Sure, I'd Love Your Opinion About My Boyfriend, Shit Talking Sally

Girls fucking love commenting on other girl’s boyfriend problems. I don’t know why or what it is about the whole aura of some other chick’s dude, but they never honestly know what they’re talking about. Sure, we’ve all been there, asked a friend for advice…WRONG FUCKING TURN PART 4, or whatever number that movie is on. Whoever you ask suddenly has all these deep, dark (double D up hoe, Dolly Part) feelings and ideas about how you should handle the situation and what you should say and how you should play things off. It’s overwhelming, its usually not what you would do, and it usually makes things a shit ton worse. So biddies, grab your nearest plowing device and go play bowling for bitch faces.

Now, why do girls do this? Let’s play the scenario game. Not quite as good as Plinko but it’ll have to suffice for now. So Sharon turns to Matilda and says “Matilda, my boyfriend Harold is being just a little bit mean. What’s a girl to do?” PAUSE. In this case, that’s an honest question. Boyfriends are mean. Plain and simple. They don’t buy us naminal friends, they don’t buy us boob jobs, and in all actuality, they’re cheating, trifling hoes (you know, the important things in life). As soon as the name Harold leaves Sharon’s mouth, Matilda goes into bitch face over load mode. Try saying that 10 times fast, instant cum stain when you get it right. Matilda just becomes so consumed with rage and aggression, it’s like fucking Predator in this bitch and all Sharon did was ask how to handle the situation. She goes from being sweet, widdle Matilda to Reptar in .42 seconds. So whatever, Sharon poses her question and then Reptar replies with the following tangent in the most obnoxious whiny cheerleady skank slut voice you can come up with: “To be totally fucking honest Sharon, I think you should tell him the fuck off. I think you should go out, get wasted, and say ‘fuck him. If you like it, well then, you should’ve put a ring on it’. And if you hook up with some one else, who careeees because you’re single for the night!!” And then Reptar does like a whitegurlwasted “WOOOOO” and then grabs her camera for pics. Ummm, I’m sorry, what?

First of all, why is there such a hatred toward this kid Harold? I’m pretty sure Sharon just said he was being mean. I don’t think the phrase “He beat me, put his Newport Lite out on me, and punched my cat in the eyeball” came out of this girl’s mouth. Like, “being mean” could be anything. Harold had a bad day at work and was short, Harold was being a 12 year old and gave Sharon a Dutch Oven, Harold wanted to watch the game and not talk about Sharon’s period. I don’t know. It could be a number of things. But none of those reasons are a reason to take your girl’s advice and go off and act like a drunken hooker. A simple conversation could solve any of those problems within 30 seconds. So what’s the issue? Oh right, girls have a nasty habit of only telling their friends when something awful happens. So in the last month, Harold has done four “awful” things and 30 good things. Guess what Matilda heard? The four bad things. Girls just do not chalk up their boytoys to be anything worthwhile. I mean at first yeah, because we want our other bids to get jealous, but then it’s just like you’re basically married and it’s all down hill from there. “Wah, this happened and Harold did this and now he’s texting her and having a beer with his friends and he didn’t buy me anything and wah”. Ok. So I’m starting to figure things out.

To Matilda, Harold seems like a shitty fucking dude. Like that douche bag that Drew Barrymore goes to marry in The Wedding Singer. That’s what she’s thinking. So to Matilda, what the fuck does she care what Sharon does? She thinks Harold sucks and wants her friend out of the situation. Is Harold a bad dude? No, probably not. He probably got home, jiggled Sharon’s bewbs a little too hard and she got annoyed. So there’s your cycle. Sharon bitches about how bad Harold is, Matilda hates Harold, Harold messes up again and so on. It’s just blown out of proportion. That’s all it is. Plain and simple.

That being said, there are instances where yeah, your friend is dating a meat head, frat boy or worse, a Lawrence Brother, and you just want that shit nixed. If he treats her like actual shit, knock him in the teeth and tell your friend to grow some fucking self-esteem and get a better dude or better yet, grow some fucking self-esteem and chill out on her own for a quick sec. But when your friend asks for some advice, keep in mind that she’s probably only told you that bad shit. It’s never a good call to give your friend bad advice based upon her boyfriend’s “horrible” past actions. I’m just an advocate for playing both sides of the fence, that’s all. My bidfriends can’t stand it. “You always take his side!” No. I just know that girls are nagging, obnoxious bitches a lot of the time and guys try to do the right thing but often times just don’t understand how to handle the situation. I want the best for my friends and their relationships. I try and show both sides. Point blank – guys should stop being fucking stupid and girls should stop whining about everything. And so continues the great circle of life.

*mankind/10 people wish they had a Reptar Bar.