The New Kid In My Office Reminds Me Too Much Of The RMV

My boss hired a new kid in my office and today was his first day. I don’t like him at all. That’s a bad start. Usually I at least give people a solid week. But not this kid. I didn’t even think I’d have anything to write about today, but this kid gets his own post. Which is sadly more to say than anybody I have had sex with.

First of all, he’s a Jewish kid from Sharon. And I have nothing against Jews, but its way too hard not to point out. Kind of like if this was a story of Beemer-driving yuppie from Wellsley or a Pillhead Mick from Southie. But in this case, we’re talking about a Jewish kid from Sharon. Our introduction began during our Monday Morning Meeting. My sales manager was talking about how he finally saw Ted. Great movie and we spent the entire week before quoting the whole thing. You know what this new kid says? “Ted is so overrated! Wasn’t even that great of a movie!” .........I’m sorry. What? He got a healthy dose of Monday-Morning-I’m-detoxing-from-the-weekend “SHUT THE FUCK UP.” He then goes on to talk about another “great” movie – True Romance, which I’ll give him credit because its a Tarantino movie, but still. That’s like saying that you hate Titanic but thought that Nightmare on Elm Street really took the cake. That makes about as much sense as getting out of the ocean to pee. I don’t know anybody who thought Ted wasn’t that great. That’s un-Massachusetts-y of this kid. Let me guess, he doesn’t think that Family guy isn’t that funny either. Is it stupid? Fuck yeah, but its still hilarious. Does he even know what a sense of humor is?

I’d probably go with a big fat fucking no because I didn’t hear any jokes or funny shit come out of his mouth all day. And as for being un-Massachusetts-y, that’s a fucking given, because even though he was born, raised, and currently resides in Sharon…all he wanted to talk about was Pennsylvania. Everything about the state of Pennsylvania. Where he went to school, the “aesthetics” of Philly, Amish people, how bars are open until 4AM, how much fun he had. COOL FUCKING STORY BRO. I’m so thrilled for you. He tried telling another kid in my office that Brockton wasn’t that bad compared to Philly, and used Meek Mill as a footnote. Sweet Jesus shut the fuck up. YOU’RE A WHITE KID FROM SHARON WHO FREELY ROAMS THE SHITTY STREETS OF BROCKTON AT NIGHT BECAUSE YOU’RE TOO NAIVE TO REALIZE HOW DANGEROUS IT IS AND REFERENCES MEEK MILL IN REGULAR CONVERSATION.

Personally, I don’t give a fuck about Pennsylvania, so instead of listening to that go on, I asked him about a kid I know from Sharon. He said he didn’t know him, so I told him that it was fine because he was just a degenerate that I used to have sex, who then actually tried to get a job at our company that I promptly nipped in the bud. So he wants to crack jokes about my sex life and how I fuck degenerates the rest of the day. Whoa. Hold your fucking horses. You’ve worked here for an hour. Pretty sure you have to work here for at least a month to make side comments about my sex life. Because you don’t know me, my sense of humor/what humor is, or my vagina.

And speaking of vagina, I’m pretty sure the phrase, “I don’t have friends that are girls” came out of his mouth. Thanks for that update from the sand box Timmy Talks Too Fucking Much. That sounds like a cry for help from his penis. Roughly translated – “I’ve had a girlfriend before, but I only got 2 dozen hand jobs and 3/4’s of a blow job and girls make me nervous”. In fact, the only other thing he spoke about other than his yuppie prep school and past jobs in blow-your-brains-out finance, was if any of us knew any of his friends that are boys aka boyfriends. It was just all very confusing. Like the sexually confused beef stew and wine combination I had for dinner. Just testing the waters.

Moral of this story – if you’re the new kid, shut the fuck up, learn your fucking job, and don’t talk about my bad sexual choices after I admit that it that they were all bad ideas. Let me adjust to you first. But you know what? I’m glad we got that out of the way. Like, now that I know that I don’t like this kid, I won’t have to pretend to be surprised when everyone else doesn’t like him either.

*6/10 people are scrolling through my old posts to see if there’s smut posted about them on the internet.

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