My Commute Tends To Eat Up All Of My Give-able Fucks For The Week
I honestly do not care about all the combative answers you will be able to come up with in response to this post. I fucking hate my commute to my office. Yes, I understand I typically only have to be into my office one or two days a week. Yes, I understand I could move to Boston and be closer. Yes, I understand it could be worse. But at this point in time, how about you shut the fuck up and let me bitch. I don’t know what it is about my Monday morning commute to my office, but there are days I hate it more than days where I have to drive three hours away to a customer site. Why? Because of every other person who is also commuting has the IQ of a paper plate covered in dog shit.
The way I look at it…we’re all going to work. Like who the fuck would wake up and jump in the car to get somewhere between the hours of 8-9AM other than those of us going to work? “I have to get in an early day sight-seeing in the heart of one of America’s most historic cities! I’m going to beat the 11AM rush at the Freedom Trail! I know we just had a blizzard but I better rush to book those early bird tickets on a Duck Boat! There’s only one in the entire world and I want to get a great seat come April! Go me!” We’re all going to work. But my question is, if we’re all going to work, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING 60 IN THE FAST LANE?!”. I understand your license plate says Rhode Island and we’ve already talked about your special needs driving abilities in past posts, but don’t you have to be at work at 8? So why are you driving like it’s 5 AM and we have all the time in the world? Even if you are that asshole commuting to the Freedom Trail in the middle of the winter, it’s safe to assume that you want to get there in a timely fashion. Or is this actually part of your grand scheme to get there by May when its warm out? If that’s the case, then perhaps I can interest you in some back roads where you can aimlessly drive around, lollygagging, sipping your dunks iced coffee like it ain’t no thang. Who is this person riding your ass? Me, the girl who is on her way to work, you know, like a fucking job where you have to be on time. Clearly you work at ShowUpWheneverTheFuckYouWant Inc. and Mr. IDon’tGiveAShitIfYou’reOnTime is your boss and everyday you get a big gold star on your time sheet for being the bestest retard you can be. Because you sir, are excelling at this commuting thing about as well as my parent’s dopey Golden Retriever who has gouged her own eyeball out by running into their coffee table.
I’m also a little interested in all of these “accidents” that seem to happen. I’m stuck in bumper to bumper traffic, regardless of if there is an accident or not. So my question is, how are these fucking accidents happening if no one is moving anywhere to begin with? No, I’m serious! How does that shit even happen? What? Someone just doesn’t give a fuck every week and goes flying at 80mph into another car? How the fuck do they even get up to 80? I don’t remember the last time I was driving to work where my car was going over 50 on the highway. Cell phones you say? Who are you talking to at 8 in the morning? Seriously, fucking who? If it’s 8AM, you are either sleeping, driving to work, or already working. 8AM is not chit-chat, nonsense time. It’s get a coffee, drive to work, turn-up-the-radio-loud-enough-so-you-don’t-fall-asleep time.“But Kerry, I haz emailz Nd stuff durrr”. Oh, emails? You mean fucking work emails? Like you’re that anxious to be at work that you’re checking work emails on your way to work. Are you setting yourself up to sound like a fucking Xzibit Meme? You know what? How about from now on, you just head on into work on Saturday if you’d like to be so on top of work emails? Why don’t you just shoot right in there, I’ll even let you sleep in until 10, and you can take care of all the fucking work emails you want so that when Monday morning rolls around, you’re not causing accidents on what is usually the worst day of the week anyway.
Monday morning commutes are not for the meek or timid. No, no. They’re for those of us who drive like asshole Guineas year round to have an excuse to actually do so. So I’m curious as to who those people are who find it necessary to drive like Billy Baker, the fresh-faced 16 year old boy who just got his paper permit. You drive to the same job every fucking day. You know exactly what the road looks like. You know exactly what traffic will be like. Why are you merging onto 93, like you are playing the backwards highway level in Mario Kart? This isn’t a rotary. You have nothing to be afraid of. There is no Troll Toll, there is no quick sand, there is no drop-off into a fiery hell pit. This is 95 North, a highway you are on, every fucking day. DRIVE LIKE YOUR BALLS DROPPED. I don’t have any time to deal with you when I’m swerving in and out of lanes, trying to find the one with the least amount of Neanderthals, Asians, and old yuppie ladies. Fucking move. And don’t look at me like I’m crazy when I hop back in front of you after switching lanes. It looked like a winner, turns out it wasn’t for me. Back off.
Moral of the story is that I am thankful for not having to deal with a serious commute everyday. It’s a very large perk of my job. But with today being the lone day I do have to go into my office, I’m a little worked up. So people, please be careful when you drive, drive like the wind Bullseye, and stay the fuck out of my way. That is all.
*5/10 people are wondering why I don’t take the train to work. Well, that’s because the last time our wonderful MBTA trains were looked at, Truman was making the order to Hiroshima and they’re about as unreliable as pulling out.
