DicPics
I don’t wanna burn myself out too soon into this blog. That’d be awful. But after ranting about facebook etc pictures, I remembered a conversation I had this past weekend. The very common topic came up of dick pictures. Before I say anything on this topic, I apologize that I didn’t whip mine out to post on the internet, but considering the shit I’ve been texted, I’d be thrilled with a nice hand drawn picture like the Tienanmen Square example above. That’s creative at the very least.
Anyway, first and foremost, if you’ve never been sent a dick pic, consider yourself lucky. Secondly, if you’ve ever sent someone a dick pic, DON’T EVER DO IT AGAIN. I can’t speak for gay men, but most girls, don’t like it. Honestly, when I see that shit in real life, I want to throw up. There are only 2 places I’d like your dick to be and neither of those places involve me actually looking at it. Looking at your veiny ass pepperoni stick is not a turn on. Last time I checked, my clitoris is not located in my retina.
Now back to the original argument, when I wake up from a good nights sleep to a picture sent at God knows what hour of your dick, I find myself to be so filled with a multitude of emotion. Should I be grossed out, angry, upset, weirded out? NO CLUE. This is why I usually don’t respond, or simply reply with an “OK”. I have no idea what the dick to even say to that. Lezzbee honest – girls don’t like waking up for morning sex. We do it because we love you and you usually make us breakfast after (OR EVEN BETTER, TAKE US OUT FOR BREAKFAST!). Now knowing that girls don’t like sex at the crack ass of dawn, do you really think we want to see your dick? Absolutely effing not. I do not want to wake up with the first thought in my head being, “all I can smell are balls”. The worst part of it all? It’s usually not someone you’re seeing or hooking up with already. It’s almost always someone you work with, your lab partner, or your guy friend that drank too much SoCo and whipped it out thinking you’d start boning him after all these years.
Guys, I get it, you like a nice picture here and there as a surprise – like hey, here’s me naked after a nice, hot shower, or here’s my bewbz, or here’s me playing with myself, here’s me chillen in nothing but this [insert random male clothing accessory]. I get it, I really do. That’s how you work. But REALLY, please don’t return the favor. If you want to send a picture to a girl, send one of yourself looking good, like when you’re getting ready to go out with your boys, or after you get some new clothes or a hair cut. Girls love that shit; we love saying to the stupid single (hay!) bids out there “LOOK HOW CUTE MY BOYFRIEND/FUCK BUDDY/DICK FOR THE DAY IS! HE SENT ME THIS PICTURE SO HE’S THINKING ABOUT ME! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!” And for the love of Christ, someone invent something that makes balls smell like mangoes or something unlike that of balls. That is all.
* 3/10 men quickly deleted their dick pics dating back to 2009. The other 7 promptly turned on Superbad to the dick drawing scenes.
