You Could Literally Wipe Your Ass With These "Phases"

I’ll admit, I’ve been a little quiet during the winter. You can’t say shit to anyone anymore without them getting offended and/or pulling out a gun and shooting you. No actually, you can’t post a joking or vague hot take on the internet without someone projecting their own insecurities, assuming it’s about them and/ or write a bad review about your business (because all of us millennials need to have three part time jobs to feed us and our own brand to give us a small glimmer of hope that there’s any joy or serotonin-producing parts of our brains left in the world). Everyone is so damn grouchy because instead of getting to go out and focus on the fun things - getting a drink at a bar, hearing your favorite band play, reading a book on your balcony in the sunshine, playing a pick-up game with some friends, seeing friends in general, having friends altogether - it is winter in Massachusetts and they’re swapping around these bullshit ass phases like you’re at a Magic the Gathering tournament and can’t figure out which deck to use. 

But I’m so bored, I’ve decided to move past my concern with being offensive (age does that to you, frontal lobe something something) because I literally have NOTHING better to be doing with my time and you’ll forget all about my ranting by the next time we see each other out in public and you won’t want to spit in my face anymore. Or maybe you will and I’ll duck down with my cat-like reflexes and you’ll spit on the hot girl behind me who will throw a drink on you and then I’ll have some good material for my next post. Thank you ladies and gentlemen, I’ll be here all week. 

So, what are these “phases” you speak of Kerry? Well, if you live in basically everywhere except Massachusetts, you don’t really have them. Even the rest of the northeast states are kind of openish, just have some strict enforcement depending on the business. And don’t even try to bring states up to my girlfriend, who being from the UK, finds them “utterly stupid and pointless, not to mention confusing” as to why there’s no uniformity in this country thus making it a complete shitshow. And I couldn’t agree more. Like if we were like any other country IN THE WORLD, we’d be back to normal already. Australia has already forgotten about this shit. The UK? Apparently back to normal by June. IF PEOPLE IN FUCKING SYRIA AND LIBYA HAVE THE TIME TO REMEMBER TO WEAR MASKS AMIDST CIVIL WARS, BOMBINGS, AIRSTRIKES, MASS TERROR AND RAMPANT SEXUAL ASSAULT, why can’t we? 

OH, THAT’S RIGHT. WE’RE FUCKING AMERICA. YEEEEWWWW HOOOO! I DON’T NEED NO MASK! I GOT ALL THE MASK I NEED RIGHT HERE IN THIS BIG OLE BOWLA BUTTER AND ‘SKETTI WITH A HEAPIN’ SIDEA BACON BITS AND LARD AND AN EXTRA SIDE OF I DON’T WANT NO KIDO MINE GETTIN’ NO GHATDANG VACCINEN’ TURNIN’ ‘EM ARTISTIC. MY KID AIN’T DOIN’ NO GHATDANG PEECASO NONSENSE. THEY’RE GONNA PLAY THE GREATEST AMERICAN SPORTS AVAILABLE IN THIS HERE BEAUTEEFUL COUNTRY O’ ARES - SHOOTIN, AND FOOTBALL. 

And if you’re in Florida? Forget it. I don’t know if I even have any Floridian readers, mostly because I’m not sure that they can read, but Florida in general is absurd. It’s like they want to make sure the life expectancy drops back to Biblical times, even though they’re doing just fine getting there, munching away on Percs and OCs like they’re Sweet Tarts. Florida is a weird place to me man. I almost went to school down there and I’m glad I didn’t because I’ve learned that you get sucked into this pseudo-vacation mindset even if you’ve lived there your whole life. Like seeing other people on vacation 24/7, 365 just makes people want to be lawless. So honestly, I’m not really surprised that they have shown little to no fucks given about this whole situation. They certainly love making the rest of us look bad to everyone else in the world. And what do they care? It’s not like we’re not going to wake up today and read some headline about “Florida Man Tries To Get His Dick Sucked By Pet Boa Constrictor Not Realizing That They Suffocate Their Prey And It Squeezed The Life Out Of His Dick Causing Him To Lose Consciousness Only To Wake Up In The Hospital Dickless From The Dick Amputation”. Maybe not in so many words, but we would read something similar. They would also probably refer to it as a PEENUS *Mr. Garrison voice*. Florida is like a state school college campus all the time. I guess we can’t really blame them. They’re like our country’s special needs family member who is fun to be around and we care about them because they’re a part of this family, and we know it’s not their fault when they throw up an entire jar of mayonnaise and throw it up over the Thanksgiving spread, thinking it was melted ice cream because at some point, this country dropped them on their head and didn’t address their needs sooner. And now we must deal with the consequences of our putting Disney and Key Largo and Miami vacations before an entire state of people who seriously could use some of the help and democracy dollars we give to other countries. 

ANYWAY. Back to phases. I wish I could tell you what each phase was, but I don’t know anymore because they keep changing like when boys in elementary school have a “boys only, no girls allowed” club and then they start noticing girls and have crushes so they take their crayons and cross out the “no girls allowed” part and add in “except for Sarah and Caitlin”, and then Joey gets a crush, so he adds “and Lisa”, and then Mike gets a crush so he adds “and Ashley”, until finally they cross all the names out and put “boys and girls allowed, except for girls who wear glasses”, that is until, the new girl who is very pretty and seems to wear glasses different somehow then the rest of the girls with glasses, so the rules change yet again to make an exception for her. All I know is that there are four phases, each with steps under each. I do not know how many steps are possible under each phase. I do know that Phase 1 was important stuff like health care businesses (because healthcare IS a business here in America, lucky us) and Phase 4, would include, what we were all told initially, things like movie theaters and music venues, and hugging our grandparents, but those things have since been crossed out because you can rent out whole ass movie theaters for $100, and our grandparents don’t give a shit if we hug them because they’ve lived through the WWII and Vietnam and the gas crisis and Woodstock. My grandpa had a heart attack a few years ago while he was re-roofing my grandparents house and finished the roof before coming down and telling my grandma he had a heart attack. He does not care if I hug him because he loves me and has lived through it all and wants to see me. HOWEVER. Nightclubs seem to be missing from all the phases now. And DJing? DJing is considered illegal. My friends that were finding ways to get gigs and circumvent the closed nightclubs by getting gigs in stores and work out classes and things like that? Yeah that’s out. And the little sneaky shit that they tried to add to the second stimulus package that was going to make streaming illegal because of copyright infringement? Oh, that was rich. About as rich as the rich I want cooked medium rare and fed to me on a big ‘ol platter (extra butter and lard on the side for me thanks). 

It’s almost as if our country wants us home, unable to do much, except buy more shit on our smart phones from Amazon who doesn’t pay taxes, but don’t worry, me making less than $25k a year gets to pay $3k to cover their asses. It really is a beautiful country we live in, man. Oh, and the casino! Oh, what a beautiful casino we have here in Boston. They’re open 24/7 now. You can play the slots, play table games, stay in their hotel, drink, and be merry at their fine establishment. So little old ladies can smoke Parliaments and adjust their teeth and get the slot machines all slobbery, and some drunk businessman from Texas who just played grab-ass with a cocktail waitress can trade cards with the dealer and burp all over the Blackjack table but I can’t play music for my friends in a socially-distanced and/or lowered capacity environment? Now why is that I wonder? It’s almost like this country gives special treatment to big business! But that would be immoral, wouldn’t it Kerry? Why yes it is! Except this is America where the rules are made up and the laws don’t matter (to the rich). Oh, and the best part? After you’re done at the casino? You can get yourself some entertainment at one of the area’s many local all-nude venues. Yes, you heard right! Clubs with naked ladies dancing can be open, but NOT clubs that involve clothed-dancing. Clothed dancing is definitely NOT ok. But Kerry, I’m not sure if I feel comfortable going to a nightclub or music venue right now. You know what, that’s OK. I totally get it. But maybe if this country wasn’t full of selfish, fucking airheads with the IQ of the Boston trash bag who can never seem to wear her mask over her nose or get her roots touched up due to her need for ciggy and scratchy money, who just got their shit together on the same page during a global pandemic, we would be like Australia, who is already far removed from dealing with covid that theyre enjoying life again as if it never happened, and I wouldn’t be trying to find ways that aren’t perfect, but at least a step toward easy my mental health, because at this rate WE ARE NEVER GOING TO SEE MY INDUSTRY OF CHOICE COME BACK TO LIFE EVER AGAIN. 

And nobody is doing a damn thing because we’re all too stoned all the time from all the wonderful lax weed laws that seemed to coincide with all of this. God bless America. This may also be a good time to mention that considering so many of you are choosing to go on vacation and not give a fuck, might I recomend a new pair of OOZE shorts or a tank from our shop, which you can conveniently access right here on Gorgeous Ranting Brunette. And you know what the best medicine is for getting annoyed at people who don’t give a motherfuck and are vacationing, minding your damn business. They’re already there not giving a fuck what you have to say and I’m too sick of hearing the word vacation or seeing your pictures because for the first time in a long time, I can afford a vacation, have time to go, and I’m trying to be responsible, while simultaneously not being a cunt. 

*9/10 people think I need to smoke more weed. This is me smoking weed.