Chilluns On Leashes

First of all, I can’t blame that woman for showering her puppies with attention and wheeling them around. They are ADORABLE.

But the issue here is not in fact her gorgeous, twin Yorkshire Terriers, but rather that of her little hellion on a leash. Do I have kids? Fuck no. So I don’t really know how it works. From what I understand, children are somewhat like dogs in terms of how much attention they require but can talk and think for themselves making them mildly obnoxious as well as potentially hazardous. I come from an era of parenting that usually included, but was not limited to: getting chased down, spanked, yelled at, not allowed to leave the table until I finished the dinner that was in front of me, made to go to bed at a reasonable time, and you can bet your ass that if there wasn’t Armageddon going on outside, I had to be there playing. People my age (if you grew up somewhere in-between the mid ’80s and mid ’90s) would probably agree. Our parents didn’t raise us like mamby pambies for the wolves to come take us. No way, survival of the fittest.

Well, here’s the problem. The other day I was at the mall finishing up some Christmas shopping (I apologize if you’re Jewish or Kwanzanian and don’t understand what that means). But anyway, I was at the mall, and it was packed obviously. Friday night, a week or so before Christmas, and on top of it there were Bruins players signing shit for people…it was basically a Corporate America Cornucopia filled with goth tards, obnoxious teenagers, Mexican families, sports fanatics, pissed off employees that look like they’ll knife whoever interrupts their break, stay at home moms with their stay at home mom friends, and of course LEASHED CHILLUNS. This particular example that caught my attention may or may not have been actually [mentally disabled]. And then I was thinking – a [mentally disabled] kid on a leash? Dude, are you serious? Regardless of if he’s licking the floor or not, I’m surprised there’s not some league out there, like PETA or something that has come after this lady for keeping her [special needs] kid on a leash. That’s some One Flew Over The Cookoos Nest shit right there. I could totally see this mom saying “Just lock this kid up and give him a lobotomy”. And I just wanted to go up to her and tell her that [people with special needs] are people too and you don’t just put someone on a leash because they’re different. Seriously heartless bitch here the week before Christmas. Where’s mall security when you need them? (Potentially checking my ID to make sure that I’m not breaking mall curfew).

But then I realized that this kid wasn’t [mentally disabled]. He was stuck on all fours licking the floor because his mom gave him the world’s shortest leash. It was like a phone cord tied to a monkey back pack, that’s how much room this kid had to roam. Dora The Explorer potentially made this kid’s leash in her sweatshop. The mom was basically making this kid heel the way you do, or excuse me the way I do with my family’s dog because it’s not trained and dumb as rocks. You know, where you wrap the leash around your arm because the dog is too dumb to know to calm the fuck down while you walk it. And again, this just goes back to my point about kids and dogs. But whatever, this kid had no leash to move with! He’s stuck on all fours with his face to the ground because his mom is afraid that one of the Mexican families might kidnap him, while she’s stuffing her face with Auntie Annie’s. First of all, Mexican families have enough of their own, they don’t want your bratty white kid. Secondly, the only way to get this kid any closer to you would be to pick him up and shove him back into your uterus. And finally, whatever the hell you put on the end of a chillun’s leash, whether it be a monkey or a dog or a unicorn or a frog or if you’re on welfare and just have rope, it doesn’t matter! Your kid will still grow up hating you. There were still pedophiles and creepers in the 1950’s before anyone kept their hellions on leashes. There were still germs and diseases, there was still potential danger. But you know what parents did? Put the fear of God in their kids so they would stop running around, touching shit and crying. And like I said, I don’t have kids so I don’t know how it works. It’s probably super hard, actually I know it is, but don’t be putting your kids on leashes. Not only do they look [mentally disabled] but you as a parent are raising a red flag that you could potentially be Buffalo Bill from Silence of Lambs. It’s creepy, stop.

*[ ] = RETARDED.