I Write Until I Stop Feeling Sad

I like to spend a lot of my time home, watching the same, small group of TV shows I’ve watched for years. I make jokes about this pretty frequently, but until now I had never thought much about it. It makes me feel OK. Better then OK actually. I know it sounds silly and unhealthy but I feel like I’m friends with the characters and I’m a part of their lives as much as they are mine. I’ve found that friendships in real life shift and change at the drop of a dime. But the characters in my shows, our friendships stay the same. When the show ends and the series finale ties up all of the loose ends and things we hope for, I just start it over and get to meet my friends all over again. 

I have lots of friends, a few close, but most acquaintances, other DJ friends, and so on. I go to events quite a bit, I’m good with people, I’m outgoing, I enjoy having real conversations with people. But a lot of the time, even in a room full of people where I know everyone, I feel alone, distant, wishing for a something I’m not even sure is a tangible or emotional something to be wishing for. When I’m home, with my friends on TV, I don’t feel that way. I feel safe and content. I don’t feel lonely. 

I suppose we always hope to have meaningful relationships with others. The characters on TV are meant to make us feel that way, that’s what makes them characters. They’re written by a staff in Hollywood that gets paid a lot of money to make them relatable and close to us. Even the bad guys are sometimes relatable, or the good guys take a turn down a dark path. That’s what makes good TV. 

I’m not sure what I’m hoping for when I rewatch my favorite shows. Maybe it’s the calming waves that wash over me like the ocean in my dreams that things don’t need to change. That I can be part of something with a group of people who are kind and intelligent and funny and save the day. It’s not that I don’t like being Kerry, but sometimes it’s nice to picture myself in a different world with the characters I’ve become so familiar with and attached to. Sometimes I don’t want to be the outrageous, center of attention that always has to carry a conversation or get someone to laugh. Sometimes I wish I could be the quiet, kind girl I am when no one is around, when it’s just me and my TV friends. I’ve always found daydreaming to be far better then any vacation or party. It’s exactly how we want things, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. And it never has to end.