I Know What You Did Last Night In That Bathroom

So like all stories begin, I was at the bar last night. Now, most of my friends will tell you that when I go out, I don’t do it to meet that special dick of the week, say inappropriate things to people’s girlfriends, get my dance on (though I am a phenomenal dancer). No no, I go to people watch. It’s just convenient that my favorite place to people watch also serves booze. Last night, I was getting my people watch swag on per usual, but it didn’t really hit me until I walked in the bathroom…think about all the goofy fucking shit girls do in the bathroom. I actually sat on the counter for five minutes and just people watched. Here are my findings.Step 1: Walk into the bathroom and do and awkward deer-in-headlights walk by in front of the mirror. Bitches walk into the bathroom like motherfucking Biggie Smalls is looking them square in the face. I looked at myself when I woke up. I know I look sexy as all hell right now because in the last twelve hours I showered, put on eyeliner, and a bra which is light years away from where I was at 10 AM. It’s not like I got hit in the face or gained twenty pounds. I don’t need to stare myself down. Keep in mind here that I’m sitting on the bathroom counter in front of the mirror staring right back at bitches. But they’ll either walk by to a stall, stare at me like “Is this girl retarded?” or look at their ass. Whatever makes you feel good Glen Coco.Step 2: Now, what you do in the bathroom is your own personal business. You close that stall door and I don’t really need to know. You’re either puking, peeing, shitting, or fucking. And I’m pretty sure I’ve done all of those things in a bathroom stall with six other biddies crammed in there. But please (guys you don’t have to read this part for graphic, boner ruining information), if you’re trying to be fucking sneaky and flush the toilet and let out all your beer farts, at least get the timing of the toilet down properly and make sure you get it all out before the time runs out on that shit. And I don’t care who the fuck you are, but you know EXACTLY what the fuck I’m talking about. Makes no sense to me when there’s a DJ bumpin’ DMX throwbacks and you couldn’t here the coming of the Anti-Christ over the whistles in Party Up, but whatever. Also, I know you’re wondering why girls go to the bathroom together. Well, no one wants to be alone at the big scary bar with tons of creepy rapists around (just ask Liv and Elliot). But the reason why girls hang out in the stall together? We assume it speeds up the line and peeing process. Sometimes its just nice to have a friend.Step 3: Wipe your homegirl’s lip glow off of your neck, we all know that moaning “make me cum” isn’t code to tell the bid in the stall next to you to pass you the toilet paper. Just finish up whatever it is you were choosing to do in said bathroom stall. The best part is that girls can continue to have full blown conversations throughout the entire process. Girl walks into the bathroom beginning the story of “Becky is such a slut” and will finish up said conversation exiting the bathroom “And that’s why I don’t like that she’s friends with Nate on Facebook. Fucking Cancun”. Girls wait for everyone to be done peeing to leave the stall in case someone falls in or needs a tampon or something. But get your shit together nonetheless. Check yourself, make sure your undies aren’t tucked into your new top you just got for $39.90 from Forevvs but you don’t care because it was SOOOOO worth it (and on that note, if motherfucking Forever 21 thinks that they’re going to get $40 for anything in their licked together, Cambodian sweatshop clothing selection then they have another thing coming. Wet Seal knows, they know their shit is worth a penny, and that’s what you pay.) Make sure you don’t have toilet paper stuck to your shoes. Make sure you don’t have any embarrassing stains on your vaginal region. Just get your shit together Carol.Step 4: This is the kicker. Look at the fucking mirror AGAIN. AGAIIIIINNNN. Babygirl, if you think that blowing those chunks makes you look skinnier, I can promise you that it takes a couple tries for that shit to kick in. I don’t think your five minute bathroom stall experience changed your appearance all that much. You’re still as pretty as you were before, you’re still as tall, you’re still as fat, and you didn’t purchase a new outfit in there. The ONLY thing that should change your appearance would be if you snuck some guy in there and he gave you a lady blow jay and you now have a shit-eating grin on your face. Other than that, there is no need to look again. Oh, but you do. You wash your hands only so you can look up every half a second at your eyes like the seventh time you look up you’re going to have cat eyes or Brad Pitt will be standing behind you. Get some soap, look up, turn on the faucet, look up, wash hands, look up, turn off faucet, look up and on and on and on. The bid looks like she has OCD. It’s also probably making her uncomfortable that I’m sipping on my 1800 and cranberry, slurping away, and staring at her, still sitting on the counter but nonetheless, it’s weird.Step 5: Now you leave. You complain that there’s a dryer and no paper towels and either use the dryer or use your pants. I personally prefer my pants. Check your ass one more time, and then go to leave. But the second you walk out of that bathroom, you automatically have it together again. You could’ve had ass-raping diarrhea just now, but you get a slow motion movie entrance back into the bar. I know you’re thinking in your head “I’m the shit, all eyes on me, he’s eye-fucking me, he’s staring at my tits (well boobs, or breasts or whatever ladies are calling their fun bags nowadays), he’s staring at my ass, he’s cute but I’m not fucking him, I want him to buy me a drink” and so on and so forth. It’s almost like the bathroom is a separate dimension for girls to be absolutely disastrous, disgusting, and all around terrible. A fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. A dimension of not only sight and sound, but of vagina.So yes gentlemen, now you know the secrets of girls in public restrooms. Enthralling stuff but rest assured that not everyone is having mass lesbian orgies in the bathroom, though if that was the case, I would be the PT Barnum of that shit, selling tickets in my STEP RIGHT UP HEAAAA voice. It’s very rare that girls hump in the bathroom or flash each other or compare vaginas or whatever the fuck you think we do. It’s still gross though and weird and ritualistic so trust me when I say, you’re not missing much. Take comfort in knowing that you shake your dick over a communal piss tub and dip out, no questions asked. It’s the easy way out. That is all.*4/10 people are pondering how much time I’ve spent in men’s public bathrooms. Well, a lot. The line is nonexistent and there are always stalls open. It’s not like they’re any dirtier than the shit I’ve seen in women’s public bathrooms. Girls are gross.