What I Would Give
I haven’t been right since Mac Miller died.
I feel like he took a piece of me with him and I haven’t been able to feel the same gusto for life that I once did. I’ve just become burnt out, worn down, and looking for a new outlet so I don’t throw myself out. It’s been an exhausting uphill battle for the last year and a half to be asked to throw events on “off” nights, be told only certain kinds of events are OK, and even when they do alright, it’s literally the worst thing in the world. I could’ve moved to NYC to LA but instead I chose to stay in Boston to make music work here, and now it feels like I literally have nothing. My life is at a standstill. It’s drained me of any want or desire to do anything honestly because patrons rarely appreciate anything until it’s so popular that tickets sell out instantly and venues don’t appreciate anything that doesn’t do thousands of dollars in bottle service. I understand both pieces to the puzzle well at this point and know their purpose but it doesn’t make it any less exhausting to my psyche.
I wake up everyday trying not to cope with that BULLSHIT ass SHIT known as alcohol but it’s tough when you hold onto pain subconsciously until you explode, only realizing the consequences of your actions 20 beer cans in and a girlfriend who’s upset with you because you haven’t gone to sleep and no friends around to talk to because you wouldn’t even want to if you could. It’s tough when you open facebook to post something funny to make other people laugh but all you can see on your feed is news articles about the arctic circle hitting an all-time high of 84 degrees, and women not being able to obtain the medical services they want, and animals getting abused, and an archaic two-party system with 100 year old rich twats making the choices for people that they have nothing in common with, and kids going to bed hungry because our foster system doesn’t have the money and manpower to cover all that is needed, and veterans who didn’t have a choice to fight ending up on the streets, and food making people sick because it makes our government money. I could go on for days. I’m trying just to smile, man. And have a good day. And not get that itch in my brain to throw my day away because my mania is masking my sadness. I wish I could be like anyone else and rely on the combination of coffee/weed/nicotine but none of those things have ever made those feelings dissipate. You’re lucky if you can tune out the sadness in the world and can be happy with your two lates, Juul pods, and joint after work. What I would give to not carry the weight of the world’s emotions in my chest...what I would give.
