Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue, If I Was Your Lover I'd Hate Me Too

I’ve really noticed over the last few days that most people’s significant other’s dislike me. And by dislike I mean wish I would get hit by a stampede. I’m almost always made out to be some sort of drunken slut that will inevitably either do you or get you to do a random stranger. Like yes, Bill, your girlfriend is hanging out with Courtney Love for the weekend. Please check her for track marks (between the toes of course) and man semen when she comes home. Fucking retards. And it’s not just one gender or another. No. I am the devil to anyone in a relationship. The reincarnation of Hitler. When your boo and I hang out, I actually read them Mein Kampf – the anti-relationship version. Again, fucking retards.

First things first – why does your boyfriend hate me? Shit, I don’t know. Maybe because I’m awesome? I’m hot? We have fun together? I’m a good friend? No but really, it’s probably more like you go out and act like yourself for an evening and not all caught up and all about him. Just to clarify bro – I don’t fill your girlfriend’s head with riff raff. I just remind them that life is short and sometime’s its ok to go out and be yourself. Boyfriend’s hate you when you’re yourself ps. Like I said in my previous blog about assholes in relationships – you guys become one person when you’re together. One big obnoxious person that is completely terrified of cutting off from sex. What’s more terrifying to a dude than losing his sex life? Losing his sex life to a girl who filled his girlfriend’s head with ideas of drinking and lust and men and now he’s stuck spending Saturday evening heating up a jar of grape jelly in the microwave and fucking that instead. I threaten that. But I honestly don’t mean to. Look guys, your girlfriend was once a girl that you had a crush on. A girl that went out, had friends, did stuff, got fucked up, took pictures, got hit on, and had sex with someone other than you (which can make this a potentially awkward conversation if that person was me). But honestly, you fell in love with that girl. Not the girl she is months or years after dating you. What was it about her that you enjoyed? Now you’re so focused on what about her you dislike because it sets you up with the potential to be alone. Well fuck man, keep acting like a jackass and you will be alone. She may have potentially fallen for your stupid, overbearing, mind-twisting bullshit in 2007, but truth of the matter is that she’s not in high school anymore so whether it’s the fact that you’ve just met or you’re coming back into her life, maybe you should learn from your own, or some other dude’s mistake. Your girlfriend WILL leave, and it won’t be because of me, but rather your own fucking incompetence to be loving and fuck properly because you’re too fucking concerned with me – A RANDOM FUCKING CHICK WHO JUST HAPPENS TO BE FRIENDS WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND. News flash: I don’t have a penis, I don’t cook meth, and I’m not a porn star so for Christ’s sake, get over yourself.

Bids, you’re bad too. I’m sorry you’re intimidated by me. I can’t help that. If I wanted your boyfriend, I’d have him (or keep him if that’s the case, again awkward convo waiting to happen). The reason your boyfriend hangs out with me is because I like guy things. I like going to the tittie bar, I like drinking, I like talking and having conversations about things other than what Becky posted on facebook or what Zoey did at the bar or who just got knocked up. However, please get it through your head that I really honestly don’t want him inside me or want to mouth kiss him passionately. I’m sorry that you’re jealous that I bring out a side to him that you haven’t seen in years because you’re too much of a nagging bitch all the time. Put out every once in awhile, get off your fat ass and work out, make the man dinner sometimes, I don’t know, stop thinking that every thing about your pathetic relationship is about you. Dudes have fucking needs. They’re sexual beings but they need to be cared about too. Give them some balance and a blow job and you’ll find your life to be less shitty.

I know I write about all these over-the-top ideas, but that’s just me. I don’t force my ideas on anyone else. I believe that girls should be more in tune with their personal needs then some douchebag’s who is more concerned with me than being a good boyfriend. Shit man, take all your passive aggression out on your girlfriend with a good ole fashioned fuck fest. You’re fer real going to spend an entire phone conversation arguing with her over what we did? Why don’t you tell her something sweet instead? I mean, I understand I’m an interesting individual but you’re dating her, not me, thank Jesus because if we were dating I would’ve honestly castrated and spoon fed you your own dick. Ketchup or hot sauce? And bids, please, don’t think your boyfriend wants me. He may, but honestly, I’m smarter than to date/hook up with every individual that finds me attractive. I’m not someone that many people can stomach, never mind date, because I do whatever the fuck I want with no thought toward how it will affect anyone else. Ugh. This post isn’t meant to come off as cocky or “oh look at me, I’m Kerry”. No, well I mean, being me is wonderful. But I really am just sick of it. It’s not rocket science people. It’s not Dexter’s Labooooooorrrrrratory. You focus on your boyfriend or girlfriend and I’ll focus on repairing the only relationship I know how to have. Because if you’ve been left once, you know it sucks. But like I said, learn from your mistakes. Or learn from the fact that your girlfriend doesn’t put out anymore or your boyfriend goes out all the time. I’ll tell you before they do – it’s not me, it’s you.

*10/10 boyfriends hope I choke on a pizza bite.