These Chips Are As Stale As
the fucking movie industry. It’s pitiful. And Flamin’ Hot Cheetos are their ghatdamn Marvel movies.
I should clarify that I don’t mean the actual chip quality but the flavors. It’s amazing to me that with all of the advances in food science we can’t come up with better snacking options then some hippie company’s quinoa chips with “their promise” to you as a consumer and the mainstream chip companies just taking shit that already exists and marrying it with another chip so that we end up with these hybrid, mixed race chip flavors. Crazy that all it took for me to sound like a racist, southern, veteran at Publix on a Sunday afternoon after getting cut off in traffic by a Cuban lady in a BMW was chip flavoring but here we are. Mixed people = good, mixed chips = not in my America.
If I wanted to eat Funyuns, I’d go get a bag of Funyuns OK? I don’t need Lay’s making wavy potato chips that are pretending to taste like Funyuns. Mostly because (and I truly believe this with all of my heart and soul), Funyuns taste like Funyuns because they are shaped like onions. It’s something in the chip’s consistency and I will place my hand on the Holy Bible and swear to it if need be. I DARE you to go to your local supermarket, bodega, corner store, CVS, whatever, and buy these wAvY Lays that supposedly taste like Funyuns. You watch and see. Because if those chips taste like Funyuns, then Bono is the 8th Wonder of The World and we already know that purple-glassed fuck ranks under a cockroach in my book. At least a cockroach doesn’t sexually assault your iPhone with their shitty music. People don’t forget Bono.
And another thing, like I said, just like the Marvel movies - just because you guys can’t come up with anything new to save your pathetic lives, doesn’t mean that everything has to be Flamin’ Hot. IT’S NOT EVEN GOOD TASTING. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again. These were far superior and I don’t know if a parent complained because they were too hot (maybe your kid is just a little bitch) or an environmentalist (me) complained about the excessive use of plastic tube packaging, but whatever the fuck they did to the ingredients in today’s “Flamin’ Hot” flavoring is night and day. It’s not even close. And watch, they’ll bring them back and some asshole who reads my blog and likes to find ways to argue with me will do a taste test and go “Well you know Kerry, they’re actually the same soooo…”. Wrong bucko. WRONG. The FDA has changed so many laws as to what can’t be in food anymore (which I guess is good, just not in this case) that whatever made those asteroid Cheetos so good is probably a major carcinogen because what the fuck isn’t anymore (except of course for plastic and oil that we keep wheelin’ and dealin’) so they can’t use it to make my snacks taste better. Well you know what? Cigarettes are cancer causing too but people seem to love those so I say bring it back and let me eat my cancer chips. But back to the point here, not everything needs to be this flavor. When I buy Smartfood, you know what I want it to taste like? Smartfood. When I buy potato chips, I want them to taste like potato chips. If I wanted to taste Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, guess what I’d buy? CERTAINLY NOT REGULAR CHEETOS.
And not to say that I have any faith in corporations having any creativity, considering that small businesses’ ideas are constantly getting stolen, the same movies are just getting re-made, they’ve brought back 80 millions shows that were off the air years ago, and we’re all trying to make America great again (which is basically just asking people to drink WW2, Nazi-fighting, Kool-aid propaganda for the millionth time), but there are a lot of potential chip flavors out there. Movies, fine, whatever, you actually have to be intelligent and creative to make one of those, but chip flavors? C’mon. Ask a six year old to come up with ten chip flavors and they can on the spot. You ask a marketing person with a college degree and they’ll just go “uhhh I don’t know, let’s make Sun Chips Flamin’ Hot too”. Here’s a thought? Birria tacos? All the rage in the last few years. Hot pot? Also a big hit. I’m sure if you made a vodka-flavor chip people would be so fucking thrilled that they don’t have to see the same five flavors recycled over and over again, it would sell out the first day. But no, let’s keep just doing the same thing. That’s really getting people to buy products that they don’t need.
Oh and while I’m at it? Go fuck yourself Pringles. Discontinuing the pizza flavor? THAT WAS YOUR CROWN JEWEL.
*6/10 people’s favorite chip is Doritos and that’s why I hate most people.