Instagrannypanty Etiquette
It was bound to happen. I had to talk about this fucking Instagram take over and everything about it. Now, there are some of us (me) that don’t have Instagram and don’t understand it’s specific purpose and why it even exists. Mark Zuckerfuck owns the thing – why doesn’t he just add a nice little filtery thing to facebook and call it Instagram? Because he’s a greedy douchebag and is too ashamed to admit he owns something that uses hashtags. Anyway, I wanted to elaborate about the proper etiquette for those of you readers at home maybe looking for a new website to become addicted to. I don’t want anyone just jumping into Instagram the same way I jumped into hard drugs and unprotected sex.
Before we get into picture topics, let’s discuss how Instagram works. You take a picture, edit it with a cheap filter, hashtag the fuck out of it, and share it with the world. People like it or comment on it. It’s rocket science and everyone who signs up has to mail in a copy of their PhD into Zuckerfuck to use it. That’s why there are so many intelligent things being said and posted online. Glad we got that out of the way early on. Onward to topics brethren.
#enchilada #mexinight #bulimicgurlprobz #sourcreammakesmecum
Food is probably the most common thing that people post to their Instagram. It’s basically like saying “Fuck you. I’m eating this and you’re not”, without actually saying “Fuck you bitch. You’re fat, I would make fun of you with all of my friends if you posted this same picture on your shit”. It also leaves people under false pretenses that you can cook. I decided to upload this photo of my left over enchiladas from a box that I reheated and lathered in Siracha and Sour Cream. Fucking delicious. Nothing like a meal from tupperware to remind you how lucky you are that you already cooked yesterday. The color combination of the bright oranges of processed cheese, calming white of the sour cream and spicy hot red of the chili oil really off set the flow of the photograph. Looks good enough to eat and all those viewing should be jealous. Who’s Instafamous over Old El Paso Mexi-dinner? This bid right here. As a side note…I know I always talk about how I’ll never get married. I would marry Fat Free Sour Cream. Marry that shit in a second. Our honey moon would be delicious.
You can’t have food pics without having biddies post selfies to make sure people know how un-hefty they are. There are three common kinds of selfies: Actual Selfies, Goofy Selfies, and Body Shot Selfies. Dudes should take note here – when a bid comes up to you and asks to take a picture, ALWAYS take it the long way. She wants to show off her shoes and doesn’t want a close up of her moon crater face. I’ll also take this time to mention that if you’re a guy – quick little PSA here – and you have a fucking Instagram and take selfies – FUCKING JUMP OFF THE NEAREST OVERPASS INTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC. If you’re a celebrity and do cool shit, fine. But Instagram is such a fucking biddie app. Guys need to stop taking fucking homo-ass selfies. You know who thinks that shit is cute? 15 year old girls who think that Justin Bieber is the greatest musician to ever live. Not me, not my bids, and definitely not anyone you can legally have sex with. Ladies, next time you see some bro going ham on Instagram please comment with some sort of remark about the rouge on his cheeks and the dick up his asshole. Thank you.
#noassjusttities #ouch
Anyway, Actual Selfies are pictures of yourself (obviously) where you’re trying really hard to impress other people and you take like 25 of the same picture over and over again until your hair, make up, and face all coordinate to make yourself look like a fucking 28 out of 10. I decided to upload this here selfy of the day I got my tits done. I think I look great. My boobs are all nice and wrapped up, my hair looks soft, and I look like a naughty office slut in my Buddy Holly glasses. Not to mention you can see some food spillage on my bandage, only elaborating on the previous upload. Perfect.
#freemustacherides #saltlifeface #TGIF
Goofy Selfies are captivating shots that highlight how funny, cool, and down to earth you are. I was stuffing my face with tortilla chips at Friday’s this past weekend and I thought I’d give myself an edible mustache. The importance of Goofy Selfies aren’t really the pictures themselves, but more so the hashtags involved. I especially liked my “mustacheride” hashtag because it shows how down I am with guys and my ability to joke around with the bros. I mean, c’mon now, everyone knows that words are way funnier than pictures, which is why we upload everything to Instagram and limit the words we use to describe said pictures. Makes complete sense. Who wants to eat my stache?
#BodGurl #Vulptious #I’mtoosexyforyourmom
Body Shot Selfies are fucking dope city sexy. YOU! PEOPLE OF THE WORLD (join hands…start a love train…)! COME LOOK AT MY BODAAAAIIIIII! COME BEAT YOUR DICK TO ME!!!! COME GET DRUNK AND TEXT ME NAUGHTY THINGSZZZZ!!!! I love it. I don’t like to brag, but good lawd I have a sexy fucking body. I model and stuff. I’ve been in Vogue. French Vogue, Italian Vogue, Ugandan Vogue. All the big Vogues. And this is just it. This is why us sexy biddies have Instagram – to remind all you average ass sluts out there how fucking sexy we are without actually having to tell you and be cocky about it. I post a photo like this on the ‘book? I’ll get messages upon messages calling me a slut, and a bitch, and a fugly whore and I wouldn’t eat your box if you were the last girl on Earth and whatever else people have sent me in the past. I don’t let it phase me though because I’m beautiful on the inside too. At least, my insides feel beautiful when I make myself vomit after eating. And I’m proud to say that everything in this photo is 100% me, except for the b3wbz of course.
#biddies #rageface #cantevenseewhosinthispic #jkitslemonandbreezie
Then of course we have pics with friends! Grab a group of your best gal pals and take a picture of you guys at a club. Let’s have a competition to see who can take the grainiest, blurriest, most glowy bug-eyed shots so that everyone looks the drunkest they have ever been in their lives. And may or may not also be apart of the Zombie Apocalypse. Walking Dead Club Shots with my biddies. That’s that shit I do like. Or better yet, if you guys are all fighting right now, find a pic from about six months ago! No one would notice other than the fact you have a tan. Make sure that everyone is smiling and happy and is not showing any sort of distaste to that one tag along bitch you’re not really fond of, pay attention to the arm fat ratio, and hold on because it’s going to be a bumpy night full of spilled drinks, tears, and broken heels. God, girls are fun.
#hipsterbeer #suckysuckydrinkydrinkythreedolla
I guess that drinks and food go hand in hand, but the funny think about drinks is that instead of posting pics of food that you cook, you post pictures of drinks you went out to have. Even if you just sit at the bar and drink by yourself, people think that you’re super pretty and get asked out on dates all the time, have a ton of friends and go out every night of the week, or some sort of balanced lifestyle that I don’t seem to have whatsoever. The drink itself is usually extremely over-the-top and extravagant. Like something you don’t order all the time. Personally, I usually drink like a king. Top shelf or no shelf. So to show people that I’m really steppin’ out, I decided to mix things up and order a really classy PBR. Shit is smooth as a mother fuck. Goes down like an underage Asian hooker. Be jelly.
#hipsterariel #bitchcansing #nofilter #burningbush
Speaking of PBR, I can’t leave out E-Cards or Memes. What better way to show people all of the aspects of our personality than to post a humorous joke card or quip written and created by another person we don’t know! Halaaaaaaaarious. No filter at it’s finest indeed. Great angle to those pixels.
#deathbyvegas #callmenowforyourfreetarrotcardreadin #cinnamon
And of course, to finish with a bang, the whole point of Instagram…show how much fucking cooler you are than anyone else. Now, I haven’t actually gone to Vegas yet, but I’m going for my birthday. I’m just giving people a preview. Because I am that fucking cool. Now, I’m not Miss Cleo, so I can’t say fer sho’ if this is exactly how my Vegas vacation will go, but I’m pretty sure that this apparition of the future is way cooler than any legit vacation pictures that anyone has posted lately. So suck my dick. Go birthday!
Anyway, I just had to let people know how to use this wonderful app everyone is fucking OBSESSED with. Just in case you wanted to hop on that Titanic ship before it sinks. Because when it comes down to it, any app we love and use, can only go down. Facebook is about to run it’s crap shoot, then Instagram, and in three months when snap chat becomes the next big thing, it’ll shit it’s race car bed six months after that. This is why I just stick with one and keep my blog. The rest just doesn’t matter in the great internet circle of fake online life.
*4/10 people wouldn’t believe that these GORGEOUS edited pictures were actually done on a standard edition of Paint.
