Would You Like To Watch A Movie? No, I Would Not Like To Have Sex With You.
People like to have sex. That’s a known fact. It fights boredom, obesity, and depression. It’s usually free, it feels awesome, like why not right? The issue is getting there. For girls, it’s not really too difficult. I mean, if I really wanted, I could walk into a Cumberland Farms right now, talk to Tim the cashier, complete with his GED, 1989 I-ROC Camaro, and Godsmack tee and get it on in the public restroom – Finding someone worth while is a different story. Guys on the other hand, need skills. They know that they’re running the risk of being replaced by a $30 pocket rocket. So they’ve cultivated certain strategies to make sure that this doesn’t happen. Unfortunately, these strategies are fucking queer.
1. “Wanna come watch a movie”: The number one most used line to get in a girl’s pants. If someone asks me this, I’m always like “Fuck yeah! Dude, this new scary movie came out and I wanna watch it so bad and and…” and then I remember what this actually means – “Come over so you can suck my dick”. Like, I don’t know, maybe I actually wanna fucking watch the movie? Stop edging closer to me. Stop using the one-arm-over-my-portion-of-the-couch technique. I can see you staring at me out of the corner of my eye; it’s creepy. How did this “trick” even come about? Like, if it was 1957 and you wanted to do it in the back seat of your Buick at the drive in…sure maybe. But for real, how old are you to use that line? Wanna go play 7 minutes in heaven after so you can get your braces caught on my lip? Let’s get serious. The worst part of it all? The girl always ends up making the first move. ALWAYS. Biddies, don’t put up with this shit. I’ve made guys wait entire movies just because I actually wanted to watch the movie. I don’t give a fuck if you’re plotting in your corner how to get my pants off, I WANT TO TELL THAT BLONDE SLUT AND HER BLACK GUY FRIEND TO NOT GO INTO THE BASEMENT.
2. “Hey, let’s get dinner”: I like this one. I love food. I love eating. I’m getting chicken fingers. OOOH! And a side of honey mustard. The issue here is after eating. Ok, so we’re done and its like 7 o’clock. Now what? There are 2 routes one can take. Option A: “Well, its pretty early. Wanna come back to my place and watch a movie?”. Or, option B: “Wanna stay and get drunk?” I don’t know about you but if I’m already at a place that serves alcohol, I’ll stay there rather than go to your skeezy apartment. Then I’ll proceed to get drunk, not go home with you and spend the evening cuddling with my stuffed penguin naminal friends. Hey guys, here’s a friendly tip – As much as I fucking love food, be a little more spontaneous than this cliche shit. I’m not saying make it ooze with romantic rose petals and bath salts and gross shit like that, but dude, if you ask me out, put some thought into it.
3. “I just picked up some really good [insert illegal controlled substance here]...”: Please note the … because legit, that’s how it goes. Thanks for putting that on me to appear that incredibly in need of your stash. Like you really think I’m dumb enough to think to myself “Gosh, I’m going to be such a sneaky little slut and pull a snort and screw with this chumps drugs” and then be overcome with erotic thoughts and fall victim to the massive elephant trunk in your pants? No. Sorry. If I wanted to smoke, blow, drink, inject, or rectally insert drugs into my system, I’d buy them myself. Let me weigh the options here – Ok, I can get fucked up for free and get stuck potentially getting raped for the night, ORRRRR I can spend the evening melting Triple C’s in my kitchen, watching Sex and the City and eating mac n cheese. THE OPTIONS. Point here being that if you need to bribe a girl with drugs to get her to come over, she’s probably a fucking hooker or she’s 15. It’s just grimy.
4. “Wanna come [insert some boring event or place that’s a fucking million miles away] tonight?”: To be completely honest, no. I don’t want to drive to fucking Town Fair Tire in Tewskbury because your friend from middle school works there and owe’s you some money. That sounds fucking awful actually. Not only do I not want to be shown off and introduced to your friend like I’m your girlfriend of 3 years, but I don’t want to be stuck in the car with you. No matter what, this dude will create more shit we have to do just so he can eat up my night because he’s too incompetent to actually understand that this is completely fucking up any shot he’ll ever have with me. And no, I will not give you road head. I DON’T CARE IF YOU JUST PICKED UP A BLUNT WRAP. See how this is all related?
I don’t have a fifth thing. So this is just a top 4 list. Deal with it. Look guys, stop trying so hard, plain and simple. 2 roads you can take here, ok? If you wanna just get a quick little fuck fest in while you’re on a break from your girlfriend or whatever, be honest. If you’ve got some bid in mind, and you’ve been talking and she seems interested, just ask her. Biddies love dick. They’ll never tell you that but what the fuck do you think we talk about when we’re in a large group. Sex, dick, fucking, orgasms, cum, and all this other raunchy shit. We love it. If I was interested in someone for strictly sex, I would have the decency to tell them. I don’t have time to play these games with you sir. You don’t even give a fuck about foreplay, why do you want to beat around the bush here (ew, irony, gross). What’s the worst that could happen? She’ll say no? She won’t talk to you? Ok dude, you’re only in it for the sex, there are many other vaginas out there, move on.
The second route you can take, if you actually want to get to know this girl, is plain and simple. Be yourself and plan something that looks like it took effort. Put on a nice button down and make her dinner. Get some wine. Don’t feed her compliments constantly. Get her talking about something that you know you’ll debate about – nothing fight worthy, but something she’s passionate about. She probably looks damn good, but don’t manhandle her, fix her necklace or another simple touch. And I know you’re probably thinking with your dick long before this point, but when it comes down to it, don’t be sloppy. Don’t shove your tongue in this chick’s mouth so hard that she gags on it before you’re even thinking she would be choking on anything this early into the evening. Kiss her slow, in as many places as she’ll let you and take it from there. And most importantly, eat this girl out. Pretend you’re in a zombie apocalypse and her vag is the last sirloin steak on the planet. Ohh, you don’t do that? You don’t like that? FUCKING TOO BAD. Until your balls stop smelling like fish guts harvested from a dead man discovered in the bottom of the ocean, buried under the Titanic, you have no say in this matter. Oh and back massages don’t hurt either. And if you’re a biddie that doesn’t like oral sex, you should immediately shut down your computer and drive off a bridge. That is all.
*9/10 men are asking themselves how I got to be so smart and 10/10 biddies are now begging their significat others for a little lick n stick.
