New Year's Eve = Sorry Excuse For A Holiday
It could just be that I dislike things involving winter and cold and my freezing vagina. That’s a very likely possibility. But personally, I feel like NYE is such a cop out of a holiday and people go bananas for it. Everyone gets so worked up about this one day of the year, and I have no idea why. They must seriously enjoy fucking up the date until March. February 2nd 2011—-fuck fuck fuck cross out erase “LAUREN HAVE DO YOU HAVE ANY WHITE OUT OVER THERE?!” It boggles my mind and not in the fun board game way.
I understand the holiday in concept. It sounds good on paper like most of the things I rant about. OK, so this shitty year is over, so let’s look forward to the future. Let’s re-do something we dislike about ourselves and really try to make the coming year super dee duper awesome. Along with that, people get FUCKING HAMMADRUNK. And you would think “Gosh Kerry, I’m almost positive you’ve tried to turn Martin Luther King Day into some sort of rendition of the 4th of July at one time or another”. That may or may not be true, but nonetheless, that’s fun, it’s unexpected. People who don’t drink or do anything any other day of the year are throwing ragers, buying up the liquor stores, skyrocketing the prices, and driving drunk into Churches. They’re unaccustomed to the lifestyle. They keep all this pent up partying aggression inside until one day they get it all over themselves like a wet dream. It’s embarrassing. It’s embarrassing that people like this are responsible for my NYE plans, but it is also equally embarrassing that people who go out on a regular basis get all riled up.
Like “I’M GUNNA GO OUT WITH MY BIDS AND MY DUDES, I’M GUNNA DRINK A ASSLOAD OF CHAMPANGE AND GET REALLY WHITE GURL WASTED AND...oh yep, this sounds like every other night of my life. Oh, and there goes the ball. And Dick Clark still looks like the crypt creeper. Now, where can I stuff my face at this hour?” My point exactly. It’s not like you buy nicer champagne. I know I’m still chugging a bottle of Andre. Maybe steppin’ it up and getting a $9 bottle of knock off rozay. Going out on NYE won’t end in a prince charming story. You’ll end up running into an ex, or running into a psycho, you won’t meet the man of your dreams on NYE. That’s beyond cliche and written into far too many movies to happen in real life. You’re going to stay up just as late, go home alone, stopping at the drive thru on the way home, and then spend the next day hungover as balls, watching Law & Order and Family Guy. It’s like everyone gets to be themselves for the day and all the people that don’t do this on a regular basis gets to know what it’s like to be a drunk, single fuck up for the day. Self esteem boost for the rest of us!
In terms of resolutions, what do most people choose to resolve? “I’m going to go to the gym, I’m going to eat better, I’m going to drink less, I’m going to swear less, I’m going to treat people better etc”. So basically, for the next 2 weeks, my gym will be packed, I’ll look like a fat ass at Little Ceasar’s, I’ll have to drink alone, I’ll be burned at the stake for my mouth, and I’ll look like the bad guy when I tell people to fucking move at the grocery store because the cereal isle hasn’t changed in 5 years and they’ve spent the last 10 minutes going back and forth between Chex and Life. I have enough people telling me how awful I am every other day of the year that I spend 364 days trying to better myself. This one day a year, I’m not going to give a fuck about anything, especially not bettering myself. That way, when everyone realizes that their resolutions were worthless, I’ll be ahead. Something along the lines of that ant who worked hard all winter while the grasshopper played and frolicked. Who’s the ant now bitch? This guy right here.
No matter what I say, it won’t matter. People will still make a big production of NYE. I know I look smokin’ effing hot in all black and I feel damn fancy with my flute, erm ahem, 3 bottles of champagne. I know I’ll do it. But like, honestly, live it up like that all the time. Tuesday is an excuse in my book for champagne with friends. Enjoy life, even when you’re not going crazy. Relax, take time for yourself and enjoy the little things. Don’t make up a big resolution once a year – take baby steps to progress. Work toward happiness and celebrate what you have. But by all means, use this as an excuse to drink excessively and kick off 2012 in a slew of bad life decisions.
*6/10 people said “Oh fuck…” when they realized I was talking about 2012. Yeah, we’ll be dead in a year. Get herpes while you still can.
