in the wall, but for realzy dicks and vaginas go well together so let’s make it work for the sake of your sex life. Unless you’re fuck the same sex. Then you’re off the hook, except for years social persecution ahead of you.
*0/10 people are excited for my follow up rant on names biddies call dudes. BUT I AM ;D
