Let’s Talk About This Really Shitty Water

So I’m not sure if you guys have seen or heard of (or God forbid) drank this terrible fucking product but it’s absolutely everywhere I look and I want nothing more than the company and people who produce it to climb to the tallest high dive diving board that the world has ever seen and jump into a pile of broken TVs. Like not today’s flatscreens but the awesome wood ones that sat on the floor and most of us that were lower-middle class had as hand-me-downs and played GTA on as children. Like a lot of splinters and thick glass screens that would cause pain and trauma. What in the world is this beverage you ask? Fucking Liquid Death Water.

First of all, its entire basis is a marketing tactic. Probably a solid two years before I even was forced into drinking it, it was constantly popping up via ads on Facebook. So before I even got to taste and hate it, I was already hating it based on the annoying way it was shoved into my doom scrolling, uninvited and unwelcome. I don’t even really remember what the ads were about but I want to say that they were like people “being metal and punk rock”, whatever the fuck that means. Basically picture the loser guy they make fun of in “Pretty Fly” by The Offspring but in a commercial for terrible water. Oh, and the worst part? I had to go on Youtube just now to remind myself of their annoying ads and all the comments are like “thanks for giving metal heads love”, “shoutout to you guys supporting the skate scene”, “your ads are hilarious”, like yeah dude the metal and skate and punk scenes THRIVE off of a $700 million dollar water brand. Those guys REALLY love corporate bullshit. You would DEFINITELY catch Ian MacKaye onstage at a Minor Threat show chugging Liquid Death. Go fuck yourself Youtube schmucks. The whole reason the owner got his idea for this water was seeing employees of Warped Tour having to drink water out of Monster Energy cans because of their sponsorship. And as much as I loved going to Warped Tour, it was the most monetized example of what corporations will do to sell shit to kids.

Anytime you open Instagram, Tiktok, any online video podcast, what do you see? Celebrities with sponsorships making sure that Flint, Michigan water is front and center. And I’m not knocking anyone from getting paid, getting a bag for showing some shitty product on their show, I’m just saying, you could offer me a million dollars and I wouldn’t push that garbage. Granted, yes, I would do much worse for a million dollars, I have morals, OK? I would degrade myself on national TV for a million dollars, but take a sponsorship with LDW? Absolutely not. Guess what should come in a can. Alcohol, soda, things with carbonation, and metallic-killing attributes. I don’t know who the genius was who thought about putting stagnant, storm drain water in a can, but they deserve to have their head examined. It’s like they would rather spend millions of dollars on marketing for their terrible product then just supply festivals with their own branded water re-fill stations. It’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of.

Picture it. That desert from the Bible. 20 A.D. or something. Jesus hired you to be his assistant and hold his spare sandals as you walk through the desert in order to be tempted by the devil. (In retrospect, no offense to The Holy Spirit for suggesting that but it’s kind of a dick move). ANYWAY, so you and Jesus are strolling along. You got the sandals. Jesus is…meditating? I don’t really know what he did while he walked, but hopefully you guys found something to talk about. The devil pops up now and again like “hey, Jesus, do you like tiddies? Hey Jesus, how about hanging out with some of my pals from Sodom? Hey Jesus, do you want a 4Loko, and like the good kind before God made us take out the caffeine?” And Jesus is like “nah, I’m good, my dad is having my do this test, and The Holy Spirit is kinda keeping tabs so, I’m OK”. And the devil is like “are you sure fam, because this 4Loko is like ICE COLD”. And you’re kind of thinking like, “Nows probably not the time to mention I’ve shotgunned several of those in an evening, so I’ll keep that to myself”. And Jesus is like “no no, for real Samael, quit playin’”. But you know, you are a little thirsty and you’re thinking like “damn, this is only day five, Jesus might be this divine dude and be able to live without water, but I’m pretty thirsty”. And then the devil pops in and he goes “hey so we don’t have any streams out here, or single use plastic water bottles, and I don’t share my Yeti bottle because of wook flu, BUT I do have this very, VERY, delicious water in a can that you can try”. And you’re kind of like, “mmm you know, I’m kind of here with Jesus, I don’t think he wants me taking stuff for you”. And the devil is like “no, no, c’mon it’s just water in a can, it can’t be that bad”. And you’re like “yeah but didn’t you get Eve to eat an apple causing humans to be banished from Eden and I mean, that’s kind of why Jesus is here, and you know, an apple doesn’t seem that bad”. Then the devil goes “yeah bitch, but didn’t God explicitly tell her not to do that?” And you’re like “well…didn’t you trick her?” And the devil is like “I mean whatever, that’s neither here nor there, do you want this fucking water or not?”. And Jesus is like “guys, what the heck, I’m RIGHT HERE, I can hear you. Let me see this water, and I’ll make sure it’s safe”. And you’re thinking “does he test all the strip clubs too?”, but again, that’s not out loud. So Jesus looks at this can of shitty Liquid Death Water and it’s sealed so he goes “eh whatever, it seems fine, the devil didn’t seem to mess with it and I know you’re thirsty but DON’T TELL MY DAD”. “Sweet Jesus, thanks”, you say, and promptly crack open this water in a can product. And you realize that the fucking devil just picked up an empty Coors Lite can, covered the label up with this new label, and filled it up with some shitty, scum-filled pond water from the sewers of Malaysia. And now not only are you thirsty, your taste buds are coated with a used heroin syringe flavoring, and God shoots a lightning bolt down at you and rumbles a “SERVES YOU RIGHT BITCH”. And that’s why you politely don’t go on adventures with Jesus anymore after too much water wine.

So the moral of this story - if you host an event, if you host a festival, if you’re doing anything where you’re looking to provide water for your guests, GET WATER RE-FILL STATIONS AND STOP TRYING TO MAKE YOUR CANNED WATER GARBAGE HAPPEN. There’s nothing worse then waking up in a hot ass tent after partying all night and screaming with your friends and carrying on and all that you can get your hands on is the least refreshing thing on the planet except for curdled milk. And if you have a podcast or are a celebrity, endorse something that you actually want to drink because there’s nothing more laughable to me than to watch Tom Segura attempt to chug those on 2 Bears 1 Cave. And yes, I’m completely aware that talking about their shitty product is giving them publicity but this is clearly more of a warning to the average consumer.

*8/10 people are going to be able to claim Mesothelioma bucks