SKiNNiGuRL DR4NkS
Lolz, this is how it all starts. We’re all super skinny, super hawt, and super underage. Gettin’ hammadrunk in this bitch. Dudes handing you drinks like its 2012 and they’re about to die a virgin. Then before you know it, you’re 19 – erm ahem – 25, the booze and the drunchies catch up to you and you end up looking like Ursula from Unda Da Sea. Shit is not a good look at all. Biddies, I feel ya. Now, a lot of my friends are obsessed with these Skinnygirl drinks, or some sort of combination of them. At first, it was just like 1 or 2 people but now it seems like everyone I see at the bar is tossing one of these bad larry’s back. Basically some lady invented this magical pre-mixed drink in a bottle with everyone’s favorite flavors like Cosmo and Sangria and so on, but they’re not chock fulla calories like normal drinks. This trend caught on, drinking establishments started to make their own renditions and before you know it I’m the last bitch at the bar not sipping on a vodkawaterlimelemonjizz cocktail. I don’t think people realize that they’re wasting their time.
The main crowd for this type of beverage are biddies looking to get plastered but also watch their figure. I respect that 100%; no one wants to be the fupa-ed whale at the bar. I like the idea in concept. I do. What they don’t tell you when they inform you of how awesomely low the calorie count is how much a serving size is – 4 oz. FOUR FUCKING LIQUID OUNCES. Do you know how many four ounce drinks it would take me to get on an enjoyable level? About 12. Ok, so I can drink 12 4oz drinks at 98 calories a piece or drink 6 8-32oz drinks at 120-170 calories and get just as drunk and would have consumed half the calories. What? That sounds like some sort of booze hound ponzi scheme right there. I want to get drunk as cheaply as possible, I don’t want to do math or pay extra for this fancy “reduced” calorie shit in a bottle. It’s mah body, I’ll eat taco bell and drink juice if I want. PS – pay attention because they make beer like this too – 55 calories at 3.2%. You do the math.
In terms of people that drink the made up bar version ie vodkawaters, vodkaseltzers etc, that’s a different story entirely. Now, some people like the taste, and that’s cool. I know I only add seltzer to my vodka to be more socially acceptable, so I’m guilty of it too. No one wants to start a conversation with the girl throwing back an absolute on the rocks. But then there are those people who are CONVINCED they get “more drunk” off of a drink like this. You know what I do when I want to get drunk? I grab one of my more attractive and interesting friends, make friends with a local bar-goer or bartender and get the hook up. I’m talking about “Sorry ladies, we’ve run through the entire supply of 1800, all we have left is Jose”. Rippin’ shots, going balls to the walls, not giving a fuck. Gauranteed I will get into some sort of altercation with another person at the bar, a bouncer, my friend, the sink in the bathroom, the jukebox when the music stops etc, but that’s how you do it! You don’t water down your alcohol with water and a little spritz of some concentrated juice shit. No way dude, you get a bottle, multiple glasses of mixer and you sit down and annoy the fuck of everyone around you. No better way to get drunk then that.
I’ll also note here that skipping meals to drink IS FUCKING RETARDED. I’m pretty sure I learned that golden rule when I was 16. And trust me, I’ve done it by mistake too, I’ve been running around, watching movies, before I knew it, it’s 9 and I’m still in yesterday’s undies and can’t find my deodorant. Yeah, that shit’ll get you wasted in a drink and 3/4’s but then you’ll be hunched over your best friend taking a piss, youking your brains out at 8pm. That’s not a good look [pack a snack biddies just in case]. No matter how fucking skinny you are babygirl, it won’t matter when you’re passed out shit tanked because you chose to stop eating past noon. Fuck is wrong with you? Wanna know what happens to girls who don’t eat when they plan on drinking? THEY SHIT THEIR BRAINS OUT. And I understand guys, I’m sorry, I know girls don’t poop but not only do girls who don’t get a meal in when they drink poop, they fucking explode. I’m sorry, that’s graphic. But think about it this way…Do you realize how much fucking sugar you’re putting in your body when you drink? “But Kerry, that’s why I drink these skinny girl drinks, so I don’t add extra sugar!” WRONG. Alcohol is supercharged concentrated sugar, that’s why you feel like a coked up celebrity billionaire for the first hour and then you bottom out like you’re a crackhead on Law & Order the next. But anyway, back to my point. Without anything balancing out that sugar, such as oh, I don’t know, FOOD, that shit’s just gunna go right through you. Literally. Your hot pink party dress doesn’t look so hot when it’s shit stained brown, in case you were wondering.
The moral of the story is that people are always looking for a way to look dope and not have to try. It’s basically like a vicious cycle we’re stuck in. You gotta go out to meet someone, so you drink, only problem is the drinking turns you into an over-sized repulsive wildebeest, thus scaring away potential customers, I mean husbands. Just to be clear, that pudgy potential fupa thing that all girls have, that’s the hardest thing to get rid of. You can try all you want, but biddies be aware, the drinking must go if you want that vagina-induced fat patch to go away. But look, for real, just go to the gym, it’s not that hard. Don’t eat out 24/7. And especially don’t eat at 4am after a night of drinking. 3 simple rules. Then you can eat and drink whatever the fuck you want and you want be the size of the big comfy couch. The end.
*9/10 biddies will think I’m crazy and not take my advice thus continuing on the path to zoo-naminaldom
